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ALL doctors recommend people to go to sleep lying on the right side. This is all the better if you are a little deaf in the left ear and don't go home till late. AFFABLE boarding-house keeper to prospective tenant: "Just look at the view of the beach, sir. Why, from this window here you can see yourself bathing WHEN" the dentists of this country discover a way to pull teeth without making a man wish he had been born a hen, life will have twice as much brightness. MILTON was asked if he intended to instruct his daughter in the different languages; to which he replied, "No, sir! one tongue is sufficient for a, woman FULL many a rose is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air; full many a nip is taken behind the screen, and cloves and coffee, too, are eaten there. HAVE you in your album any original poetry ?" asked one young lady of another.—" No," was the reply; "but some of my friends have favoured me with original spelling." "BLESS me, Emily, you don't look as well as nSlI.al-indeed, I do not think I ever saw you look- ing as old as you look to-day." —" My dear, I never was as old as I am to-day." A MUD-TURTLE can neither fly, sing, gallop, cry, or go blackberryirig; and yet, if they are let alone, they get along just as well as the young man who tries to be funny at a lawn party. A LITTLE GITIL, on being told something which much amused her, exclaimed, emphatically, I shall remember that the whole of my life; and when I forget it, I will write it down." THE following advertisement appeared in an Edinburgh paper:—"For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs." MICHIGAN is the place for self-sacrifice. When a young lady who has been eating onions appears at a country dance, all the rest bite an onion, that she may not feel embarrassed or lonely. IT is related of Dean Hook that he was so entirely devoid of all musical perception that he once raised a cheer after the Old Hundredth, under the im- pression that it was the National Anthem. AN awkward fellow planted his foot square upon a lady's train the other day. Oh, you great train- wrecker said the lady, angrily.—" Beg your par- don, street-sweeper was the arch reply. A SCHOOLMISTRESS thinks that pupils ought to have a great hearty laugh every day." The desi- deratum might be brought about by the school- mistress reading her love-letters to her pupils. AT the thanksgiving dinner her papa said to her, "Nelly, will you have some of the turkey"'—"Yes, papa," was the reply of the four-year old, as she looked at the stuffing "but I won't have any of the hash." AT a social reunion a few evenings ago, the question was asked, Of what sort of fruit do a quarrelsome man and wife remind you ?" The young lady who promptly answered "A prickly pear," got the medal. As girls advance towards womanhood many of their notions undergo a change. For instance, when small they believe in the man in the moon at ma- turer years they believe in the man in the honey- moon. TBII following interesting items are from a bill of fare of a Parisian restaurant where English is spoken-" Liquers Anglaise. Gin—old torn—paper- meimt—Irieeh wikske-Scotceh wlkske-sotlta. watter —portaire." OBSERVING little brother's remark before a room fall of company: I know what made that red mark an Mary's nose; it was the rim of John Parker's hat." And there are girls who believe that little boys never go to heavenl WOllEN somehow get over childish notions that men never outgrow. Some men celebrate the aoniTersary of every birthday as long as they live, while women abanion the childish custom almost as soon as they grow up, THE late husband, when he finds that somebody has stolen the keyhole out of his door, and diffidently rings the bell, knows exactly who "the Coming Woman" is. IT is not easy to understand the craving of a man for tobacco, until one sees a fat person climb a lamp- post late at night for the purpose of lighting a brown paper cigarette. By our Irish contributor: "What is the difference between a waltz and a young wife of sixteen who has just lost her husband?—One is a giddy whirl, and the other is a < widdy' girl. A MATHEMATICIAN, being asked by a stout fellow, If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh ?' replied, Jump into the scales, and I will tell you immediately.' A HANDBILL announcing a temperance picnic was conspicuously headed N. B. Take notice, I sup- pose,' said a man who stopped to read it.—' Oh, no,' replied his friend: 'no beer.' A RATHER gaily-dressed young lady asked her Sunday-school class What was meant by the pomps and vanities of the world F The answer was honest, but rather unexpected Them flowers on your hat." A SorTH AMERICAN plant has been found that cures bashfulness. It should be promptly tried on the man who leaves the hotel by the back window be- cause he is too diffident to say good-bye to the cashier md clerk. BEWARE of little things. A black seed, no larger than a pin point, will grow an onion that may taint the breath enough to break up a betrothal, ruin a sunday-school, and shatter the good intentions of a sewing-circle. IMAN masked (to his wife who has recognised him): 1 Sweet lady, I salute thee.'—Wife: Begone thou dost remind me of mine husband; and for the hour I would forget I e'er were wedded.' Husband's mask somes right off. A GENTLEMAN learned in the origin of social cus- toms was asked the meaning of casting an old shoe after a newly-married couple as they start on their trip. He said, To indicate that the chances of mat- rimony are very slip-per-y.' 'How are you getting along since your marriage ?' asked one friend of another.'—'Not very well,' was the reply. When she gave me her hand a little over a year ago it filled me with delight; but when she gives it to me now it doesn't delight me in the least. A GENTLEMAN in a draper's shop had the misfortune to tread on a lady's skirt. She turned round, her face flushed with anger, but seeing the gentleman WM a stranger she smiled complacently, saying, I beg pardon, sir; I was going to be in a dreadful passion; I thought it was my husband.' THE average small boy's ambition is to be a trap- per, a pirate, or a song-and-dance performer. When L wath a little boy,' lisped a very stupid society man to a young lady, 'all mvideath in life were thentered on being a clown.'—'Well, there is at least one case I of gratified ambition,' was the sharp reply. A PROVOKED husband said to his wife, 'I never saw such an obstinate woman as you are! You never confessed yourself in the wrong in your life And a very good reason for it!' she exclaimed. It's be- cause I'm always in the right. I'm sure that if I ever were in the wrong, there's no woman alive who'd take more pleasure in confessing it.' 'WHAT on earth have you brought all these things home for ?' contemptuously asked a woman of her husband, as he spread a lot of pictures on the table.- You have often twitted me,' he answered, of never having any views on any subject, and so I've got a lot of "views" here on all sorts of subjects; and they are my views. I paid for them. A PRETTY little girl, in whose cheap and plain dress the child of a labourer could be recognised, contemplated, in company with her mother, the rich show-window of a toy-shop, on the boulevard. Her mother, pointing at the biggest and most richly-dressed of the dolls, said, You would like to have that, wouldn't you, Louise ?'—' Oh, no, mamma, not that one. It's too well-dressed for me.' « difference does that make to you ?'— Why, I'd want to be my dolly's mamma, and not her servant-girl.'

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