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. OU R SHORT STORY I

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ISocial and Personal

OVER THE NUTS AND WINE

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OVER THE NUTS AND WINE QUIPS AND CRANKS FE-031 BOTH HEMI- SPHEIiES. A Selection of Jokes and Funny Anecdotes for tue Mental Becreation of Old and Toting; Lack of money wrecks mere married people th-sm lack of love. Ilerdso: Is your youngest at the safety- pin age?" Mrs. Saidso: "No; safety bicycle." "The better half," says the married cynic, "is so called because she usually gets the better of the other half." Lea: Great heavens, old! man, I have suf- j fered three days andr nights of sleepless agony j from thi.s aching toothache. Perkins: Why j don't you get it pulled? Lea: I would; but I'm a-fraidl it would hurt. She: "Tell me when you were in the army were you pool in the hour of danger?" He: "Cool? Why, I shivered!" j Chunk: Doe.s'n't. a New Woman mike you feel fairly) mad' Quiv€<rfui: "Yes; 'but she's not so bad as a new baby." Exchange of Conficle,-nee.Atr. Tirdcs "I don't know how you will feel about it. sir, but the faat is t'haft iny wife, your daughter, is a dreadfully hard woman to live with. Mr. Blinks: "I can sympathise with you, sir, I j married her mother." Probably a man never feels so small as when hie wdife comes to him and says "My dear, Johnny can't wear your cast-off clothes any more. They're too little for him." No," he said, I don't think marriage is a failure." "Are you a married man?" asked :t ead-eyed woman across the table. "Not much; 'r,IU. a divorce lawyer." "Come, dear, kiss my cheek and make it up, she said- forgivingly. I'll kiss it," lie answered, "but I don't think it wants any more making up And he was right. A case in point.—Wade: "Do you believe, with these scientific fellows, tha.t disease can be communicated by handshaking?" Butcher: "I dunno; there'6 the grip." Wafts: "Do you think anyone can be as stmgy as old Fox and be a Christian?" Potto "Olt, possibly. I should not be surprised to hear of the old man saving his soul merely from motives of economy." Wife: "Henry, dear?" Husband: "Well?" Wife: "I" want to make a bargain with you. If you will let me have £ 2 this afternoon I will let you do £ 3 worth of grumbling about my extravagance." "Doctor," said the sufferer, supinely, as he dropped into the dentist's chair, "my nerve is completely gone." "Oh, no, it isn't," was the cheerful reply. "Wait till I get a firm hold, and you'll realise your mistake." He AureedWith Her.—Mrs. Scrapeleigh "Bah! I've made a different man of vou since I iruirried you." Mr. Scrapleigli: I believe you have. Very different, indeed. So diffe- I rent that now I can't see what m the world ever possessed me to marry you." [ It is recorded of a young fop who visited one of the Rothschilds t-hat he was so proud of his r: alachite sleeve buttons that he insisted upon exhibiting them to his host. The latter looked at them and said: "Yes, it is a pretty stone, I have a manitel-piece made of it in the next room." "How on earth did Hunker get out cf his engagement with Miss Elder after he fell in love with Scaddis?-' "It was done by a judicious selection of a. birthday present." "What did he send' her?" "He sent her a book entitled 'How to grow old gracefully,' and she stent his letters and ring .back immediately/' "You ought to take some cest," said the sympathetic friend. "Can't you go fishing, or something like that ?" "Well," replied inlr. Weary, "I'm going duck-hunting pretty soon." "Where?" "Up Bold-street. My wife has span a duck of a 'bonnet that I have to go in pursuit of." First Pedestrian (regarding passing cyclist): Jove! that cyclist is a line-looking young fellow.-SeC'.ond Pedestrian: Young fpllow ?— young lady, you mean.—First Pedestrian Non- sense I say it's a. young man !—Second Pedes- trian No, it isn't—can't you see the cycle is a lady's, not a gentleman's wheel?" "If a girl is arraious to marry began the maid. "Yes?" said the woman of the world, encouragingly. "If she is anxious to many and marry well, from the point of view of society, I suppose she would prqpaie her- self as she would for a profession?" "Cer- tainly." "There are some things that she should cultivate assiduously, and others to which she need devote little attention?" "There are." "Well, what would you advise her to cultivate particularly ?" "A. wealthy relative, who is likely to die soon." The question of umpires' decisions recalls an occasion when Shrewsbury was given out by a palpable mistake on the part of the umpire. A friend went up to him and said: "I say, Shrewsbury, I feel wild; about that beastly, un- fair decision." "Aren't you angry?" "Oh, no," replied Arthur, smilingly. "It is true, I ought not to have been given out, but there are many oocafeions on which I have been given in ¡when I ought to have been out. You can't get in/alliblo umpires, a.nd I find that the bad luck and goodi are evenly balanced." "I say, old man, what's that awful row going on next door?" "Oh. that's? the Omphale Club. The ladies are having their first whist party of the season." "No. Herbert," she said in a low tone, "it is impossible. I fear to trust my future with you." "And why?" '1 have watchedi your conduct closely. It lacks the mark of such devotion as my soul craves." "Do I not eonie to see you four nights in the week?" "Yes: but I llaivedeteded a calculating selfishness in your nature which I fear." "What do you moan?" "You have nev:?r yet biled toO leave in time to catch the iast ''bs. "But that is only common sense. "I know it is, Herbert, and, therefore, it is not love."

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