Evening Express

OUR SHORT STORY I I SPOOFING A DETECTIYR -?? Everybody viio hu been' to Sooth Africa fcucwss what an I. D. B. v. But those nawiara whose fcraveds tare oot bees. of aD 4gxten&v« matara may no* fee squaSy wefi- Mrfi innr f So it will perhaps be just as well to explain that an I. D. B. i3 the initiative tMjr oi praaouoicing the compound word— fffi^tj-DSagaondj-Buyer. In the neighbourhood of Kimberley, not- ■withsfcan< £ iiig the extraordinary system of surveiBaiioe witich exists there 15 quite a jloorisbing community of these illegal traders, 40ic! cits rewards for their detection are so :<temp>ting that many a man makes ii his private business to look out for them. The l^uying aDd selling of rough diamonds, except ,by those who are duly licensed, is a punish- .tahla offeace, the presumption being that un- 4ioensed traders have either stolen the precious gums or that they are condoning the theft of \theiu by purchasing at a much lower price jfchan they wouki have to pay in the open jmarket. As so much of the whole commerce of the district depends upon the marketable value of jthe diamonds found in the famous local mines, Ba&uraily follows that there Is some bitter- neas of feeling connected with the tlosses which legitimate traders undoubtedly suffer through being undersold by the I. D. B.'s, and ehey have so many enemies to guard against that they have to work very cautiously indeed. Among those to whom general suspicion was tor a long time directed! was Mrs. C-rote, hale and vigorous woman of 60 or there- abouts. Eow the spspilcion of being an I. D. B. first attached itself to her nobody could tell. She was of pleasant counten- ance, comfortable proportions, and cheerful, "feat discreet of speech. Her house v, as small, f but judiciously, even amply, furnished. Her table bespoke an income that was not at all despicable. And her attire, though in scrupu- lously good taste and always of a quiet colour, ^showed her to be by no means one of those whom therefieving officer would consider it jus duty to visit. This was ail the more remarkable, seeing that during the late husband's lifetime Mrs. ^.G-rote had not been too well en- ,dowed with this world's goods. Mr. Grote was poor in life, and it was well-known .that he had no money to leave behind him when he died. Whence came, then, the in- come upon which his widow now subsisted so comfortably ? No wonder her neighbours were suspicious. And no wonder that they watched her with constantly augmenting keenness. Even the .servant she kept was pumped and questioned so judiciously that she could not have failed to betray her mistress's secrets if she had known any. Don't you tell me that the widow Grote is independent," said one inquisitive neigh- bour. Her husband was as poor as a church mouse, and she doesn't do any work now that he is dead. So where does she get her money, eh, Anncher? And how does she happen to have so much business with niggers,. feP me that?" "l', WelT, I dbc't know as it's any business of YOUIn. Mrs. Burchett, where my mis3i3 gets her money and where she doesn't. She pays me my wages reguiar and she pays her bills to the maxMite, and that's more'n some of her neighbours do. Still, she doesn't make no secret of it, so that I don't see that I need '.to. When she married 3im. Grote aer people > didn't VAeHt, ard they wouldn't have nothing Snore to do with her so long as he lived, for •?tkey thought he was after their money and were determined he shouldn't have it. After ha died they forgave her, and they aend her a regular income every month. So you see it's M plain as the nose oa your face where she gets her money." Who did you say it was that sent her this allowance, Anmchen f Why, her people—her father and mother, tof be sure." E'BEt! She's over 60, so 1 reckon her father and mother can'f be considered chickens, anyhow. And how do they send -the money?" "Weil, I must say you are very inquisitions, Mrs. Burchett. If you must. know, her nephew brings it regular as a clock, and' a real nice mm he is, too." "Bdit you haven't told me about the niggers yet" "Welt I declare 1 A body's business won't but be somebody elsc's business, soon I The washing's put out every week, and a native woman does it. And the missis puts out her IeWing. for she says it helps the poor things that need the work. And there's sometimes messages (to bring aibout things. Besides that, we have a native to chop the wood and do an sorts of things about the house that it takes a man to do. And aow, if there's anything else you want to know, you'd better ask me at once. for I'mAusy, and have gos- siped enough with you for one day." "Welh of all the impertinent minxes that ever I came across, Annchen beats them," muttered Mrs. Burchett, angrily, as she once more sought the shelter of her own domicile. "Fanley that hussy cheeking me like that! And I don't believe & word of her story, either, it's* aJ3 too straight-cut to be tree!" That evening Mr. Burchett introduced' to Ida home and spouse a Mr. G-reenaere, a friend whom ha had known for several weeks and to whom he had taken a great faacy. Mrs. Burchett might be somewhat addicted to gossiping and inquisitiveness. but she was, nevertheless, a model houewife. and Mr. Bur- cheott was wont to affirm that he had got the best wife in the colony. Without endorsing too extensively the statements of so biased a witness, we can safely affirm that M-. Bur- chett never took a guest home with him who Was not promptly made welcome and comfort- able by the lady of the house. Mr. Greenacre was no exception to the general rule appertaining to visitors here, and he enjoyed himself very well. He enjoyed his sapper. He enjoyed his cigar too. He enjoyed the drink that followed. He had enjoyed the conversation that accompanied and! flavoured everything. Said conversation turned, in a very natural maimer, upon the misdoings of a lot of I. D. B. who were believed to be doing an exten- "Wefl, I doo'i know ato iV» any btnfnees of J yourn, Mrs. Burchet* j your", .Mrs. Dureneh. sire business. Mr. (Jreeoacre also casually mentioned that nothing wonki please him better than to be the means of unearthing the whole gang. "Do you know,3 said Mrs. Burchett, suddenly, J believe some ol them live close to 118," You dbn't say so exclaimed Mr. Green- awe, rising in great excitement. "Now, Maria, was Mr. Burchett's query, "yep are still on the same lay? Do you actually believe that stupid old woman. who looks as if she couldn't say 'boe-' to a goose, to be engaged in a traffic that requires so IIIACh shrewdness and ability as illicit doamond laying "That's just where you always did make ■ataakes, Isaac. You caa't see a» inch below the surface. You look at Mrs. Grote's jolly faoe and come to the conclusion that being Jolly is ail she understands about. But if I Sou will look at tbat firm chin and mouth of era, and into her keen., grey eyes, you'll be- lieve her capable of a bit of smart business. "But what axe the reasons for believing '.ia neighbour of yours to be an I. D. B. ? asked Mr. Greenaore. "Gney eyes and a Am mouth are not much proof, you know." II Listen," said Mrs. Biurchett, and then 4be entered so minutely into all her reasons foe suspecting Mrs. Grote that her hearers ended by believing as she (i!d. I feel very sum I aiji on the track of an I. D. B. a* last!" cried Mir. Greenacre, glee- fully. "Aai now I kasre gatuetbiQg to tellj n- yoa which must go no farther. I am a detective, specially told off for this branch of the business. If Mrs. Grote is proved to be an I. D. B. and arrested, there will be a sub- stantial reward paid. I mean to earn that reward, subject to a share of it to be paid to you for such assistance as you may render me." The detective's proposal mei with no opposition, and before he left the Burchett-s that night be was in poeses&ion of every bit of information they were able to give him. The next day a visit or, whom Anacheo had! never seen before, iaquired for Mrs. Grote, and was shown into a aurious room, the like of which he had never seen before. It seemed to be built right in the centre of the house and was fitted up so handsomely as to sur- prise htm. He sat down on a soft lounge and surveyed the apartment. The walls were almost covered with pictures and drapery, and were intersected by no windows, the place being lighted from above by a very large skylight, which was somewhat closely barred inside. "And no wonder," thought the detectve. "If she keeps ma.nv diamonds here she don't want the place to be too easily robbed." Two doors opened into the room. The detective had entered by one and supposed the other to lead to the bedrooms, which were on the ground floor, the whole house being only one ctorey high. Presently Mrs. Grote came hi and inquired his business. Without much preamble beyond stating that the Kaffir Tom, whom she knew, had told him it was safe to come here, the detective disclosed his ostensible business. He wanted, he said, to sell some fine rough diamonds. Would Mrs. Grote buy them?" There now'ensued a good deal of bargaining, during the course of which Mrs. Grote showed herself to be a good judge of precious stones, as well as being a woman whom if would be difficult to cheat. Finally, to the detective's great joy, she Bought all the diamonds he had with him. Taking them in her hand, she went to her bedroom to fetch the money for them, shut- ting the door behind her with a sharp click. After Mr. Greenacre had waited some time for her return he got uneasy, and began to explore. The door by which he had entered could not be opened. The other one merely led to a pantry containing some eatables. The window it was impossible to reach, and his shouts and knocks produced no answer. When a fall hour after this found him still a I "The next morning a miserable and sad-eyed I individual." I prisoner, he began to tear round the room like a madman. But his struggles, cries, and in- effectual attempts to escape only exhausted him, and afc last he sank back on the couch with the melancholy exclamation: Spoofed! By Jove!" 'The next morning a miserable and sad-eyed individual was liberated from a confinement that had proved very horrible to him, for he had feared that he might be left here to die of starvation. The Kaffir who opened ihe door for him also handed him a note, which ran as foflows: Sir: When next you try to catch an I. D. B. dion't go so clumsily about iu. I was about to leave Kimberley very soon, conceiv- ing myself no longer safe there. Your visit makes it necessary for me to go a few days sooner than I intended. My servant goes with me. Also your fine diamonds, for which you have my thanks. You may have my famiture in payment, as well as the house in which there is so little difficulty in spooling a detective."—Chicago News'.

QUEER TALKING STICKS. There are now in the market scores of walking sticks and riding whips which are made from monkeys' tails, said a London dealer in canes and umbrellas; "these in the rough, mostly coming from Brazil and from certain parts of India, where the natives prepare them for the market. I have seen many a stick which has been made out of the twisted ligaments from the legs of wild ani- mals, and I have one in the shop now. But then I know a stick-maker chemically prepares fix-fax,' which he buys from the butchers, and out of thia he makes beautiful little wliips for cavalry officers. Then there is another kind of stick made from a peculiarly tough fungus, not unlike an ordinary mushroom in the rough state, which comes from Java. The stalk' grows to an immense length, and when the whole thing is properly prepared itl becomes even hard, and can be trimmed and turned as to the head. Paper sticks are coming most strongly into vogue, and very beautiful sticks they axe, besides being absolutely unbreakable by any ordinary means. You see, they can be dyed to any colour, and they turn in a lathe like the finest ivory."

-?--?- A DOLLAR A WORD. OFFERED THE C.O.M. FOR AN ARTICLE ON ARBITRATION. The demand for Mr. Gladstone s writings can be understood by the following reply which he haa jus* sen* to John Brisben Walker, an American iourualist, who offered him Idol. a word for a magazine article of any length. Mr. Gladstone's magazine articles are often from six to ten thousand words in length. His reply was — "Dear Sir,—While I am very sensible of the flattering terms in < mob you have addressed mE:, I have to regret that my work ir! hand is of such a nature as entirely to disable me from undertaking a now engagement.—Your faithful and obedient, W. E. GLADSTONE. "Biarritz, Janoary 21, 1896."

A STRANGE DISCOVERY. A discovery of stolen jewellery has been made by the gardener at a viila at Monte Carlo. "While digging in the garden he came across a parcel, a few inches beneath the sur- face, containing a large number of articles, including a pearl necklace, three gold watches on which initials were engraved, a number of English and American gold coins, a scent- bottle set in brilliants, and a locket containing a iock of hair and a picture of the Virgin. These are supposed to be the proceeds of robberies perpetrated at Moate Carlo recently, in one of which an American lady named I Ward was the victim, or of a burglary at the Villa Waleska about two years ago, when it was tenanted by an American family.

SHIPPING NEWS. Foreign Arrivals and Movements of Xiocal Vessels. S W. Kelly arrived Cartnajrena 29th. Carina left Poti for Rotterdam lilt. ClvHiene passed Dover for UonOOn 2nd. Mary Anaing arrived Aiexwidiia 29th. Moonstone left Huelva for Baltimore 29th. I,a Bfirrouere arrived Oran let. TtedeRW arrived Sables 2nd. Jersey arrived Bilbao 2nd. Bertholey poaeed DungeapM for Antwerp 2nd. Alacrity left St. Maao for Barry Roads 2nd. Dora arrived Baltimore 28th Margaret Jones arrived Novoroosiak from Constanti- nople 29th. Kate B. Janes arrived Marseille* from Barry 29th. Taff arrived Las Palraafl 29th. Doidojjne left Bordeaux for Cardiff 29th. Garonne arrived Bordeaux 2nd. Carlo left Bilbao for Calais 29th. Cairo, of Cardiff, passed Malta, for Sharpness 1st. Radnor left Barry for Bayonne 2Sth. Rhyl arrived Bilbao 2nd. Roes left Bilbao for Briton Ferry 29th Redruth arrived Newport News 2nd. lronopoJaa arrived Norfolk lot. James Tucker arrived Licata 1st. King's Cross paid Pera for Rotterdam 2Sth. Melrose Abbey arrived Havre 2nd. Racine left St Malo for Barry 29th. Ely Rise shrived Dunkirk 2nd. Glendowerarrived Bayonne 29th. Roseland arrived Bilbao 1st. Thor arrived St. Nazaire 29th. Jane left St. Nazaire for BUlbao let White Jacket arrived Port Royalf 29th. Woodfield left Smyrna for NieoOaief 2nd.

LOCAL NEWS ITEMS. T,:NBS LAUNDERED, Curtains Cleaned, Carpets Bef.ten Window*; Cleaned Red Cross Vans and T,:NBS LAUNDERED, Curtains Cleaned, Carpets Bey.4en Window*; Cleaned Red Cross Vans and ladder. Truck.-t to all parte daily.—Cardiff Steam Laundry, Carpet ani Window Cleaning Company, (Limited), Miany-street, Ga'uHaye, Cardiff. Send Post. card. 6396*39

From Far and Near i A COLUMN OF CHAT ON INTSEHFCESTITO SUBJECTS. Items of News and Anecdotes Gleaned for the "Express" from X., S., El, and W. Whether spiders are guided by smell or sight in seeking their prey is a question which haa engaged the attention of Mr. and Mrs. Peckhasa, &nd the result of their investigations lias boa-% published in the "Transactions" of tJie Wisconsin Academy of Sciences- It ap- pears that certain species of spiders can iee 125 oaniiiaetrer, and a moving ooject is visible at a greater distacica. The investigators go sftill farther, asserting that gpwfors can distin- guish colours a-id exarcise discrimination there- upon. It is instructive to notice how many of our prominent literary men are engaged as readers ? woti-known publishing firms. Mr. George Meredith, our foremost novelist, is still asso- c'ated in tiiit, way with Messrs. Chapman and Hall, and Mr. Andrew Lacg's connection with lioragman's nrm is well known. Mr. James Payc is literary adviser to Smith, Elder, and Company, ard Mr. Edmund Gosee act* m a sidilar capacity, we fancy, to Mr. Heinemann's pub'iaftinjr ibouse. Add Mr. Harland of the Bodley Head, Mr. Quiiler Couch, reader for Casseii's, and Mr. Kernaha.m, who kolas a liko position with Meeers. Wajd, Lock and Co., and still the lirfc is far feom complete. The pastor of a peculiar sect, established by a womai some years since in a, Western State of America, had recently the idea of demand- ing that every one of his adult parishioners, 200 in number, should fill in the replies to a set of printed questions as to their exact age, and the number of times they have been mar- ried. This was about three months ago, and all but twenty of bis flock have meekly obeyed their spiritual guide and filled in answers. Those who refused to do so were forbidden to enter the church One of t'he recalcitrants, a ladv, on attempting to go into the building, was dealt a violent blow on the nose by the pastor's wife, a sort of argument not unknown in the annsk of religion- Which is the longest street in London un- broken by a burning? Formerly the answer was given, "Sackville-street, Piccadilly." Allu- sions to Sackville-street have disappeared since a London writer discovered a street at Hox- ton, called Nicholas-street, on Lord Aling- ton's estate* three times the length of the Piccadilly thoroughfa-re; but another street in London is worthy to succeed to the vacant honour of publicity. This is Bennett-street, St. James's, perhaps the shortest thoroughfare a.t the Wes* End, but certainly, for its length, the one that attracts the most road traffic. It contains only eight or nine houses, but from early morning to late night it is the chcsen down-hill "cut" from Piccadilly through A rlington-streeb into the rather steep incline of St. J&mes's-street. The French Government have entrusted to M. Grasset the ta&k of designing an entire series of postage stamps. This has been com- pleted, the patterns have been approved, and orders have been given for the cutting of dies and sll preparations for an early issue. The new stamps have one or two novel fea- tures. The rather insignificant appearance of the present series will be obviated by the employment of a single figure instead of two. This will be the classioally draped female figure represeuting France, holding in one hand a swi.rd and in the other an olive branch. Another innovation ia intended to increase the diffi- culties of forgery. It oonsi.3ts of the scheme of colouring, the colour of the ink and the paper in each case being identical, though, of course, the tones are different. If the horseless carriage does not make head- way in popular favour this year it will not be from want of publicity. Already two exhibi- tions have been arranged in London, and there wirl probably be more. Ore to be tie Id at the Imperial Institute from May 'to August, and will be if c. comprehensive character. The very lates1* developments of motor carriage propelled by the agencies of oil, 8team, electricity, or compressed air wil-1 be shown audi worked, a»s well as the practical application k-i motgrs to tramway cars, locomo- tives, fir* engines, vane, omnibuses, phaetons, cabs, quadricycies, tricycles, and bioycles, carriages of every kind, marine, stationary, and portable motors of every descriptiom, as well as electric and other installations." This is under the auspices of the Motor Car Club; the other is to be held, at the Crystal Palace. 1'he Franco-Russian entente has jusi sus- tained a serious shock. M. Stephanoff. the man ager of the Arcadia Theatre aA St. voters: burg. being anxious to provide his patrons with the latest operatic novelties from Paris, entered imo contracts with a .couple of impresarii, each to send him a company. The dates, however, Bfcem to have clashed, and when AT. Roberval appeared on the scene, with his troupe he found Arcadia already tenanted by 3d. de Glazer a-ud his own bright particular btars. A battle royal ensued, whereupon the police interfered, and with that patriarchal simplicity which charac- terises the Government of the Czar iturned both sets of combatants into the streets and closed the theatre. Up to the present diplo- matic relations between the two countries do not appear to be seriously strained, but the artistes are bringing action- to recover the com- missions paid to the agents who induced them to embark on so disastrous a campaign. The r.otion that a bridge will remain firm for all time if a living being is immured in its foundations is quite prevalent ir Eastern Europe, and the gipsies are generally suspected of stealing children and selling them for this purpose. Not long since, when a bridge was to be built ove*- the Save, near Brecr.ra, m Bosnia, the whole population, Christian and Mohammedan, rose up in arms against a band of gipsies who were camping ill the neigh- bourhood, and would have put them to death had it not been for the energetic intervention of the authorities. The excitement was caused by a rumour that negotiations were going "ti between tite Ije'klge-biriltJers and this vaga- bond folk for the purchase of a child. There is a popular tradition that a bridal pair were wailed up in the old Roman bridge over the Narenta at Mostar, and that the structure owes its strength to this sacrifice. I The 29th of February will noi make another appearance in the calendar unt-d 1904. ALarriage- aibie ladies, should, therefore, make the best of the privileges wiiiieh leap-yeai c«- cures for iutin, tight v ears inuat elapse before they will again have a chance of doing 60. Leap-year does not happen every four years, but only twenty-four tunes in every hundred years. TLhe iast year in the century in wiuon t should iMi i, reckoned as an ortunary y fan', in aruei co adjust tut. calendar to the "process of the suns." It is interesting to Ilut. that when the 29th of ±'ebruary falls, as jt clùt>13 this year, un a Satur- day. the general body of weekly wage-e%me<i* who are paid' on that da-y reoei*« bo payments in the twelve months, instead cn 52. Seeing tha* February 29 happens oniv ?4- times m a century, it ;a hardly surprising that no epoch- making events La.vp yet been associated with it. Moreover only oue distinguished man that we can remember was born on this day Roesani first saw the lignr on February 29, 1797. at Pesaro, where hiS advent was appro- ^riate:/v commeuiorawd on Saturday. Rossini always ^efued to ceiebrate his coming into tlhe world on any other day than February 29, and -at the close of hrs iong life he ut<ed to be fond of saying ..hat he would be twenty years old on his next birth- day. A school of miusio has been founded at his native town under the provisions of his own will, and a performance of his "Messe Sol en- nelle" Wa.3 given there on Saturday under the superintendence of Mascagni. who de the direc- tor of the school.

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OVER THE NUTS AND WINE QUIPS AND CRANKS FROM BOTH HEMI- SPHERES. A Selection of Jokes and Funny Anecdotes for the Mental Recreation of Old and Toung, Teacher (.to class): What is velocity? Bright Youth: Velocity is what a person puts a ho* plate down with. Paddock: Is M issi ELnowitall a) Girton, girl ? Hunter: She ie. Paddock: I thought she was. I heard her aoit if the muzzle of a gun was to prevent it from going off. Father: "What would you advise me to do with my son? His pronunciation is per- fectly terrible. Teacher: Get him a position as porter at a railway station at once. First Woman: I got a letter from you yes- terday, 'but, do you know, it as dated Wednes- day next week ? Second oman There John must have posted it the very day 1 gave it io him. Mr Moneybags (to married' daughter): Of course, everyone eays that Jack married, you for your money. Daughter: Why, father, that's ridiculous! I haven't any money. it all weak topay Jaek'o debtel F:eddy: "Why wont, YQU fight me if you ain't afraid to?" Willy (moving off) '1 ain't afraid, only I ain't, going to have all the boys in the street Hayin' I fought a fellah because I knew I could lick him." Mamma: "What are you doing, Ned?" Ned: "You told me that when I felt angry with you I must count ten." Mamma: "Well?" Ned: "I've oounted seven hundred and thirty-seven, and I'm just as angry as I was before EpicnreB.-Aoton: "As you jure living out in the suburbs, I wish you would tell me some- thing about fowls. What kind of food do they like best?" Enneld "Mine seem to preier the flower seeds my wife plants in the garden." A Cynical Suggestion.—"You will remem- lier," said Talker, ''that; geese once saved Rome." "YOB," replied his bored friend; "but that's no excuse far so many geese cackling nowadays under the impression that they are saving this country." "Shall v/o marry, darling, or thall we knot?" was the short and witty me an ardent lover df-tpatched to the idol of his heart. But, where the strangeness of the matter comes in, the girl replied: "I shall cot. You may do as you phase." ARTTST:—"It's an outrage to have such an ignoramus as Duffield on the bang- ing committiee." FRIEND:—"No judge of art. eh?" ARTIST:.—"He is half an idiot. "Why, sir, he fought my cows were horses." "What is that queer splotch on the face of the ea-th?" £ .sked Apollo. "That?" replied Pegasus, looking down over his shovlder at the remains of the would-be poet. "that is a little thing I tossed off a short time ago in a moment of inspiration." "Have you trouble with your eyes?" &3ked &he cf the ma.-her with the single eyeglass. he replied; "why?" "I see you always wear an eveglas»." "Oh, Yf$,; you see I get very sleepy at turner, and that monocle kcops one eye open anyhow. Konee: What have you raised that young book-keeper's Balary for? Don't you know that the young spenathrift squanders all his salary giving presents to some girl he's infatuated with? Bones: Of cou^e I do. 'I he tprls my daughter. "The Fifth."—"Have vou been saving up for fireworkssaid one small boy. "Yea I have bouglrt nothing I wanted for & month, and I have got sixpence." "You can't get many fireworks for liir.t." "No; but I can get enough to get pa interested." Counsel (for defendant): Would it be con- tempi; or court to say that your honour has pre- sided over this case in a manner which is a <iis £ raoe to the bench ? Judge: Certainly, it would. 1 should commit you at once. Counsel: Then I thall not say it. "Which do you love mo-t—your papa or your mamma. ?" Little Charlie: I love papa most. Charlie's Mother: Why, Charlie, I thought you loved me most? Charlie: Can't help it, mamma. We men have to hold together, "Johnny," screamed his mother, "why are you sitting on your brother's chest? You'll kill him." "I know it," retorted the urchin. "If I let him up hell go swinunin' and be drowned." Young Mrs. Year,-BRIDE: Can you SUET neat any way at all in which 1 can make home more attractive to my husband ? 'Old Mrs*. Mulberry (ta|rtly): You migh(t invite one of your husband's old sweethearts to stay two or three months with you. Haggis: Have you seen much change about Diffgs since his marriage ? Baggs No; &t least, not since his wife got on to the scheme of rifling his pockets before he wakes in the morning. My dear," said Mr. Nubbs to Mrs. Nubbs, what name did I understand you to call the new servant?" Japan," replied Mrs. Nubbs, sweetly. "And, pray, why such an odd name, my dear?" Because she is eo hard on China, love," and the domestic felicity reiiiiained serene. serene. '1 is now the salesman gazes With an inquiring eye, And wondere if ehe's "shopping," Or if she wants to buy. "I wish I owned half that dog of youre," said one neighbour to another, whose dog had an unfortunate trick of attacking strangers. "Half?" said his master; "what could you do with it?" "Why." replied the other, "I'd shoot my half within the next ten minutea." A shoemaker was fitting a customer with a pair of boots, when the buyer observed that he had but one objection to them, which was that the soles were a little too thick. "(f that's all." replied the shoemaker, "put on the boots, and ihe objection will gradually wear away." From early morn, in the gloomy court of the inquisition, a woman lay upon the rack, nor gave a sign of pain. "Thou hast stood much," said her torturer, as he wiped the perspi- ration from his brow. The victim laughed lightly. "Well, sratiher," she returned, ["I nfcver in my life had a dress that wasn't tried on three times before I would accept it." Office Boy: "May I have another pen, sir? Thia one is cross-nibbed." Editor: "What, already! Why, I had this one long before you had yousra, aad it is good now. Do you know what conclusion one should draw from that?" O.B.: "Yes, sir; that I do the most work!" Editor laughs, and generously hands out another .nitv I A bachelor one day set the table in bis lonely abode with plates for himself and an imaginary wife and) fve children. He then sat down to dine, and as he helped himself to food he put ihe same quantity on each of the other plates and surveyed the prospect, at the same time computing the cost. He is still a bachelor. Clerk of the Court: Remember, my good woman, you are on your oath, and must speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Mrs. M'Carbhy: Well, thin, out av politeness I'd kept it to mesilf, but if I must spake the whole truth—sure, thin, ye re the ugliest man I've ivvor sot eyes oat An ossified man died the other day, and the coroner made this record :—"James Wade died of rheumatism of the heart. Found on his person £ ?. in money, a hand-organ, and an invalid chair." With a hand-organ and an invalid chair on his person it is remarkable tha.t the poor fellow didn't succumb before the rheumatism took him. Making Sure.—"You are a chemist and druggist, are you?" "I am." "Been in the business a number of yeara" "I have." Understand your trade thoroughly?" "I do." "Registered?" "Yes, sir "Thai is your cer- tificate hanging over there?" "It is." "Weil, give me twopenny worth ol toothpowder." Explained.—"That man is the constant asso- ciate of thieves, murderers, and villains of ail classes; yet see the respect with which he is treated." "The world bows down too often to such. Ho must have money, or occupies some prominent place, perhaps. "That's just it. You see hes the head warder of the country gaol." Hopeless.—Physician (severely): j. "have nn hesitation in saying, sir, that your wife's nervous fits were occasioned by your staying out so late every night. Witherby; Good gracious, doctor, I didn't know she Ttas suffering from an incurable disease! 'T cay, old chap, what is your opinion of cremation?" Boggins: "Well it may be all right for some people, but for my part I object to being bnrnt twice." fee: Since Folsorae took to bicycling, I suppose he is often seen 0)1 the road? He Yes; I saw him there live timed within a mile the other day. First Lady: jMt look :it Mrs. "Bloomer h trousers and tunics. Her husband hasn't teen buried th^o months, Lnd ii.c used tu be :.0 'down' on rational dross, Seconi Lady: loot but she is very economical, you know, and ?he is to. o-at b.°r jtiu- bando- wardrobe. Mrs. Proudly: Don't you think that Freddy has a wonderful ear for music? Mrs. Blunt man j Yes. a, wonderful eai, ma m. It's sirnpiy inunense. ? y "Can't I interest you in accident insurance to-day ?"' "No, sir; I'm in no need of it." Exousc me; I understood you were learn- ing to piav the vio:in Mrs. Speeler: Vy, Professor, you haven't combed your hair viddin a week. Professor Speeler: Nein, mein frau I hab a publig performance on de piano dis night. "How does Winters manage to keep the wolf from the door?" "He doesn't. He gave violin lessons, but his family said they preferred the wolf." Why time glides so swiftly All history shows, That the reason of this Is by cycles it goes. "So he didn't get a job ?" said the bass drummer to the first violinist.. "Why didn't our boss take him?'" "Becau.se he wasn't any good. Why. the old man said he didn't have snap enough in him to play in a rubber band!" "Do you realiy think one commits a sin to ride a bicycle?" "Well, I've seen bicycle riders who were far from upright. Jinks To-day I pleased a pretty woman by telling her that a certain red-faced, fcnub-nosea, bald-headed mortal looked like her. Winks: Get out. Jirks: The red-faced, snub-nosed, bald- Leaded mortal was her first baby. Miss L. Toe: I hear tlhat the Rev. Mr. Tawker has the cycle mania, and will preach on the wheel next Sunday. I wonder where he will find a text to preach from ? Mr. E. Yett: Probably in the Sermon on the Mount. A *ioHc lord owning a ya<cht Endeavoured to get a prize jx&cht; 'Twixt the cup and' the lip Tinere's many a siip-- Dunraven has fallen & 4dlt. "If I gnre your fsriendi a place," Raid the banker, "he will have to give a guarantee. I suppffo you will be security." "Security! exclaimed the man. "Why, he can be trusted with uncounted milt "Yes; but all the money we have ;s oounted." "AVra!" stid Mrs. Strongmind, as she anc- hor husband sat in one of the Paris cafes listening, ki the baud. "See t/hanR—there is a woman playing in that orchestra. She is gradually getting her rights hero in France, anyhow-" "Thank so?" laughed Mr. Strongmand. "I J dbnt. Ilat women is playing second I fiddle."

KNOWN BY THE CXTRES! Sufferers from Gravel, Lumbtgo, Piles, Pains in the Rick, Dropsy, Wind and Water Complaints, THaeaeee of Kidneys, Bladder, Steae, Sciatica, Rhe". watisyn, and Gout, will find r. positive Oure in Hclroyd's Gravel Pills. Try a email Box, and if nos satisfied your money will be returned. Price Is lid of all Chemists," or pest free for 12 itamps, from Holroyd's Medical Hall, Oleckbeatoa, T orb. Doll 't be put off. If you cannot get them, write the proprietor, tnd & box will be sent next post. RHEUMATIC CURE.—Phil Phillips' "Rheumatic Cure." Sufferers from Rheumatism, Rheumatic Gout, Sciatica, and Neuralgia may Obtain Instant Relief and Certain Cure by Using the Patent Appliances.— Seeks from 10s. 6d. per Pair, Belts from 10*. 6d. t'>>.ch, Wristlets from 5s. per Pair. Send measure- ment*, with remittance, to Phil Phillips, Jeweller, 24. t. MMy-ttree*. Cardiff. <237083 Thousands of Childrcit die annually frasi that terrible disease, UROVJT- All may be Eared by IfiTinjc them Mwtinaer'a Croup Mixture in time. May b? cbuiued of all chemists at h. l £ d. per bottle. (34469 "ADVICE TO MOTHIvRS."—Are you broken in your rest by a sick child suffering with the pain by cutting teeth? Go at once to a chemist and get a bottle of Mrs. Winflow's Soothing Syrup. It Will relieve the poor sufferer immediately. It is plea- sant to teste; it produces natural, quiet sleep by relieving the child from pain, and the little cherub awakes as bright as a button. Of all ohemista, It. lid. per bottle. JE

A Column for Ladies FROM THE KITCHEN TO THE BALL-ROOM. Our Lady Correspondent's Collection of Interesting Paragraphs for The Fair Sex. Xegrexee. The remains of any cold boiled or fried fish will do nicely for this dish if shred finely. Have ready about a breakfast cupful of rice that has been boiled wthout sugar, place it in a. sauce- pan with sn ounce of butter and a boiled egg cut up in shoes, a teaspoonful of mustard, and one or good curry powder, season with salt and a pinch of cayenne papper. Mix well together and then let it get. quite hot. Serve in a Wacill dish, makiag th» tlook rough, Paintod the House in Bloomers. Miss Jdc. MnnJroe, of San SFxancisco, is looked upon bu her neighbours as a kind of heroine because sha performed what she herself considers the very simple feat of painting her mother's house. Her family are in the habit of speaking of her as the "man of the house," and calling upon her to drive nails and fix fences, so when the roof needed painting, and they oould not afford to hire auyone to do it, it seemed i vsi-y natural thing for her to take the task upon herself. She donned her bicycle "bloomers, and says that she enjoyed the work immensely. 1— Boiled Fish and Tomato Sauce. Tie up in a piece of cheesecloth a pound a.nd a half of fre»h codfish, a.nd cook for half an hour in boiling salted water, with just enough hea,t to keep at the boiling point. Take it out, and drain on a plate, remove the cloth, then lay it on a hot dish, and pour over it a pint of tomato sauce, made as follows:—Boil a tin of tinned tomatoes for twenty minutes in en enamelled saucepan, adding a. teaspoonful of salt, then strain through a coarse sieve to remove all the substance of the viegEtable. Season with a half teaspoonful of Worcester- shire sauce, or a. teaspoonful of mushroom ketchup. If is then ready to pour over the fish. Why Kissing is so Pleasant. The reason kissing is so pleasant, eaya an oscillatory exper* of scientific tendencies, is because the teeth, jawbones, and lips are full of noives, and whe:.3 the iips of persons meet an electrio current is generated, a.nd, chips in a facetious contemporary, you don't have to have a dynamo macaire nor a battery in the house no" a call box, nor a button to touch to ring up tha central office, a.nd! there is no patent on it, and the poorest person in the world can enjoy the electric current better than the millionaire, and it never gets out of order. If Edison had invented kissing it would have cost lOOdols. a. year, like the telephone, and then extra. kassing would be charged up extra, and if you didn't pay for it they would take out your kissaphone and disconnect you from the tncoral office. A Vegetable for Dyspeptics. That beautiful a.nd exclusive vegetable, the onion, perhaps you know,is a most desirable one for dyspeptics. It generates no acid, indeed, absorbs it, rather than creates it, ard is most soothing to that gastric hour glass familiarly oalled the stomach, which, in dys- peptios, refuses to expand and contract in an agreeable way. A distinctive charm of an onion is its quick power erf assimilation. It assimi- lates more easily than any other vegetable. An onion properly cooked should have no odour. This may be pleasant intelligence to others than dyspeptics who delight in that vegetal. A Pretty Idea for a Blouse. One of the newest blouses for afternoon or evening wear is of black satin, striped with green silk, the stripes dotted with tiny jet sequins; the sailoi oollar which is very wide, is of green accordion-(pleated chiffon, edged with a full ruche of black chiffon,the pleated high shiffon collar standing up round the back of the neck, and beinjj set in. front into a eequined band. A white, black spotted satin blouse is trimmed across with wide bands of Russian embroidery in red and black, gold thread following the outline of the design, the cuffs and collars of embroidery. Bathiner. Some physicians argue that too much bathing ie injurioua. This may be true in the case of nervous and unhealthy persons, but those in a normal ooiidition need not fear to bathe too Irequently. For the starch bath, ordinary starch is dissolved in a tub of water; a couple of handfuls is sufficient. When the skin is irri- tated, nothing is more soothing than a starch bath, which makes the water look like milk. When salt-baths axe .not practicable, the sea- salt sold in packages is an excellent substitute. Powdered bora.x or soda allowed to dissolve in the bath has admirable clean-: ng properties. The Russian or Turkish bath should be used at least once a week. No one can be very well groomed without it. The steaming pro- cess cleanses the pores thoroughly, and the rubbing and massage render the joints supple. Rheumatic pains are much alleviated by the use of .medicated Turkish baths. Heavy Skirts Unhygienic. Speaking of the folly of the present fashion of weighing oneself down with hea.vy, unwieldy skirts, a. writer on the "Philadelphia Inquirer says: i "Whv that skirt weighs a ton if a.n cunce. It is va.rds around, and the swing, that is so "fascinating upon some other woman you know, now owes its fascinations to the use cf irter- linings of chamois cf haircloth. "T met a sister the other day in a back number skirt. It ^as made of lightweight silk, and it hung as limp as a ra.g. She was stepping along at a brisk gait. I locked at her, then at the weary faced soul in her wake who was desperately clutching at the tail of her gowr to save her oack. "The woman w'lth the heavy skirt fairly crawled, while the sensible party, with cheeks like peonies, skipped over the ground at a glorious pace. Upon my souid J wanted to go up to the woman in the old-style frock a.nd hug her. No doubt she would have been petri- fied with astonishment, and she might have checked my enthusiasm by explaining that lack of funds and not good horse sense kept her in an unfashionable rig. "Promptly I should have congratulated her on the fact of her poverty. If more women were too poor to inaulge in this very unhealthy caprice, a. modish skirt, it would be better for them. A Song. The world was once all sunshine, in the day gone by; It seemed an endless spring-time—need I tell vou why ? For, dearie, you remember what you said to ma When I told my love in whispers, 'neath the old elm tree. old elm tree. A forget-me-not you gave me, of the palest blue, Though that tiny flower soon withered, did the love die, too ? The world soon lost its brightness in the days gone by. It seemed a.n endless darkness—need I tell you why? For, dearie, you remember how you soon for- g°t The plighted word you d given, the forget-me- not. And that little flower, though faded, always speak? of you, Though my fondest hopes were shattered, did the heart break, too ? The world was once all sunshine in the days gone by. 'Twas but a streak of gladness in an angry sky. Yet soon my fears will vanish, and the spring- time come, For you'll learn how true my love was, when my lips are dumb. And though now my eyes are laughing, yet the heart can cry. Still, we never thought 80, dearie, in the days gone by.

HOW TO TAKE OUT PATENTS Many ucaful and novel appliances have from time to time been devised which have not been put to practical use owing to the difficulty experienced by the inventors in ascer- taining how to patent their designs and put the articles upon the market. Weare con- stantly receiving letters from our readers ssking our advice, and, with a view to assisting them in turning their inventions to practical account, have made arrangements for supplying full information on the subject. Any of our readers who desire such information should send a stamped envelope enclosed to the Patent Editor, "Western Mail," Cardiff, by whom it will be handed to a thoroughly trustworthy expert in s-uoh matters, who will reply fully to our correspondents. <13209

THE GREAT BLOOD PURIFIER. JL THOMPSON'S BURDOCK PILLS purify the foullest blood, and relieve every disease of Stomach, Liver, and Kidneys. Pure Blood gives Health. Thou- sands have been cured by tbene wonderful Pill* where disease could not be reacted by any other medicine, Gold by ail Cheratats, in w5ie«, Is. l £ d and 2s. 3d. 1 each./Sent bi rail to aox addreu. *4050 I ? -?-?- I BTTSIJTESS ADDRESSES. '1 '?S???S?M f I f -=- "1' ? •opy«?gK?;i ——— —~i 74, QUEEN ST., CARDIFF DAVID JONES & COMPANY (LIMITED), THE PEOPLE'S POPULAR FOOD PROVIDERS, ARE NOW OFFERING SPECIALLY SELECTED I NEW ZEALAND LAMB, j IN PRIME CONDITION. J ? j NOTE ONLY ADDRESS:- { WESTMINSTER STORES, WHARTON STREET -?—?Hmm?Mtr- "?"1 )! !)! ))! !? PTJBIilO NOTICE*. GRAND FOOTBALL COM PETITION. Jg i'. "i PRIZE OF £5 I EVERY WEEK.—EVERi: W.EEl £ -;J HOW TO WIN lIT. I HOW TO COMPETE. On SATURDAY, MARCH 7, the You must fill up the Coupon underneath following matches will be pIa.) ed follows. CARDIFF V. PENARTH. 1st.—With the Namea of the Teams W" NEWPORT Y. WELLINGTON. you think will win. fcC • 2nd.—With the actual number of poinw SWANSEA V. DL O^ IOR alKi points against the teams you think LLANELLY V. MORRISTON. win. CONSOLATION PDIZE. A Ptize of One Pound Sterling will be given to the Competitor who, failing to win the 16 Prize, comes nearest to the correct result. CONDITIONS. 1.—Forecasts must be made on the Coupon. 2.—As many forecasts may be sent in as desired. ■, 3.—All forecasts must arrive at latest by Twelve midnight every Friday, marked J "Football Competition" on the outside, and addressed the "Evening Express," Cardiff. 4.—The result will be declared in every Monday's iseue of the "Evening faxpress." 5.—Our decision is final. I "EVENING EXPRESS" FOOTBALL COUPON. POINTS POINTS WINNING PROBABLE WINNING TEAM. FOR. AGAINST, POINTS. ■■ 1 V 2 f' f" f.. 'f"" f" .f. ft. f" f" f.. .f. f" f" ,f' f.- .f' f" f. f'" f'- -f' 'f. 'f. f" "f' 'f' .f. 1 3 f" Of." f" f. 8f" t., f" t.f' ft. f" t.. "f. 1 4 ,4. ] V'l 1J i B EECHAM'S PILLS. B EECHAM'S PILLS, BEECHAM'S PILLS. Worth a Guinea a Box. EE CHAM'S PILLS. For Bilious ttacks. EEOHAM'S PILLS For Nervous Disorders. BEECHAM'S PILLS. For Indigestion in all its forms. BEECHAM'S PILLS. For Wind and Pains iu the Stomach. BEECHAM'S PILLS. For Sick Headache. BEECHAM'S PILLS Have Saved the Lives of Thousands. BEECHAM'S PILLS. For Giddiness. EECHAM'S PILLS. B For Fulness and Swelling after Heals. EECHAM'S PILLS Are Worth a Guinea a Box. EECHAM'S PILLS. A Wouderful Medicine for Females of all A? EECHAM'S PILLS Are Adapted for Old and Tounr. SMALL BLOCKS. W ? ? ? E1 ? ?f1 ? < ? ? ? ? U'L 0 Z 00 00 THE BEST. CARDIFF, HOUSEHOLD FUEL > COMPANY (LIMITED), DUMB ALLS-ROAD, Glamorganshire CanaJ. WEEKLY MAIL AND NEWS OF SBJE WGSS. rweiLOjSJB Heitity,, JL TIF1CIAL rjlEETH. j COMPLETE SET. ONK GUIMBA. f SINGLE TOOTH 2s. 6d. f Five Tears' Waaaaty. Prize HedaL f GOODMAN AND CO., 56, QUEEN STREET, and 10, .DUK*' STREET. CARDIFF. f ARTIFICIAL TEETH PAINLESSLY FITTED blI Atmospheric Suctaoa, at one-third their usua* | charges. No extractions necessary, perfect and pejj manent; life-like appearance; special 80TJ PALATES for Tender Gums; perfect for MasticaUotf and Speech COUNTRY PATIENTS SUPPLIED in ONE VISl" ,snd Railway Fare allowed. ( SPECIAL ATTENTION GIVEN TO REPAIRS, | EXTRACTIONS, STOPPINGS, »»■ I TESTIMONIALS. I Dr. ANDREW WILSON (late R.N.) «*ys:-«i recommend Mr. Goodman as a Tery skilful ao £ humane Dentist. His reasonable charges should attract to him all classes." Mr. E. VYSE, of Plaistow, says:—I am yery pleased with the attention I have received from yo< The artificial teeth supplied have given we perfei satisfaction, as a previous set I had from aoothef dentist were by no means comfortable. I am iir debted to Mr. Andrew Wilson, editor of • Health,' fflf' recommending me to your establishment," CONSULTATIONS FREE. SPECIALITY in WHITE ENAMEL and ood FILLINGS, AMERICAN DENTISTRY, and PLATE LESS PALATES. Before entering look for the name- GOODMAN AND CO., 10. DUKE-STRERT, and 56, QUEEN-STREEt. CARDIFF. PONTYPRIDD r 8b, TAFF-STREET (ore* SlamoT f ganshire Bank) ( NEWPORT • 28. HIGH-STREET. i SWANSEA: 15, CASTLE-STREET. Hours: 10 to 8. Consultation Vrm. ——— ESSIONS AND SONS, LIMITED. i k j MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF Timbers, Slates, Joinery, Cement, Chimney-pieO** >, Monuments, Lavatories, Baths, Ranges, Grates, alL Building Materials. PENARTH-ROAD, CARDIFF. | iATgecfc Show Rooau ia Wales. ?. MBBB————————1WMMW———' Printed by tbe Proprietors, Daniel Owen and (Limited), and pub' -d by them at their office*, St Mary-street, OartLu ;at their offioea, Ossfcle Bajr?, street, Swansea; at the shop of Mr. Wesley liams, Bridgend—all in the County of at the "Western Mail" Offices, Newport; atJZ, shop of Mr. J. P. Oaffrey, Monmouth, both ini*?^ 41 County of Monmouth; aod at the shop ot Mt> .ji ieS, LlsneiUy, in tho County of Oaraiartbe*. J'Mm tw-v TUWD&Y, WXXM i.