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Jracts itilb Jhiivrics. """"----......,,,-...


Jracts itilb Jhiivrics. "What will you give me if I restore your eyesight asked a quack. "I will see," replied the blind man. The young man who has proposed and has been neither accepted nor rejected knows how exciting it is to live in a doubtful state. "Father," said a roguish boy, "I hope you wont buy any more gunpowder tea for mother." "Why not I Because "every time she drinks it she blows us up!" Lo to bed, sir, immediately. A darkey bought a patviarchial turkey—"I took him j home," says he, "my wife bile him three hours, and den he crow. My wife put him in de pot wid detaters, and he kick 'em all out, "Where was Bishop Latimer burned to death?" asked a teacher in a commanding voice. "Joshua knows," said a little girl at the bottom of the class. Well," said the teacher, "if Joshua knows, he may tell. '"In the fire," replied Joshua, looking very grave and wise. A teacher in a village school was trying to teach an urchin the science of simple division. This is what came of it.. "Now, Johnny, if you had an orange which you wished to divide with your little sister, how much would you give her ?" Johnny:" A suck." A fellow stole a saw, and on his trial he told the judge that he only took it as a joke. "How far did you carry it, inquired the judge. "two miles, answered the prisoner. "Ah. that's carrying a joke too far," said the judge and the prisoner was sen- tenced to jail for three months. A FEW FACTS NOT SO GENERALLY KNOWN AS THEY SHOULD BE.—A watch fitted with a second-hand need not necessarily be a second-hand watch. Doctors generally agree about bleeding their patients. Steam is a servant that sometimes blows up its master. An ungrammatical judge is apt to pass an lncoirect sen- tence. Any fool can make a woman talk, but its hard TO make one listen. A thorn in the bush is worth two in the hand. A coloured philosopher thus unburdened himself on one of woman's weaknesses—"Jim, de men don't make such fools of demselves about women as de women do about men. If women look at the moon they see a man in it. If dey hear a mouse nibbling, its a man and dey'all look under de bed de last thing at night to find a man. Why, I nebber look under my bed to find n woman; does you ?" .,1111 v, 1 i "Doctor," said a lisping, fashionable belle, who had graduated at half a dozen boarding schools, to a friend of ours, who had just be n introduced to her at an evening party, "Doctor, which do you prefer, tholnlity of intellect or brillianthy. Thum admire tholiaity; but ath for me, as Shakthpeare thayth in hith Bride of Abydoth,' I prefer tholidity and brilliauthy com- bined." The doctor sank into the nearest chair exhau- sted. President Hayes was asked to fill a vacancy m the army by the appointment of a young man whose great- great-grandfather was a naval officer during the lutionary war, whose great-grandfather was a ga an soldier of the army, and whose father was a distin- guished ex-army officer. The President, Bays e Washington Star, responded with a merry chuckle, Dont you think it about time that one of that family earned a living for himself ?" c< There is a young and handsome woman at Saratoga who wears a large diamond ring on each of her fingers whenever she is seen, whether at breakfast or by gas- light. She also wears diamonds in her hair, large sol- itaires in her ears, bracelet and pins set with these rare jewels, and oue night she wore,a diamond cross five or six inches long. A saucy letter-writer says she is sus- pected of also having anklets and garters clasped with diamonds, as well as shoe buckles. Who she is, is a mystery, and she is popularly referred to as "The Diamond Princess." David Swing in the Alliance tells how a bride re- formed her profane husband. She invited her brides- maids, four in number, to a. quiet dinner. As they knew of the profane habits of the groom and also knew of his good qualities-that he was a maniworth saving --they entered gladly into the proposed comedy. The plan was that all of these beautiful women should use profane words at the table, as the hot coffee or weather or slow servants might afford opportunity. It was a hold plan, but it is said to have cured the wicked hus- band for when his elegant wife applied a profane term to the biscuit, and a fair guest made a like remark of the coftee, and still another applied a profane expletive to the movements of a servant, the husband absolutely cried with remorse that he had ever himself used such an outrageous form of speech. Professor Swing thinks that "while such a cure cannot be justified, because it mirdit kill the ladies without curing the masculine offender, yet the story itself may serve to show that man as an animal that swears is a mournful curiosity.


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