Evening Express

OUR SHORT STORY 1 THE TOBTUBE OF DOTTBT. The white light of the Roonday sun falls on the plaza. The stone pavement throws back the heat, and the pulsating air distorts fantastically the trees on the streets beyond. The street movement has almost ceased, the jaum of voices becomes gradually lower, ;md the leathery clatter of unshod hoofs is stilled. The policeman at the corner takes a last glance around to make sure that all is well, and withdraws to the inviting shadow of a. neighbouring archway; soon his head rests comfortably against the wall, he closes his I ejres, and the peace must be maintained with- unt interference from him. His cigarette still tightly held, burns slowly away. When the fire touches his fingers he awakens momen- tarily, throws the cigarette away,and relapses again into slumber. The shutters In the shops of the portales are being put up, for the merchant of the Gaudalajara is wise. and takes ample time in the heat of the day for a leisurely breakfast and a long rest there- y 11 after. The chatter in the cantina is dulled to a drowsy murmur, and the clink of the glasses is no longer heard. At the kerb in front stands a solitary burro, awaiting the pleasure of bin masttr. His long ears flap lazily, in time with his carefully clipped tail; the latter ridiculously inadequate for the purpose, for his "Gert efforts fail to dislodge the flies. He opens (n this sits .Tosefa. waiting the Prefect's coming. wide his mouth, as if to bray. but changes bis mind, and yawns instead; the shade of the portal impresses him as an improvement upon his present position. lie places ote hoof on the sidewalk, and looks fixedly at the door of the cantina; no result follows, and he places its fellow beside it; pausing a moment, the silence encourages him; he makes bold to get entirely in the shade, und smiles satisfaction to himself. But his plea- sure is brief; his master rushes from the cantina with a cry of "Arre burro aud chases him down the street. Two children play bareheaded in the gutter, a single gar- ment tucked up to their armpits shows dete- rence to a civilisation which prescribes cloth- ing in public. Their brown skin shines tu-Uy through the increasing dust ss they slowly dabble their hands in the small puddle and; mutually clean them in each other's hair. This operation, carried on in a grave and dignified manner, gives evident satisfaction. Having thoroughly matted each other's hair with mud, they proceed to decorate their garments likewise; but their mother quickly interferes, for their hair will cleanse itself in time, but skirts must be washed. The lower booths near the centre of the plaza have long been clcsed, with one excep- tion; in this sits Josefa, patiently waiting Perfecto's coming; the unsold flowers are dampiy packed, ready to be taken back to the casita near the south gate of the city; properly cared for they will appear to-morrow in a bouquet not noticeably different froci those more freshly cut. Perfecto comes, casts the leathern straps from his head and places the heavy ollas at his feet. Since early morning he has been drawing water from the. fountain and distri- buting it to the various houses, for, as yet, the glorious opportunity for plunder or political power, or both, by means of a water company, has not been exploited. I-Ie tottsew a handful of tiacos into Josefa's lap and smiles as she carefully catmts them. "Well, done, Perfecto," she says, "a medio more than yesterday," then nods approvingly. While he fans himself vigorously with his leather cap she unburdens her mind, for of late there hi-s arisen within her a woraanly desire for a bit of raiment—a desire not to be satisfied, she knows, yet the very im- possibility of possession makes her dwell more fondly on its beauties. She glowingly describes this wonderful rebozo its curiouslr woven figures and marvellously lustrous colours; the silken softness of the material and tha filmy fringe which adorns the ends. "But ths cost, PeTfecto." she adds help- lessly, "the cost! Twelve dollars Think of it I Our earnings for a month. It is so beautiful, were it mine, I would—but no To spend so much for one rebozo were wicked—no Perfecto comforts her as to the moral aspect; it's all right to wish for things, for one doesn't usually get them; when the with is gratified the trouble begins. He presents the practical side. They have the money, it is true; but the child is none too well, and who knows but the medico must be consulted—when that once begins-vaya What doesn't go to the medico the botica takes, and no cure until there's no moaey loft; the doctor then looks wise and says, thank to God and his skill, the child is out of danger. and there's no need to come V any more. No, chica, they must do without the rebozo for awhile, and then, perhaps, luck may come. Within a week all ideas of finery are driven out of Josefa's mind by ideas so new, strange, and terrifying to her gentle nature that her late desire fades from her mind and disappears in the dark cloud which shadows iier. Mariana, who occupies the adjacent booth, takes a dismal view of life, coloured deeply by an experience regretted when too late.. "Yon seem always happy and smiling, Josefa," she says. "Not seems; I am. And why M)t ? I have my baby and Perfecto. What Hiore can a womaa ask ?" "True, you have him. as you say; but men arc changeable. Still. I hope it will aot be so with Perfecto. Really, I hope so, for you are not one to bear that sort of tiling easily." "No, I don't think I am," laughed Josefa. "But, Mariana, if I were you, I wouldn't worry about Perfecto." This hint quiets her for the present. The sext day she opens the subject in suck a way that Josefa's indignation passes an kounds, and she expresses herself with unex- pected freedom. "Very well, nina mia," responded Mariana; *1 thought it a kindness to you. Of course, it isn't my affair, but if I were you, I would ? aiic Perfecto where he goes every afternoon." This parting shot told, for of late Perfecto had left the house while the sun vas still high, and though usually communicative, he had maintained a discreet silence as to why and where he went. "What a tonta I am," she says;' "a fool, indeed, to wonder at so simple a thing, when I have but to .a,;¡k the question. Because Mari- ana is a chattering idiot, am I to let hsr idle words worry me—make me doubt him whom ,1 have always trusted?" Xhat afternoon. as he was about to JUVA as usual, she timidly asks him where he is going; he answers at random and walks away. She misses his guitar, and on his return asks him what has become of it. He makes the mistake of lying to his wife, and not lying well. He had taken it to old Juliano to be unstrung and put in order. This should have been satisfactory, but it was not, because she had that morning s->en the instrument maker, who inquired for Per- fecto, and incidentally said that he had not seen him for a month. Can her idol be of ciay? Can Mariana's goesip be true? It can't be, must not be true. There's a mis- take somewhere. Juliano is old, and for- gets. That's it, he forgets. She watches Perfecto as he chatters to her, sees the old- time affection in his eyes, and is happy again. Perplexity comes next day. Mariana., for- getful of put rebuffs, comes smiling to J osefa. "Have you seen the beautiful Americana? No? She is indeed beautiful—eyes as blue as the sky, brown hair, and skin like marble. San Juan, No. 8, is where she lives—ask Per. fecto; he knows." This last is said so significant\y that Josefa could have slain her. The old doubt comes to the surface again, but it is reso- lutely crushed down; but not for long. She looks towards the fountain and see.3 the Americllna--it can be no other. She seems a vision of loveliness as she smites on Per- fecto, who stands, hat in hand, apparently at e.i,se, as ii this were not the first- tin;s he had spoken to her. Josefa itutes tiic clear, white complexion, and uflcoiiy./Lousiy lets her eyes fail on her own brown Laud, In the cool of the evening aha i^ tempteu to itsk Perfecto how he chanced io talk to Csie so clearly above their station, but the v-ords dry in her throat. She lights agalnr.t her thoughts, but strive &s shs will, sue fecis that there is something amiss. Sht: tells herself again and again she is a fool for lier doubts, but they remain with her. In the morning, while arranging her Sowers to the best advantage, she glances up and sees the Americana approaching. She will now meet face to face the woman who has enslaved her husband. She fully believes this now, and her hatred of the cause of her misery nearly brings forth a ilood of bitter anger and reproach, OUt there is something in the girl's face that stops the words. As she quietly, almost sullenly, oners her basket of roses from which to make a selection, uhe thinks she may possibly be mistaken, lor surely there is no evil in those eyes which look so frankly into her o*.v»i. She listens to the girl's few words of imperfect Spanish, k\ad feels sure the possessor oi ?.) curt a voice can do no wrong. She L; essentially simpatica; her eyes, grace and beauty, fii appeal to Josefa's native sense of harmoi-.7 a moment more and she would have been v. on by tha girl's loveliness. "You are Perfccto's wife?" she says, wi j!t a single, "aad this is the little Josefa of whom he speaks The words &re misunderstood, the smile misinterpreted; the doubts almost lulled to rest rush back upon her. Snatching the child from the beach, she clasps it tigl:tly to her breast, and turns with tiis look cf a tigress defending its young. The girl raises her eyebro\.s quest-ioninglv to speak, but walks away puzzled to account for this strange outburst of passioia. Joseia gsuzes hxedly for a moment at the retreating form. "Oh, the shameless woman! she says. "Not content to rob me of iny husband's love, she seeks mo out to triumph in the misery che caused. Look, ninita! Look with your baby eyes on her who has ruined ypur life and mine—-made you fatherless a.ad me a widow! Hate her hate her I tail you May the good God above us blight her iifcj as she has mine." Tha tension of her grief ajiJ anger is relieved by a ilood of tears, and the paroxysm, of passion slowly passes away. She walks quietly by Perfecto's side on their homeward way, saying nothing nor daring to look at him, lest he see the change in her face. At koine he attempts a caress, but she releases herself, aad keeps tite child constantly in her arms that he may not touch it. When Perfecto leaves she dresses the child afresh in white, pours the contents ot a vial into a cup of water, and makes her drink half of It; the; lips slowly fall as sirs places the child on the bed and stonily kisses it. Leaving the house, she walks slowly to- wards the portales she remembers San Juan, No. 3, jai knows where Perfecto wiil be found. She passes the shop where the re- bozo was for sale and thinks how trivial was lier wish. Yet why should she not have it now? She has the money with her, and will soon have no further use for it. She walks back, bat the clerk says he sold it not half ail hour ago to Perfecto. She goes out again, and readily finds the house sha is in search of, acd slips quietly past the portero, who sits sleeping in the doorway. She looks around the patio hesi- tatingly, whon she ltea.f3 tka soft tinkle of a guitar. Hastily climbing the stairs to the corridor, she stops at A door from beyond which Perfecto's voice rings o'jt fresh and clear. She stands bewildered. There com^s before her the scene when first Perfecto 'iY.A4!j those I She listens to the girl's few words of imperfect Spanish. Sp8oish. words to her, tie same tender pleading h> his voice. When w;s it? Yesterday? A year ago? She cannot think. is he singing to ago? She cannot think. Is he singing to her now? He must be. The strangeness of the surroundings brings hsr 'to ierself %P the song continues. "Without the3 there is, indeed, 110 life," sha murmurs. She looks blaakly at the door, uncertain what to tio. What had Tq. come for ? She contracts her brow in the effort to collect her ideas. It is useless— Perfecto is there, she is sure. Will the girl like the rebozo, she wonders. Shall she go in and ask to whom he is singing her song? No, better not—she sways unsteadily against the railing—she has something to do at home. Still her mind remains blank ia spite of her el-'orta. Now she knows How foolish not to have thought of it at first; of the cup of water she gave tho baby haitf remains for herself. She walks uasteadily down the stairs asad out into the street, but turss the wrong way and goes Oil for a couple of blocks. She half realises her mistake tad retreats her steps. Once in the plaza, sks instinctively takes the proper direction. At her own door she pauses. Now she will fill the cup; Perfecto can sing her, song to anyone he pleases. She pauses, opens the door, and walks firmly in. Kneeling on the floor beside the bed, his arms around his dead child, is Perfecto; tke longed-foi rebozo hali released, from its wrappings, shines brightly from the blanket. All this she sees as her limbs give way, aad she falls senseless to the floor..

Social and Personal ■ INTERESTING PARS ABOUT INTERESTING PEOPLE. A Column of Gossip and Chatter on an Infinitude of Men and Hatters. The Paris "Figaro," in remarking on the perfect figure of the beautiful Queen of Servia., and of the exquisite and atately carriage of her head, attributes it to the fact feat her Majesty has never used x (pillow, aiad that she waa trained from girlhood to deep ou a. narro,7 hard mattress. An Australian bride, with a valiant disbelief in superstition that would have delighted the Thirteen Club, was married the other day in green. Her dress was of chine Gil'i trimmed with laoe, and was her travelling dress as well. Her sister and her bridemaid1 did her bc-ari to propitiate the avenging deiiioa by sxraying herself jn white; and so far the union nao rc- euiceti in no distressful accidents. As a scatter of fact, green has, for all save brides, become a very favourite colour at weddings, and there have been few bridenlaida lately wno have not a touch of green about t'heia oomewhere. natural inherent helplessness of man never appears to stronger advantage ih&:a when he falls ill (says a writer ic i oontempar&ry). Not seriously ill, of course, but just enough t alarm him laud mac k verj easily alarmed1 when physical pain ia concerned^, awd i c."S't enough to aiako aim feel depended upon womankind. Any woman w!bo .'1<i£ been wad*?.- the same roof with an ailing man must acknowledge this. Hexfe to in3 utter iueai- rigibility in illness, iic capacity foi "nel'Og waited on" comes out strong. At the very first twinge the average man calmly resigns himselr its ajo-e-pting t:12 cocaiant a&entlo*. of the entire feminine portion of icls ko&ueiKiiu. E-qab who look vjpon V" a 1-'0'(0,' de- oreatvre-, should: have « beief ex- perience of this 'Or.. "I heard'a most interesting account last we&k from 0113 o5 t.'ie oSicc-i-s who -h&ve returned from Aehanteo, of tae ladieo ol those i^gions," say 1 a writer in the '\ren tie woman." "He de- clared that they were very handsome, till, well- gio'w-n specimens otf the female ser. They wecr two sheets, one of them draped like a petticoat &nd the other twisted like a kred of burnous shawl. ThiM shawl i-3 left j",¡. a loop at tue back, and toe babies axe bung therein, a^d fastened by mere twiit ot the maternal sheet. 'My informant told me thiii lie, could not oomprenend tew it waa skat this twist never came loose and. the b:10!'23 did i-oi o.rop beiiind. <«>iiite little jjirk aire trained to fesry buraena in this manner, by ^ving ct weight fastened into theiv c-'hawia as tie dock, to acouetom them to i!19 tiaSit. F-e 5&ici overy womsrjj had s, baby, zad he saw a kttle h-3id pee-iping out cf the back of every sha-v/l." Araorurg many cwios s»:id jouveui.'s 'f her honeymoon v/hiua the young Duaa&&> ol Id&rl- botrough Is bringing hoir.to, saya "oinwn," Is a young Nubian, whom siie intenda to *:uid ZS & (personal attendant. She w.ll not be tag nz-^t gn;ai lady to reap the beneut at i. black man's f-erv:ce« io thai capacity. The iutante jiuiahs of Spain never travels vitnout & young riegro attendant, for v/norn s'he i.ntereeded when he v/ej founa -in mid-oeean, a *6cw»\i*ay ca Board the .?hip in which s-hc Was retiiii r/i-nr from the Ca^ariei. She proailsed the c&ptaiL to make Lior»eli" irtsyon-iiiMe tot- Ms good behaviour during the remainder of the voyage, ? 9 ana to take -charge 01 him afterward*. Since thtu he has never let!; her, ileepi-ng *ceos& her bcdi-oom door at night, and wafcohiu.'i over i-er safety with the fidelity of a dog. Although wiien travel!iny ;;hc prefers to disipense witii ladies-in-waiting and equerriee, ifom a&ble iti- vitor naver quits her. Althougb- the Queen, dresseo so simply, the Royai. dressmake:"s have been bus;/ preparing her costumes for Ck>ntinontai wetur. Her Majesty is extremely wonstivatave su her tasias, »nd fashion troubles her but little; yet she ;s particuiax" to a. degree that her apparei be of the finest quality. In the accessories of dress is tJiis most shown, her glovo l1'3ing of the most superb fineness, and her stockings dainty as though woven by fairy fingers. The Qmeen has still good awuse 'M be plO!sd 0" her hsu3d» and feet, the former being beautifully shaped wcji quite plump and. wnite. £ 31 le i.i.bes a smaller size in sLces ihsa any of her dai.ghier> and Las nevi^r been iadueed to favour high heels. During ihe Continental hoiidu.y, I-or Majesty spends many leisure moments over her wonderful aerap-boox. It has beet; m the Queen's posa^ssion for many years, and tl.s wag assisted in the making of it by the late Prince Consort, who hinwlf painted a number of dainty little sketches therein. Some of the most interesting of its page3 are' devoted to various piecce of lace, collected from Royal bridal and christen- ing cakes. A tiny piece of delicate lace which adorned the Queen's own .vedding eaka is aaid to be included. The new number of the "Strand Magazine" contains 2, description cf the many palace: of the German. Emperor. In t'He course cf tiie article, ref-jrenc-c. is incidently made to th-e per- 8oualit-ie3 of tno Kmperor and Empc-ss. The writer says;—"i have seen the Emperor roaay tunes yet only on one occasion has he been out of regimentals. In, spite of the weakness oi one arm, ha makfij a fine tigu.*Q ou ho«raeba(» £ 1'iding aiways animals tpeoially tra.(T.ed to answer to knee pressure), ae one hand is, of course, g«A??aUy var«tcd for carrviag hie awcrd. lie writes extremely well, swims and f» n'jes • is a fir^t-n-e yAohtsman, and is, iiidetd., an adept in most ^ntdbor eatercpsee. Pl-iin living 3uits h;m b&st, !»i* tastes in ¥t:lt oirecuion being altogether simple. One of nis hobbies—and he has severW-is colleoting auto- graph!?. Another is tnusic. Re singe, and plays the violin, v-rhkfi instrument he learned, when a.W2..Y frrjrr. heme, to surprise and pleast his father. Seme of hit. oompcaltkn.? ai*. ia print; notafciy a soiig whicn wats lately given at a .Berlin conoert, and which has beten mm -h written of. Anothsr of mis hobbies is being phctogra-ohed and it is said he h&a a kean eye for position. The Empress M tall, tair, and heahhy-looking, with a very kind aspect that insensibly attracts those with whom she comen in contact. Though domesticated, fond of home life, and devoted mother, she in none tite less an Empress, and can fully enter into all State and political affairs, possessing a ten- tative memory and a quick perception. At the same time, her Majesty prefers to leave these questions to those who make it theitf business. The children—six bojs and one girl-have all nice &t»3, wind the eldest ones are renut-ed to be clever in their studies. Three of them &re nearly always m uniform, anni at is good to :*e tbom exereis-ing wit'h their reigi-iG'ent. The Orown, Prince is gifted, in a more than ordi- nary manner, is a good musician and linguist, and quite as enthusiastic a soldier as is kis Imperial fot'her."

HOW TO TAKE OUT PATENTS Many useful and novel appliances are from time to time devised which are not turned to practical account owing to waat of knowedge on the part of inventors as to how to patent their inventions. We constantly receive letters asking our advice, and, wrth a view to affording information ae to ooats and modes of procedure in applying for provisional protection and patents, we have made arrangements accord- ingly. Any of our readers who desire such in- foiniiatuwi should send a stamped envelope, en. closed to i he Patent Editor, "Western Mail," Cardiff, by whom it will 1* handed to a thoroughly trustworthy expert in such matters, who will reolv fully to our correspondents. -?-

FOR MEALS AND BETWEEN MEALS, There is no more refreshing and invigorating beverage than Cadbury's Cocoa. It is infinitely miperior to tea or coffee for nourishing- and strength-imparting qualities, and w jrenuine and unadulterated with alka- lies. e3435 Do vou know that C.v/iWm Evans' poinine Bitters efff-ctufcllr removes ttie cause of indigestion, strengthens the etomaeh, and gives tone to the whole system. Sold in bottles. 2s. 9d. and 4a. 6d. each. Avoid imita- l Wcr-derful Medicine.— Kernick's Vegetable Pills; cure lieadaches, indigestion, ne:-»nus debility, be., 7^d., le. lid and 2s. 9d per box.—Sold every- where. e3306 Oliver Wende!! Holmes wrove his mosS faimuie woika with a Mat*?. Todd, and Bard Gold Pen, one where. e3306 Oliver Wende!! Holmes wrove his mosS faimuie woika with a Mat*?. Todd, and Bard Gold Pen, one of which he had in da,;ly use fonnore than 30 years. A "SWVJJ" pen did not exist when he bought )iis f*mou!< goki nib—jf it had his la-wura would have Lbeeu greotlx H,¡ ,?-? L12791

OVtK THE NUTS AND WINE QUIPS AND CRANKS FROM BOTH HEMI- SPHERES. ? A Selection of Jokes and Fun ny Anecdotes for tfee Mental Recreation of Old and I Young1. Ethel: George told me I sang like his pet bird. Maud: The mean tiling; it' a parrot. Tippie: Didn't you have an affaire re cseur with young Cadley? Sibyl: No. I found out what he was. It was an affair de cur. Mason: Did you meet your wife late in life, Colonel? Colonel: Well—or—not quite as lat-e as I could have wished. "Aren't you going to look for the man who eloped witb your wife." ,<ON o. Why should I? He is a stranger to me and able to look out for himself." Rev. G-umms: I am unalterably opposed to divorces.—-Mrs. Wabash: What do you favour, doctor, polygamy ? Borden I know this is no spring chicken by the teeth.—Mrs. Slimdiet: Chickens have no teeth !—Bordon: No; but I have. MaxI gave that man a dollar the other day, and I tell you lie made me sweat for it.— Kitson Ye-s ? What is he? —Max Pro- prietor of a, Turkish bath. Bogg: Can you rely on Jones's friendship? Fogg: I am afraid not. He owes me some money. Can you rely on Brown's? Oh, yes. I owe him some. Willis: What's the most embarassing thing you know of? Bulls: To be refused by a rich girl. What kind of -?-n 1 bar ass men fc do you call that ? Bills: Pecuniary. Teacher: Is it cooler at the foot of a moun- tain or the top? "At the top." eTaoher: How do you know? "I sleep in a garret." "I guess I"- The fireman turned sleepily on his couch and prepared to take a fresh snooze, ignoring the sound of the frantic alaim- rrossed fire that time Secure in the power of his political pull, he snored. Fair Patient: Can't you give me something, Why, your temperature is too low doctor, to lower my temperature? Dr. Endee now. Fair Patient: Oh, no, it isn't. I want to get it as low as my feet. They are like ice. She plays the piano and storms on the keys With regular baggage-man air, And, like that official, is famed for the fact That she never does Handle with care. "You don't obe,t to a contributor dropping into poetry once in a while, I presume?" said the caller with an affable smile. "Certainly not, sir. Sit down," replied the editor, push- ing the waste paper basket towards him. "Brown seems to be very excitable. I Raw him ohase his hat to-day down a crowded street." "Well, what of that ?" "If he'd only been cool and waited somebody would have caught it, brushed it, and brought i* back to him." Miss Singlewun: "What a haiteful thing AaisE) White is." Mites Thingumy: "Why, wha.t has she been saying now?" Miss Single- wun: "I ust happened to say she'd never see forty-five again, and she said, "Not'when I look at you.' The spiteful thing." Wool: (Brace éØets a big sum from his uncle's estate, but he is kicking because the will can't be found.—Van Pelt: What has he got to kick a'bout ?—.Wool: There isn't going to be any show to break the will. Customer: Can't you wait upon me? I've been here for nearly an hour. Two pounds of liver, please. .butcher: Sorry, but there're three or four ahead of you. Surely you don't want your liver out of order. De !Ruyter: (I don't believe Spacer is lma.loiug all the nnoney lie says he is.— O'Collum: What makes you think that?— De Ruyter: He's wearing a new suit and a top hat. "That girl can talk a little bit." "Is that so?" "Quite true. The only -thing she said to me the whole evening was 'No,' and I had to propose to her to get hei to say that." Mrs. Fashion: I've picked out a husband for you, daughter. Miss Fashion: Very well, but I want to say, mother, when it comes to buying the wedding ring, l'm going to select the material myself. Helen: Would you call Miss Passie an old maid? Marie: Wbll, I might over a telephone if I were rea.1 mad; but certainly not to her fast. Foixl Parent: Its all nonsense, Bobby, saying you cannot go to sleep without a light. What would you have done if you had been born before gas or candles were invented?— Bobby (promptly): Gone to bed in the day- time. Pcliticud: Do you snpipose that Lord Salisbury will be able to bring- Mr. Cleveland to tf>I'ms ?—Quifczicus Hardly. He has already been brought to two. Whether he can be brought to a third is doubtful. "Here's Amy Slocum has eaptured that rich Q,TIS A.CUBJ^B- AJ9.\ IkOH ^UIAS-POOF) 'JL\[ can't even ride a wheel. I can't understand it," said Clara Up-to-Date.—"I can," mildly remarked Mr. Up-to-Date, from the depths of his armchair. Saidso Whom do your children favour ?— Herdso: I'm told the pretty one looks like his mother, and the other one like me. "Did Newgroom get the appointment as ma.il carrier?" "Ye3. twins." "What is the reason those stockings of mine are not. darned?' asked the Emancipated Woman, as «h« started down town. "I beg I your pardon, dear," eaid the New Husband apologetically, "but I burned my fingers so badly ironing your shirts that I cannot hold I a darning needle." "What's the matter wit-h that horse 1" said the animal's owner art- the race track. "He's fast asleep," replied the stable boy. "Well, leavo him that way. It's the only time he ever is fast." "Hevidently" The London oockney grudgingly deposited what he deemed an exorbitant charge for his ad. in the Daily Extra. -Hi've got to pay the pyper." There was a mad, joyous peal of Bow bells as the alien advertiser disappeared! from the ecene. "What I used to strive for," said the old aictor rtrdik^-ently, "was tfce enthusiastic plaudits of the crowd, the hoarse approbation of the million. I whlÜedJ a niche in the temple of fame."—"And now?" inquired a sanguine young if am let.—"And now." quoth the aoior as he took another piece or cheese, "anÕi now I am more tham happy if I can get within the effective replugs of '0', rea^mably good lunch counter." "You know I dislike corned meats. King Umg*iun.4by turned' savugply upon vile' imperial chef ?\? 1w* spoke. "It h? fvtl tlho marked affords just now, your Royal High- noss," pleaded tht. kneeling dave. "How is that ?" aii-d his Majesty cocked his car, ex- pecting to catch the chef in 2. lie. "Why. ail those miss ion arifcs caught yesterday v/ove shots several sizes too ■small." "Excuse my gritlf- nei?." said the king, and then he resuiae-d his jii&il. swaniiurlv satisfied. j "What is the matter?" asked the first busi- ness man. "Well, to put it brufly," said the other, "I have been speculating in stocks." "Indeed? Were you a 'bull' or a 'bear'?" "Neither. I was an ass." "At last," said the learned professor to his wife, as he entered the diming room and sat down to tea, "at last I have succeeded in accomplishing something with the X rajs, which it has long been my ambition to achieve and which, to my mind, demonstrates better than all else the marvellous quality of the neW process. The other things I have accom- pli,lied, such a* photographing a bone collar button through five feet of a.inour plate and getting the correct outlines of an undigested peanut which lodged in the vermiform tlijJ- pendix of an elephant-, sink into insignificance alongside of this, ray latest achievement. "But what is it you have done?" asked the professor's wife in a tone of great interest. "I have succeeded, my dear, lie replied, "in obtaining a perfect shadowgraph of three well-developed oysters in a tureen of church sociable cvster stew! After that there can be nothing too difficult for the X rays to accomplish." Elderly Gentlemam "This is a remarkably good photo of my eon Very like him, indeed! Has he paid for it yet? Photographer: "No, sir." Elderly Gentleman: 'AJi, very like him, indeed." "How much was that diamon(I buckle you had, stolen worth f inquired the theatrical interviewer. oeventeen columns,' was the "star" actress's absent-minded reply. Mr. Slopav. This bill is outrageous. You charge me for ten visits, and you attended me only five times during my illness. Doctor Socum: Yes, but you forget my five visits in attempting to collecb my bill. First Housemaid: What sort of a, family ore you with now, dear ? Second ditto: Oh, very so-so! Not a bit fashionable. Why! not one of the daughters even rides a bicycle! Have you heard tha.t the big sleevew are going out, eorge, dear?' "Yes, my love, 1 have; but I don't believe ii. "Why, pray' "I dont believe they can get through the door." From America.—May: Do you t-hnik fiat Alica wiil marry when ehe gfcfS io London ? Bess: She will if she ha* any &ea&e. May: You mean she will if she has any dollars." Sinnick: After all, marriage is nothing but a fnuvnoiai failure in all its Miccenive phases. Tru&tus: In what way do you !Zl('¡¡n? Sin- nick First matrimony, then piji money, and .JasfeLv alimony.

,_4 BUSIETESS ADDBESSES. f- ?-? .TMtrr ,.??..?.Jb?-?))!tM!?!?!?'M'?"??°?"?'??'?? ? J I I -?- I -? -=- -==-? -=?:? •OtVRlOH^I -? J 74, QUEEN ST., CARDIFF

DR. JA MESON'S RAIB. Said Mr. Wiener, president of the Associated Chambers of Commerce of South Africa. at a Congress at Bloomfontein :—"Dr. Jamesons piratical raid, which, fortunately for the peace of Africa, failed, has put the clock back many years. I am confident in saying tha.t we, delegates representing the Chambers of Commerco of all parts of South Africa, strongly ueprec-ate -the action of Dr. Jameson, as striking at the very foundation of right and of good government."

A HOLLOW FARCE-. STSANSK HAREIAGB CtTSTOK IN JAPAIT. Itl J*pssi i-b i., ro.. good form for the bride to admit th::6 she eaxjoys (he prospetsi cf gstciug married, and, therefore, when she is told aibout it iiiree or four t«*yj before vsia evano, eiia is expected to ass up a loud bellowing, Mid keep iv tip day «ud night until r.i1-e ceremony ttirec pl"ce. Affcsr sla kaj be;n richly cksssed for $hu occasion, stiw is ospecwxl to 'iitvng bcick aad .Tiirksk, and a diovt oJ rtc:ing her ivt-vn- csiii's efforie to lesd hsr to the bridogioo.-n. This ltoUvAf forces » kept up by cae o £ »;'ia bricsirsids usaUy throwing- a vail o-ypr »?;e bride's while sm old he# takes her on hc-r back aud carries hc-r to ft eedan ctai-r vaiiiug a.i the dooi* to take her to ti-.a bridegroom's K*a».sion. When bhe arrival -Share ehe is a wjfs, tho simpla iu a flowery chair having the iny-iio power vi h-.c into: 9, married woman. From that time ishe begins to bi-ii/htt-ai up-.

WHAT PUBLIC MEETINGS COST. Almost every issue of a daily paper in this decade contains, during certain seasons of the year, reports of great public meetings here, there, aaid everywhere, for all manner of (ibccjts, a.nd it is pretty certain tha.t it seldom occurs to the public what all immense amount of expense these meetings involve in the way of hire of balls, with their heavy gas bills, attendants at the doors, and advertising. There are com- paratively few self-constituted bodies who posess a hall of their own in which meetings may be held, and in each case where a hail or theatre ie hired' for the night the expense ma.y, for tLe rental alone, be any thing from two to forty pounds, which sum, ot course, comes out of the pockets of the promoters of the meeting. A well-known political organiser assures the writer that a mass meeting in a great hall costs in. one way and another quite JB100, and if a mass meeting be expected, an extra hall has, of oourse, to be secured. Were it not that a. great number of rich men have an eager political and social ambition these meetings could never take place.

LOCAL NEWS ITEMS. The Bishop of Llandaff held a bilingual con- firmation at the Weis-h Church, Cardiff, cn Sunday afternoon. Viscount and Viscountess Emlyn and Mr. Pryce-Jones, M.P., attended the rtceptiun of the Hon. Jakly Ridley on Saturday. 1896.—SPRING CLKAXIKG.—Send Postcard to the Cardiff Steam Laundry, Dyeing, Oirpet and Window Cleaning Company (Limited), 1, Mimiy-tti-cet, Catiisy.s. Every Order receives piumpt attention. Red Croee Vang and Ladder Trucks to All parts Dally. National Telephone, 741. Penarth Office, 57, Wiadxor-road. e4935 .?

Don't be disheartened. Try II course of Gwilym Erane' Quinine Bitters. It has cured many when ail orber nipans had failed. There is notbinjf like it for strengtheni?is: the wpak and bracing up the system. In bottles, 2s. 9d. and 4H. 6d. tfKl'PElt'S QUININE AND IKON TONIC, em- biacing, vivify.ng, msteining, dispels depr01I1Í<fi, cures indigestion, iieuraipia, and all aches or pains. Pepper's, the only real tonic. Smiling- bottles. E.PP.S'S COCOA.—GRATEFUL AND COMFORT- ING.—"By a thoroughknowleJge of the natural bwf which govern the operations of digestion and nutri- tion, and by a careful application of the line pro- perties of well-selected COCOA, Mr. Ep{lH hto pro- vided for our breakfast aiid supper a delicateiy- flavc-ured beverage which may save U8 many heavy doctors' bille. It is by the judicious use of suoh articles of diet that a constitution may be gradually built up until strong enough to resist every tendency to diseiM-e. We may escape many a fatal shaft by keeping onreelvea welt fortified with pure blood and a property nourished frame."—"Qivil Service W tte. I-liade simply with boiling water or milk. -Sold only in packets, by grocers, labelled-" JAMES EPPS and CO. (Limited), Homeopathic, Chemists, London."—Also makers of Epps'a Coc.oaine or Cocoa- Nib Extract: Tea-like A thin beverage of full fla- vour, now with many beneficially taking the place of tea. Its active principle being a gentle nerve stimu- lant supplies the needed energy, without unduly ex- citing, the syetem. e482:?m.w. TO DARKEN GREY HAIR.—I.ockyer's Sulphur Hair Restorer is the quickest, best, safest, costs ICds, effects more than any other. The colour pro- duced i8 the moat natural. Lockyer's Sulphur if the only Knglish Hair Restare;, Uni^eisally Relied on. PRESCRIPTION" FREE I have resolved, after mu-h consideration, to give to sufferers who will send me a .^elf-addressed stamped envelope, the Prescription which cured me after 17 years of Buttering irorn Nervous Debility. Thill l're. I acription from niv own experier.ee, an infallible guaranteed cure for Exhausted Vitality, Weakness, Deepondencv, Varioeele, Kidney and Liver and all kindred diseases, and I eontk nifcly recommend it to all who to suffer. (Name this paper.)—Write to W. H. BROWN, Keq., 14, Chesham-road, Brighton, j Sussex. e5113 j

PERKINS BROS. AND 00.- IRON MERCHANTS & FURNISHERS. 55, ST. MARY-STREET, WYNBHAM-ASOABE, AND lttlbt LANE, CARDIFF. IMMENSE ARRIVALS OF LINOLEUMS. CARPETS. AND FURNITUB^ AGENTS FOR THE CELEBRATED JAMES' OYOLB. THIS SPLENDID MACHINE IS NOW TO BE BOUGHT AT POPULAR PRWss. ITS HISTORY IS TOO WELL-KNOWN TO NEED DESCRIPTION HERE. —=_ ? THE GREATEST BOON EVER OFFERED TO THE PUBl^jj PHIL PHILLIPS' TOOTHACHE CUR# (REGISTERED) HAS BEEN TESTED BY THE PUBLIC FREE OF CHARGE FOR ONE WBO NEARLY THREE HUNDRED CASES TREATED, AND IMMEDIATE RELIEF GIVEN IN EACH CASE. THIS CUBE IS NOW OFFERED TO THE PUBLIC AT THE LOW CHARGE OF ONE SHILLING PER BOTTLE- PER POST IS. 0* SEND POSTAL ORDER. TTTTC! TOATTTACTTE CURE IS QUITE HARMLESS. MAY BE USED BY ADULTS A2 H>K HEADACHE^AND^ NEgBALg^ NOTE ADDRESS:— MR. PHIL PHILLIPS. 24 ST. ]\J[ART*STREET' CARDIFF. ?It,f,r. 'v.? PHIfj PHILLIPS' RHEUMATIC CUR E. BELTS:'SOCKS: WRISTLETS: kote IPHIL PHILLI^ 10s' 6D 10s- 6D' 53- SEND SIZE OF WAIST. SEND SIZE OF BOOTS, j SEND SIZE OF WRIST. 43691 -4 DAVID JONES & COMPANY (LIMITED), THE PEOPLE'S POPULAR FOOD PROVIDERS ARE NOW OFFERING SPECIALLY SELECTED NEW ZEALAND LAMB. IN PRIME CONDITION. NOTE ONLY ADDRESS WESTMINSTER STORER, WHARTON STREET ? ? t PUBLIC NOTICES. GRAND FOOTBALL COMPETITION' PRIZE OF £ > 5 EVERY WEEK. EVER Y WEElt. HOW TO WIN IT. HOW TO COMPETES. A On SATIURJXAY, March 28, the You must fill up the Coupon underlie* following matches -.vill be t)la\ed. 1st.—-With the Names of the Teams NE^Vi'ORT V. orLOUCJiSTER. you think will win.. M & CARDIFF v. t-yVi A AoiiiA. 2nd.—With the actual number of P011? PENARTH V. ABERAVON and points against the teams you tiunK MiLVTH V. MORRISTON. win. MiLVTH V. MORRISTON. win. CONSOLATION PRIZE. A Plize of One Pound Sterling will be given to the Competitor who, failing to win the Prize, COUVEA nearest to the correct result. CONDITIONS ? I 1.—Forecast^ must be made on the Coupon. 2.—As many forecasts may be sent in as desired. 2.—As manv forecasts may be sent in as desired. 3—All foi-ec^sts must arrive at latest by Twelve midnight every Fridmy^ Football Competition on the outside, and addressed the Evening Express. <r°„ 4 The result will be declared in every Mondays is^ua of the Evening Express- 5.—Our decision is final. EVENING EXPRESS" FOOTBALL COUPON. POINTS POINTS WINNIE* PROBABLE WINNING TEAM. FOR. AGAINST, IOINI^ 1 2 3 r.. ,1" ,1. II" '1. I. '1' II 4 I' II ^-WTJIWMBI■ I L—MMIW 11II 1. ■■ ■<»» WW ?

HUXLEY MEMORIAL. A STATUE IN THE BRITISH MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY. Ths cOtumitiiea which in proiaofing a iiiemo- rial to tiio 181, Profossor Huxley sow numbers considerably over 700 persons. The amount promised and received arnouuts to over £ 2,300. Ad a .Tufficitnt sum is Itms guaranteed for ill. etatise '1/ö. -tho Britii>b Mureurn of Natural Ih,- iozy aad the medal at tlu- Roysl College of i5ui«ioe, liondom, tiie first? two objects clcfi- rdtely decided upon, .sub-committees have bec-n. r.j.ipointed -to carry tlieiil, out, alOd designs for the statue are now being prepared by Mr. 0-;p1<7W Ford, R.A. Appeal is .¡¡OW being r.iiidt' foi the third objtefc of tJie contmitte«— the furttK?r.*M»ce of biological in souse niiinner io be hereafter determined, dvrperiU'3ii-i upou tiie amount oolicctod 4: -w- ? -?, .?- .?-

DeJav is Dangerous. The timeiy use of Gwiiym Quinine Bittern wanfe off chilW. and leveiti, "to which many are so liable at this season of the year. Sold in bo-t+'.ee at 2a. 3d. and 4s. 6d. eaoli. THE GREAT BLOOD PURIFIER. THOMPSON'S BURDOCK TILLS f-urifv the foullest bio id. and relieve every disease of Stomach, Liver, and Kidneys. Pure Blood s'vfs Hea t-h. Thou- panita have been cured hv these wondei-tul Pille wliere disease could not be reached by any other medicine. Sold by all Chemists, in boxes, la. lid and 2s. 3c* each. Sent by rail to aav address. gOTELS- PENARTH. THE OUEE!Z U. FSTAURAZO (Adjoining Station). STANWKLL ROJJJ- § First-claps Luncheon from Is. Tea „ 6d- High-class Cakes and NOTED FOK MC-NIC CATERING; Accommodation for very large TjrtJ» THE QUEEN RESTAUflAIs^ PENARTH.. tof. H. R. WTLLIAMS, Propr* Thousands of children die aimuaSly terrible disease, C140UP. All niay be •jiving them Mortimer'* Croup Mixture in be obtyined ot' ail ctieniiftte ax ?????-??? ¿Jd Printed by the Proprietors, Daniel Owen (I/imite<l), .-uid puliliBhed by tlie'n ni St, Mary-^reat, CUrdiit';at their offices, f street, Swaiusc-H; at the shop of Mr. I'la. Btidgeiid..all in the County of at Urfl "Western M■>iL" Offices, Newport; sb.>{. of Mr. J. P. Caff rev, Monmouth, bOtb yf. County of Mcxmoubh and at the shop a Daviee, J/ianci'y. in the CVxmty of Ca-rriisk1*^ MONDAY, MARCH. 33, 1V#>> ?