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au R SHORT STORYI

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OVER THE NUTS AND WINE

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OVER THE NUTS AND WINE QUIPS AND CRANKS FROM BOTH HEMI- SPHERES. A Selection of Jokes and Funny Anecdotes for the Mental Becreation of Old and Young. Lack of money wrecks mere married people tJhan lack of love. Herdso: Is yonr youngest at. the safety- pin &.ge?" Mrs. Saidso: "0; safety bicycle." '"The better half," says the married cynic, "is so called because she usually gets the better of the other half." better of the other half." Lea: Great heavene, old' man, I have suf- fered three days and nights of sleepless agony from thi.-i aching toothache. Perkins Why don't you get it pulled? Lea: I would; but I'm afraidi it would hurt. She: "Tell me when you were in the army were you cool in the hour of danger ? He; i "Cool? Why, I shivered i" I Chunk: Doesn't a New Woman make you feel fairly mads":?' Quiverful: "Yes; ibut she's not so bad as a new baby. she's not so bad as a new baby." Kxchangc of Confidence.—Mf..Tinks "I don't know how you will feel about it. sir, but the faot. is that my wife, your daughter, is a dreadfully ha.rd woman to live with." Mr. i Blinks: "I can sympathise with you, sir, I married her mother." Probably a man never feels so small as when his wife comes- to him and save: "My dear, Johnny can't wear your cast-off dlothes any I more. They're too little for him." No," he said, I don't think marriage is a failure." "Are you a, married man?" asked a sad-eyed woman across t'he table. Not much; I'm a divorce lawyer." "Come, dear, kiss my cheek and make it up," she said forgivingly. "111 kiss it," he answered, but I don't think it wants any more making up And he was right. A case in point.—'Wade: "Do you believe, with these scientific fellows, that disease can be communicated by handshaking?' Butcher: "I dunno; there's the grip." Watte: "Do you think anyone can be as stingy as old Fox and be a Christian?" Potts "Oh, possibly. I should not be surprised to hear of the old man saving his soul merely from motives of economy." I Wife: "Henry, dear?" Husband: "Well?" Wife: "I \yant to make a bargain with you. If you will let me have E2 this afternoon I will let you do 93 worth of grumbling about my extravagance." "Doctor," said the sufferer, supinely, as he dropped into the dentist's chair, "my uerve is completely gone." "Oh, no, it isn t, was the tiheerful reply. "Wait till I get a firm hold, and you'll realise your mistake." He Agreed With Her.—Mrs. Sorapeleigh: "Bah! I've made a- different man of you since I married you." Mr. Scrapleigh "I belike you have. Very different, indeed. So diffe- rent that now I can't Gee v/hot m the world ever possessed me to marry you." It is recorded of a, young fop who visited one of the liothschilds >tha': he was so proud of his. n alaehitc sleeve buttons that he insisted upcn exhibiting them to his host. The latter looked a.t them and said: "Yes, it is a pretty stone, I hare a mantel-piece made of it in the next room." "How op earth did Hunker get out cf his engagement Avith Miss Eldoer after he fell in iov«> with Miss Scaddis ?" "It was done by a judicious selection of a hirthday present." '"What did he ,end her?" "He sent her a book entitled 'How to grow old gracefully,' and she tent his letters and ring back immediately." "You ought to take some rest," said the sympathetic friend. "Can't you go fishing, or something like that?" "Well," replied Mr. j Weary, "I'm going duck-hunting pretty soon." "Where?" "Up Bold-street. My wife has seen a duck of a bonnet that I have to go in pursuit of." First Pedestrian (regarding passing cycl.st): Jove! that oyclist is a fine-looking young fellow.—Second Pedestrian Young fellow ?— young lady, you mean.—First Pedestrian Non- sense I say it's a young man '.—Second Pedes- trian No, it isn't—can't you see the cycle is a. lady's,- not a gentleman's wheel?" "If a. gul is a.nxious to marry began the maid. "Yes?" said the woman of the world, encouragingly. "If she is anxious to marry and marry well, from the point of view of society, I suppose; she would prejoare her- self as she would for a profession ?" "Cer- tainly." "There are some things that she should cultivate asstiduously, and others to which sbs need devote little attention?" "There are." "Well, what would you advise lwr to cultivate particularly ?" "A wealthy relative who is likely to die soon." The question of umpires' decisions recalls an occasion when Shrewsbury was given out by a palpable mistake on the part of the umpire. A friend went up to him and said: "I say, Shrewsbury, I feel wild about that beastly, un- fair decision." "Aren't you angry?" "011, no," replied Arthur, smilingly. "It is true, I ought not to have beou given out, but there are many occasions en which I have been given in when I ought to have been out. You can't get infallible umpires, a.nd I hnd that the bad luck and good ars evenly balanced." "I say, old man, whatg that awful row going on next door?" "Oh. that's the Omphale Club. The ladie^ are having their first whist party, of the season.' "-No, Herbert," she said in a low tone, "it is impossible. I fea-r to trust my future with you." "And why?" "I have watched your conduct. closely. It lacks the mark of such devotion as my soul craves. "Do I not coni £ to see you four nights in the week?" ¥ es but I ltave detec ted' a. calculating" selfishness mi your nature which I fear." "What do you mean?" "You have nevsr yet failed to leave in time to catch the last 'is.' "But that is only oomtnoni sense. "I know it is, Herbert, and, therefore, it is not love.'

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