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Jatts anb A, aurics. thorn in the bush is worth two in the band. ».Mgar Fawcett wishes "that man could make love *«e a bird.•' He dies, Ed^ar, he does—like a goose. „ Well, Mary, how do you like your new place ?" 1 can't tell yet, positively; you know the first day ladies are alw&ys politeness itself. .This is a sad find bitter world," remarked a gentleman Irish extraction. We never strew flowers on a man's graveafter he is dead. A girl said to her father, when he was recommending Us young daughter a nice sensible man of fifty." ^ease, father~ if you don't mind I'd rather have two twenty-live." Mr Smlthers, how can you sleep? The sun has been p these two hours." "Well, what if it has," said Smithers, "he goes to bed at dark, while I'm up till after .ltl ,igbt." Beware Of little things. A black seed, no larger than a Pin point, will grow an onion that may taint the breath enough to break up a betrothal, ruin a Sunday School, and shatter the good intentions of a sewing circle. A plump Adonis of forty, who was looking at a house asked the servant, an extremely pretty girl, whether she was to let with the establishment. No sir,' was the answer, please, sir, I'm to be let alone.' Was Jeremiah a bachelor ?" is a question under dis- ssion in the Jewish Standard. Ceitaii)ly not if we may Judge from his Lamentations A laughing philosopher says if Galileo hid only stood a champagne supper to his Ridges h" would soon fcave convinced them that the world went r»und." Wife, before a lion's cage, to huishand What would you say if the bar., were to suddenly break, and the lion t me up?" Husband (dryly) '• I should say he had a good appetite." Did not the sight of the boundless blue sea, bearing its bosom white-winged fleets of commerce, fill you with emotion ?" "Yeô," replied the traveller, "at first It did but after a while it didn't fill me with anything. It sorter emptied me." Confirmed bachelor How time does fly, Miss Seaside. Why, it was ten years ago that you refused me on tins spot." Miss Seaside (who wishes she hadn't) So long U that ? I was young and foolish then, Mr Sith," Bachelor But we are both older and wiser now. A Cambridge Fellow, walking with a visitor met by chance the Master of St. John's on horseback. W ho la that ?'inquired the visitor. That,' replied the other, 'is St. Jcmn's head on a charger.' Here is a first-rate Pun, of which the speaker's name is as completely buried 1Q oblivion as the author's of a famous witticism against Berkeley's theorv, a pun whieh puts into a nutshell a whole system of philosophy: What is mind? o matter. What is matter ? X ever tnind." APPLY AT THE VICARAGE.—Derbyshire is being amused by the story of a laughable incident which occurred im one of the small parish churches in the highlands of that County. The curate was directed by the vicar to make two announcements, one about a. forth-coming baptismal service, and the other referring to some new hymn books. At the proper time the curate said: F( )r the future Hymns Ancient and Modern' will be used in this church. There will be a baptism of infants here nuxt Sunday. All persons wishing to have their children baptised must send in their names to the vicar before Wedneedty." The vicar, who is somewhat deaf, noticed the cuffatc s voice cease, but not observing that the order of the notice had been revised, gravely added And I should like further to mention that those who wish to have some of the latter can, on applying to the vicarage, obtain them for one shilling each, or with extra strong backs, fur eighteenpence. A SCHOOLBOY ON TRUE POLITENESS. —Here is an essay on politeness, written by a boy, William Martin, aged thirteen, who was in the first class of his school, and whose highest pleasure, we are told, was in making others happy :-It is n(,t polite to fight little boys; except they throw stones at you. Then you can run after them, and when you',e caught them, just do little bit at them that's all. Remember that all little boya are simpletons, or they wouldn't do it. It is not the thing to make fun of a little chap because he is poorer than you. Let him alone if you don't want to play with him, for he is as good as you except the clothes. When you are in school and a boy thrown a bit of bread or anything at you over the deBis, it is not polite to put your tongue out at him or to twiddle your fingert in front of your nom. Just wait till after school, and then warn him what you'll do next time or if you find you are bound to hit him, be pretty easy with him. Some boys are very rude over their meals. Don't keep on eating after you are tightening end you will be far happier. Never eat quickly or you might get bones in your throat. My father knows of a boy who got killed over his Sunday dinner. The greedy boy -,vas picking a rabbit's head in a hurry, and swallowed one jaw of it, and my father says he was choked to death there and then. Be very polite over your meals, then, especially when its rabbits. Boys should always be polite to the girls, however vexing they may be- When anybody is giving anything away, always let the girls have their turn first. They like it. Girle are not so strong as boys, their hair is long, and their faces are prettier so you should be gentle with them. If a girl scratches your cheek or spits in your face don't punch her, and don't tell her mother. That would be moan. Jost hold her tight behind by her arms for a minute or two, till she feels your could give her if you had a mind to. Then say to her kindly. Don't you do it again for it is wrong." give her a shake or two, and let her go. This is far better than being unkind to her, and she 11 thank you for your politeness if she's anything of a girl.

LONDON GOSSIP.

[No title]

rDm the JJapcrs.

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SUICIDE OF PRINCE RUDOLPH.

WHY HE COMMITTED SUICIDE.

GOVERNMENT ATROCITIES IN IRELAND.

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