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OUR SHORT STORY
OUR SHORT STORY COL. SHORT OF TRINITY. Colonel Short, o-f Trinity Centre, had a Hery long name to begin with, but, as he was a wry short man, and, lake all small men. was disposed to make a big showing, the jboye soon found out his weakness, and he was simply "Short" after that. Tiiia obese, rotund, and obtuse man had also & very short memory. He kept a store s«d post-office at Trinity Centre, And had gold enough to buy—but, goodness, this was B..way back in'the fifties. Jones, now Senator Jones, of Nevada, was sheriff of Trinity then, had a pack tram, a share in the store, gold, a share in almost everything all up and down the Trinity rivers, and, next to Col-onel Short, was the best story-teller and most popular liar in the mines. Handsome, too, was Jones, and proud. Give him full credit for all that. He needs it now, the poor, -ich United States senator. Jones could oinch a mule. He says he could work, swing a pick, or ply the shovel. Ataybe he could, but we never saw him try. Perhaps this was only one of his many little ■stories. But cinch a mule You tfbould have seen Senator Jones, of Nevada, cinch a mule the big bell mule. Ah, these were the good old davs when Red Bluffs was the head of navigation, ma the one single, narrow little pack trail to Trinity Centre wad simply an endless, tor- tuora, tiresome, braying, yelling, cursing; moving corkscrew of mule-s and Mexican packers, all knee-deep in dust. Dust on the mules and Mexican driver.?, till all were of th» same colour of clay; dust on the wnglm, dust in the .beans, and I do believe some duet got into the sugar mats, too. There vvu. a Frenchman, and the French- man had wife, and the wife had a garden all full of old prospect holes—holes m de-»p 2nd dark a? sin. The two didn't get on very wet!, and, one dark and stormy ni^Ufr the man, half-drum: at the time, Colonel Snort said, disappeared. He had been last seen in the garden of dark and deep holes. The water was booming over the whole place by rooming, and, as it abated, the poor, lorn French widow went from one prospect hole to aaothsr, and wept and wept. She could not decide in which one of the three deepest holes her husband was buried, iWW st) she planted flowers and shed tears one copiously each day. This touched the heart of Colonel Short, and as she, like all good Frenchwomen, was a good vook, he furnished supplies, and she set -tp e- little resort, or restaurant, which soon <> csine the very heart of booming and beauti- ful Trinity Centre. It was there thai all the high-toned and first-class poker games were played. It wa. there that Sheriff Jones and Colonel Short told their most brilliant talcn, a»d^ "were wont to set the table in a roar. And so it was that the widow prospered amazingly; but she did not forget her buried lord in the vegetable garden, or neglect the triangle of possible or probable graves. So ia: from that, she went to Shasta City with her very first money, and ordereed" three marble tombstones. It looked odd. t-has triangle of tearful tombs, to Sheriff Jones ill tha.t pretty garden down the sloping hill beyond tne fesSive door, and he told the widow so in the gentlest terms possible Inere were likewise many other men in Trinity Centre, miisuhievous pejsoua, and cleariy not of the aristocracy, but voteI: wno did not Like this profuse display of tombstones, and Jones threw himself at their head, and once more made solemn pro- test with the widow. "Tins three-cornered grief, madam," Ac >ajd| "ne ha stirred a spoonful of sand and Kanaka sugar in his whisky, "may cj acute, a ^ort of acute triangle, as *it were but one don't like it spread all over creation' f(:r bieakfast and dinner and 3upper." She did not quite comprehend, and, to make himself clear, he said, still more solemnly and slowly, as he stirred up the sand, slid took a swallow:—• "Maoam, the square described on the hy- pothenuse of a right-angled triangle its equal to the sum of the squares described (.n the other two sides therefore, why not focus These terrible and mysterious new words convinced her. In the" dim, poetical, and dreamful twilight of that afternoon she end the obese, obtu.se and rotund partner of Sheriff Jones, Colonel Short, silently and solemnly carried two of the tombstones into the little restaurant. Fancy the dismay and horro- ot Jones on discovering, after a hurried breakfast next morning, that lw. had ta-len his meal on a m-rbic tabif- a tombstone upside down He simplv roared at the obese, obtuse •>nort wlii'a he got back to the store, and bold him he could have the widow, tombstones and xll, entirely to himseif. thereafter and for ever Th0 tombstones vere carried into an old shed. hl1'j they had aheady created a coolness bet teen the two tfcat never to tihis day has quite thawoi out. ? Some of the custom fell off, too, and there were those whu hinted that the spouse was not dear; at all, not withstanding this profusion of tombstones, but had picked up Be hpt a store and post-office. I a big nugget in China Gsanp gulih, while jrou !i»g through the chaparral with hie shot, gun in quest of jack-rabbits, md h.t-u gon-j to Frisco bo have a good time. Years ao year3 rolled gently and swiftiv along. Jones and many good men went away the, pack trains went; stores, fre*gut wagonc, immigrant wagons, women, all tl.ese things came, and still the pla»tonic and oirouLe Colonel and the pretty widow stayed. The Colonel ha/1 become a doctor—do en; or or" both law and medicine. He performed all the marriages, aid, in cases where he thought the tie uot quite so fast as the Gordiaa knot;, he kindly decreed an occasional divorce, jnsi; to tMige. In medic-ine he never loet a ca-se. This, perhaps, was due to the good French coo kin the pure water, and the fine air, as much as anything else, for he rarely administered mediaines. Stop a minute. Let it be ex- plained that there was, most likely. one fieath. but hear the facte, amd you will hardly blame his want of skill, but rather mis want of memojy, for this one fatal ter- mination. The patient was a poor leprous loafer, repulsive from sore* and want of soap, and also sadly in love with the widow. Colonel Dr. Judge Short believed in simple remedies. He nearly always, for example, applied moist, I clean earth to all sorts of bruises and broken limbs, and with marvellous results. And to ■;how How nearly right he wae in hris primi- tive method, let it be mentioned that the French turgeons of the army used this iimple remedy continually in their late great war. Thta most retmarfcable Judge of Trinitv reasoned tibat if a Httle earth will heal a EttIe trruise or break, a lot of earth ought to heal a lot of big sores as well, and so he had a pit dug away up the hillside, and one pleasarrt twilight stood the man in there with ttie dirt packed tightly in about Him up to hiis very chan. He wanted a drink then. the poor leprous and soapless loafer. amd so the generous widow went to her restanrarnt. returned. got down to him on her hands and knees, and filled him half fall. of. giu. It had been hot wotk in the sun, and so the men drank heartily ail around of what was left, drank twice three to his good health. Then they filled his mouth with tobacco, put a lighted clay pipe in Irks teeth, and, as the long, dark shadows of the lordly pin: trees came down over the kindly and humane group of sympathisers I with the poor fellow, they, one by one, melted a, way down to the common centre, the widow's tables. The doctor was ti# last to leave. He could not feel the pattent's pulse, but he got down on his hand's and knees, as the widow had done, and took a good look at his tongue. As he arose and brushed the pint quills and fresh, «weet earth from his knees. he heard the howl of the wolf far away on the wooded mountain top, and, knowing how timid was the widow, he hastened down to where s'he stood waiting and took her home to where the hungry and merry crowd was already waiting for supper and the usual game of poker after. There had been a big "find" that day, and I so the game was unusually steep, prolonged, and absorbing. Besides 'that there was a I I A-hilf drowned Chinaman had returned. I sensation. A half-drowned China-man, one of s;x who had suddenly disappeared a few days before, taking one of their number in a handcart, fast on his back with innumerable broken bones, so they ;;a.id" had returned True, tluey had not called in "doctor" with his earth and other simple remedies, but they had ta-ken pains to t^ll everybody that they were in great haste to get the dying man, who had been crushed in a landslide, out of the mountains before lie died. The stage driver had remembered that when he met the little party near Shasta City they had a yellow flag displayed above tlifc cart, indicating small-pox. Well, the story now was that the hand- cart had held the biggest nugget in it that had ever been seen in the light cf day in California. besides a lot of other and smaller nuggets. all taken the week before from China Canip Creek, near town. The half-drowned Chinaman had begged his way back from where he had scrambled out from the overturned canotC in the Sacramento River. leaving his dead companions, and now was compelled to tell the truth to the magi- strate in the hope of getting back his abandoned claim and cabin; a hopeless hope. But the sensation of sensations took place next morning at about daylight, when the great poker game was a,t high-water mark. The lost Frenchman, the man who once had three tombstones when he was net even entitled to so much as one, walked ;.ii, sot down in a corner with a shot-gun on hi? lap, and waited, but waited not long, to see that crowd melt into thin air. Jones had long since gone far, far away; had become Senator, a cri-kat and greatly honoured United States Senator. Colonel Short was a man of resources, when not blinded by the little blind bov in hi.3 purs plaitonic lov* He did not wait to see the crowd go. 'He set a virtuous example, and was first to leave. He had business at his store. Later, as thf grey dawn came, the late widow saw that he was burning at least two candles, and. maybe, many letters. The stage left at sunrise each morning. A mile from Trinitv Centre, in the midst of a cloud of dust, the horses were thrown back on their haunches and a man clambered up without a word and took his place with the drive, Certainly, Senator Jones would give his old "pard'' of poker and Trinity a great place. The country needed him abroad, and abroad he needed the country. Did you ever know a man go to Jones and get the promise of a place? Or. rather, did you ever know a mm who didn't go to Jones and get the promise of a place? One year, two years, five years, ten. fifteen. Short grew short in every sense. Possibly he was as tall a.s ever, but he seemed only about half his usual height and twice his usual thickness. He had thouarht he could play poker. It cost him much to find out that he aid not know the first thing al>out that delusive chimera. He had believed he knew a little bit about politics. Firteeen years taught him he knew less even about politics than about poker. At last, driven desperate by disappoint- ments. he made an open quarrel and protest with Jones. Jones blaudlv referred him to the Civil S ervice Examination Committee. "Me ■' nie Hell and blazes Did Bava^d have to put up with that Civil Service examination?" At last word came tha-t the .ubiquitous Frenchman had kindly laid aside his shot- gun and consented, so far a,s he could con- sent. to let the tombstone still standing in the garden, with some alterations of dates, record his many and manly virtues. "Jones is not a bad man. except that he is such a dreadful liar about offices," sa'd the retiring colonel at the palace as he drew o.ut the little check from a Washington letter. with the Senator's name attached. "Yes. hoys," he cried to some old cronies, "back- goin' for old Trinity. By George. I can sr-e the stately old) sugpr pines nodding their plumes to welcome nve. I can see the rabbits dancing in the dusty road as the partridife whistles at sundown from the chaparral hill for him to dance. I can see the large-evei timid deer step daintily out in the' dusty stage road and look up and down, and then passed across unharmed. I can hear the rustle of the cool, sweet waters over the cobblestones and sands of gold; and I am going to get gold, gold. gold. as of old. Come along with nH', boys! Why, bless rre! It used to oost a month to get there, and all sorfcs of triaJs and privations, while now we can go in no time, live on nothing, and be like lord's as of old. Same skies. same mountains, same rivers, same sweet air and spicy smell of wood and carpet of pine quills. Glad I didn't get a place after all. We will open, the old China Camp Creek with a grand sluice We will—goodness what will w.e not do?" And so the little fat Colonel Short pulled together a few of his old companions. They, too, thought the mines of old Trinity still the sweetest, healthiest, dearest place on earth, and so had only wanted a leader and some one to "pull up a stake. And what a happy, hilarious old party ii wa,s that trundled out of Redding in the old stage drawn by the six dustv old horses. Thtv chatted of the widow and her waste of tombstones. The merriest stageful and stagetopful of old boys that the world ever saw or lieard of. At Trinity Crossing they saw little farms on either hand, and fruit trees laden with rosy apples. Pretty girls, rosy as the ripe, red fruit, stood out on the low, vine-covered porches, and showed their prktty teeth with pleasure, as the old heads bowed and bobbed, and hats went high in the air in happy salutation. Too old fco be scandalised now, the two rotund miners reached out in the wondrous moonlight that poured a path of silver down the hill for them to walk upon. They ascended towards the great sugar pines that had oast their lordly shadows over them that last twilight when they had been together in Trinity Centre. As they approached the spot where they had left the man buried to tlie chin, with a pipe in his teeth, the colonel seemed to re- member, and suddenly asked, as if for the first time- some dreadful idea had come to his obtnise mind. "Did—did he get well?" "Mon Dieu! Mom D;eu! I no bin see he He no bin see me 1" The colonel groaned. He fell on his knees at the spot. There was a little depression in the ground—n foot or two of soft. sweet- smelling pine quills. That was all. He Mt about in the leaves a little—for the bowl of the pipe. maybe—but soon he rose up, cheerfully brushed his knees with his two hands, and afI they sauntered back to the "French restaurant"' he proved to the widow that the man had, of course, got well and got out, for as he fasted and convalesced he, naturally, grew very thin, and so, of course, crept out as beautifully as a butterfly from the chrysalis. And she believed it. indeed, so did lie, for, in fact, it is quite possible, although it is said by the miners that the •wolves ate his head on the first niisjit.
From Near and Far
From Near and Far A COLUMN OF CHAT IN INTERESTING TOPICS. A curious rumour has got abroad! tliat the authorities of rhe Mint are oalling in the new bronze pennies, from the design of which the ship and lighthouse, which so long figured on this coifjajjd, have disappeared. There is, how- ever, no foundation for this. A fashion would seem to be growing among ladies in Liverpool, that of carrying dainty walkings-ticks. There may be soon amongst them such rivalry in the aoconrplislued conduct of a clouded cane as that wh'ch was so keen amongst the dandies of the eighteenth century. Everyone will L«e glad to hear that reports recently current as to the state of the health of Mr. Jfrchibald Forbes were exaggerated. He suffers in health, as for some years past he has suffered, in the winter aeason. But he is not worse than usual, and is able to continue his literary work. A graduated tea-cup, intended to be used for measuring the dry tea before putting it in the pot, has been placed :n the market. It is made in silver plate, in silver, a.nd in aluminium. The cup is formed in tiers; the first holding just enough of tea, for one cup, the second for two, and so Oill. The inventor, who, we are told, is a lady artist, stems to have ignored the fact that the quantity to be used mud depend upon the quality. A journalistic departure has been made by a. new illustrated Spanish paper, hlCh costs the modest sum of twopence-halfpenny. It is printed on linen, and the idea of the innova- tion is not that the jourinal may be practically indastructitble, and may, therefore, serve as a picture-boak for the youngsters when their parents have done with it, but that it may be washed end afterwards used as a pocket-hand- kerchief. According to the "Athenaeum," which quotes the news from Continental papers, the Portu- guese Government has decided, at the sugges- tion of the Geographical Society of Lisbon, on celebrating in 1897 the 400th anniversary of Vasco da Gama's expedition for the discovery of a southern parage to India. That memorable expedition, which was fitted out by Manuel the Fortunate with four vessels manned by 160 men, started' in 14-97 cut July 8, and it is in- tended to open on that day next year an ex- hibition in connection with the national cele- bra.tion. The Late Mr. William Boyne spent upwards of 60 years in collecting more than 30,000 coins. These are all to be sold at Sotheby's in two batches. First come the Greek, Romajti, Byzan- tine, and) English coins and medals, ten days being occ upied by their sale; and the foreign series, whidh Mr. Boyne, a Leeds man who spent many years aibroad. collected, is to be offered by auction later in the season. This is the biggest and most interesting collection ever brought under the hammer, and the catalogue for only the first ten days' lots consists of 155 closely printed pages! The other day. according to a San Fran- I cisco paper, Mr. Rudyard Kipling was travel- ling by rail, when two fellow-travelders, having exhausted such topics as the weather, stairted to criticise Mr. Kipling's latest book, and then to discuss Mr. Kiplimg himself. One of them observed that he knew Mr. Kipling very in- timately, and when questioned ag to what he ivii like described him as being tall, fair, good-looking, and very affable. Just then Mr. Kipling joined in the conversation, and asked K; p?. 1 the gentleman if he didn't think that Mr. Kip- ling drank just a little too murh. whereupon the gentleman -aid tfhat he thought Mr. Kiplng d.d raise his elbow a little too often, but, cf course, he wasn't going to say anything against a personal friend of his. Mr. Kipling enjoyed the joke hugely, and as he left the carriage handed his critics one of his visiting cards. Larks are brought into the London market in eaclcs, and sold by the bushel, at the rate of 10,000 per diem at least. Numbers of linnets, -av the butchers, being indistinguishable from larks, are ->cauered through the sacks. Cold comfort- this, and the bird-lover will laugh at the "nidistingui-hable" similarity. No, the cannot outlive this havoc. It is useless to rely on "the fecundity" of the bird, the fact being that in a favourable season two broods are batched, each containing four or five chicks; and man is not the only destroyer. The carrion crow, the kestrel, the sparrow-hawk, and in Scot-land the polecat come to these nests for their da.ily meals. In vain is the sur- lounding yellow grass imitated in the long dun hairs of the young one- the shrewd shrike penetrates through the disguise and pounces on its victim. Nor can our silenced and deso- lated meadows be replenished by migration from abroad. Round Dieppe and Leipsic, t » fcaka two examples only, the same work of annihilation goes on. From cne wh-, was once staying at San- dringham when Mr. Gladstone was likewise guest come the following little o-necdote, which appears in the "Gentlewoman":—"Somehow Mr. Gladstone was a terrifying audience in the quiec little Sandringham Church. Even tie village tradesman who piayed the organ, after the usual country custom, and who might have been supposed to have never heard of .such a person, was overwhelmed with confusion in Mr. Gladstone's presence. The instrument ran riot a.nd go;, worse and worse, and the poor r. Mi goc more ar.d more neivous -Kr.en thf organ began to groan in the prayers, und vouldr.'t go on in the hymns; whilst even the good-na-tureel Prince wwcec! wrathful, and a-fter- ward, declared that ho had Iwid enough of native talent. The Princcss and the then vicar discussed ths matter together, and agreed thai it 'wouldn't be quite kind to -end h'm away iii suce a hurry and hurt his fceiings, wheo. b^ had do-no nothing wrong,' and the two con- cocted a benevolent little scheme for keeping him on for a time. hoping 'perhaps he woold improve, and be allowed to stay altogether.
imritY LANE THEATRE.
imritY LANE THEATRE. HERE IS A COPY OF THE FIRST PLAY BILL. I The following is a copy of the first play- bill which announced the opening of the first theatre that was erected in Drury-lane. It is curious (savs the "Golden Penny"), not only in showing the increase in the price* of admis- sion since that period, but the different time at which dramatic representations commenced. It should be observed that no farces were per- formed in those clays By His Majesty's Company of Comedians, AT THE NEW THEATRE IN DRURY- LANE, THIS DAY, BEING THURSDAY, APRIL 8th, 1663, Will be acted a Comedy called "THE HOMOROCS LIEUTENANT." The King .Mr. Wintersall. Demetrius Mr. Hart. Seleviva Mr. Burt. Leontius .Major Mahon. Lieutenant Mr. Cloiu Celia Mrs. Marshall. The play will begin at three o'clock exactly. Boxes, 4-s. Pit. 2s. 6d. Middle Gallery, Is. 6d. Upper Gallery, k
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Over the Nuts and Wine
Over the Nuts and Wine QUIPS AND CRANKS FH031 BOTH HEMISPHERES. A Selection of Jokes and Funny Anec- dotes for the Mental Recreation of Old and Youngr. GOT AN INVITATION. Philadelphia Miss: Who v.as your grand- father Denver Miss: James Jims, Esq., P. P. P. U. Philadelphia -Miss (dazed): We should be de- lighted to have you vwit us. Please don't neglect us if you ever come to our city. Good- bye. DenveT Miss (shortly aftPTwardte): Well, Mr. Interrogation Point, what do you want to know ? Littli Brother: What do the letters P. P. P. U. ctaiid for? Denver Micis: Professional perambulating propeller of unicycles! Little Brother: WOO\! What does Ithat mean 7 Denver Miss: It means a man who pushes a wheelbarrow for a dollar a day. HIS SUSPICION. "Mabel," said her father, after Mr. Stalate had left just in time to catch ihe last car, "tint young man owns stook in the g-a8 company, does he not ?" "Yes." "And he is ;dso heavily interested in the coal trade?" "I believe so." "Well, lere.-ifter he must bo reminded that his departure is due at t.en p.m. I am con- vinced that his devotion to you ia not disinte- rested." MRS. M KEXNA: We ought to be thankful, dear that we were not born Welshwomen. 'I? MRS N AG SOME: Yes, love; but why in particular? iERS. M'KENNA: Why, look at the length of the words in the Welflh language. It wouid take one near.y ha,:f a minute to get through some of them. I am -uie when M'Kenna comes in late, ;f I had to speak to him in Welsh he would be asleep before I could tell hum ha,jf my mind. I COULDN'T FOOL HIM. I He was standing in front of a theatre and surveying the building with seeming interest when a pedestrian halted to inquire iif he was locking for th? box office. "Well, I dunno," was the reply. "What's going on in there?" "It's the regular drama. "Anything like a circus?" "all, no. You've bet-n to the theatre, haven't ycu?" "Mebba. I've been around s. heap." "Well, then, you know what it is." "Any bareback riding?" "Not" "Anybody jump through hoops of fire?" 'Nu. Offer anybody lOdols. to ride a bucking mule ?" "I think not. You'd better go in and see. There s a matinee this afternoon." "V\ hat's that—side-show or museum?'' The other laughed and made no reply, and the ctranger bristled up and exc.la.imed "I'm o.n to you, old fellow, bigger'n a horfe! You're a bunco-steerer, and you thought you'd run up agin a. hayseed, but you just walk on or I'll lay you out cold-er'n a bum-door hinge in Jaauary ATLAS. Atlas? Atlas queried Mr. Hungry Hig- gins, looking up :n a puzzled way from his last month's paper. "Who is Atlas?" "He was the feller that carried the earth on his bacK," Mr. VVeary Watkins explained. "Earth on his back? Hmh! We are them kind of fellers ourselves." He: "I love you devotedly. I cannot I love without you return my love." I She: "I do. I have no use for it." J -?- I INTERESTING, BUT NOT SATISFAC- TORY. "Now, look pleasant, please," and the photo- grapher smiled by way of uiiccfxragemen'c, "and look right in here." He aimed his finger at the muzzle of his camera, grasped the bulb that worked the shut- ter, glanced at The skylight, and then squeezed. When he glanced round to see hov the subject had stood the ordeal he found the old lady bending down and peering into the camera. "I can't see nothing," she declared. "\V ell, what did you expect to see?" "I don't know. You told me to look in there, and I thought you had something into. resting." "Well, I guess I have. Wait till I develop this plate." When he brought out the old lady's smiling I face splattered all over the plate she declared "That is interesting, but 1 don't hardly con- sider it a good likeness. Do you 1" THE FEE. "Kind sir," said the wayfarer, "if you will add five cents tc the dime I already possess, I will go smd get a meal, the first I have had in three days." "If you have a dime, why don't you go apd get something to eat with that?" "All, sir, I require that to fee the waiter with." IN GODD CIRCUMSTANCES. Neighbour: What beautiful hens you ha\e, Mrs. Stuckup. Mrs. Stuckup: Yes; they are all imported fowls. Neighbour: You don't tell me w! I sup- pose they lay eggs every day? Mrs. Stuckup (proudly): They could do so if they saw proper, but our circumstances are such that my hens are not required to lay eggs every day. AWKWARD—VERY. A well-known Brighton dandy, who shall be nameless, and who is dreadfully absent-minded, sat down in the M Hotel the other day, and asked tlu waiter for a cup of coffee. By-and- bye somebody came along and held out his hand, and the gentleman put into it a half-sovereign. Presently the waiter came for the coffee monev. "My dear fellah," said the dandy, "I have given you a, half-sovereign, and you haven't brought the change." "Beg pardon, sir," said the waiter; "but you must have given the money to the man who was collecting for the musio outside." And then the orgaa played again; but, oh, such a long way off. THE TEST. A miser had died very suddenly. The doctor who was called in to certify his death ap- peared to have his doubts about the oase. "Place a ten-mark piece in his hand," said the old housekeeper of the deceased. "If he doesn't giasp it, you may safely make out the order for his burial." NO GO. Ragson Tatters: Talk about hard luck, if I oidn't git it prope. Rollingstone Nomoss What waz da,t? Ragsori Tatters: Why, I swijied a diamon' necklace, p,n' a'ter ail me trouble I foum' it be- longed to a actress. NOT IN THE EXTRAS. "1 want to pay this bill," he said to the hotel clerk; "but I think you have made a siighfc error here in my favour. I've been reading over the extras, and I cannot find you have charged me anything for telling me you thought it might rain." "My man ba-sn't touched a drop fer a week." "Yis, Oi heered: thot Casey stopped his credit." (And then the fight began.)
EVERYBODY'S GIRL.
EVERYBODY'S GIRL. There is a type of girl that' everybody likes. Nobody can toll exactly why, but after you have met her you turn away to some other woman. and you say, "Don't you like Miss So-and-so?" Now, the reason you like her is a subtle one; without knowing all ubout her, you feel just the sort of girl she is. She is the gir;- who is not "too hright and gocd" to be able to find joy and pleasure all over the world. She is the girl who appreciates the fact that she cannot always have the first choice of every- thing in the world. She is the girl who is not aggressive and does not find joy trci inciting aggressive people. She is the girl who haa tact enough not to say the very thing that will cause the skeleton in her friend's dloset to rattle his bones. She is the girl who, whether it w warnri or oold. clear or stormy, finds mo fault with the weather. Sheie tihe girl who, when you invite her anywhere, compliments you by looking her ibest. And, by the bye, when you oome to tihmik of it, ism't she the girl who makes you feel she likes you, and, there- fore, you fluke her?
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"ADVICE TO MOTHERS."—Are you broken in ycur rest by a tick child suffering With the pain by cutting teeth? Go at once to a chemist and get a bottle of Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup. It will relieve the poor sufferer immediately. It is plea- sant to taste; it produces natural, quiet sleep by relieving t'ie child from pain, and the little cherub awaken bright all a button. Of all chemists, 18. l £ d. per bottle.. tfE RHEUMATIC CURE.-Phil Philline' "Phoumatic Ctire." Sufferers from Rheumatism, Rheumatic Gout, Scistiea and Neuralyi* may Obtain Instent Relief and Certain Cure by Using the Patent Appliances.- Socks from 10s fd. per Pair. Belts from 10s. H each. Wristlets from 5s. per Pair. Send measure- ment. with remittance, to Phil Phillips. Jeweller, 24, 6t. Maij-strcet, OwOift -Q
| "ORL I HAVE."
"ORL I HAVE." "The worldi is more charitable than many people are disposed to think," said the secre- tary of a large London hospital recently to a wiiter. "We sometimes have queer proofs of this in our collecting boxes. In addition to the money and the buttons—for we find a great rumber of the latter—we glet many other things, some of which prove of value. Old coins, cerri- ficates of shares in various companies, a th n silver chain, and a pair of small gold earr-ings may be taken as samples of the miscellaneous contributions. A box from the East End dis- trict oojitained a very pathetic offering. It was a tiny silver locket, which had evidently suffered rough usage in being forced into the box. Accompanying it was a scrap of dirty paper, on which waa scrawlied, in a ohild's hand- writing, 'I gives mi lokit<orl I 'ave for getting muther wel.' 1
Advertising
An Australian physician claims to have in- vented an artificial larynx, which will restore his voice to a man who has lost it. The mechan- i ism can be regulated to give a jierson a bass, tenor, contralto, or treble voice at will. RHEUMATIC CURE.—Phil Phillips' Rheumatic Cure." Sufferers from Rheumatism, Rheumatic Gout, Sciatica, and Neuralgia may Oh'wn Instant Relief and Certain Cure by Using the Patent Appliances.— ] Socks from 10s. 6d. per Pair. Belts from 10B. fx), each, WrietlfcOs from 5s. per Pair. Send measure* 1 ments, with remittance, to Phil Phillips, Jeweller, 24, St. Mary-street, Cardiff. e37082 The prisons in Connecticut are in an over- crowded condition, as a result of the recent < crusade on t'he tramps i n that state. For the past quarter of a century there has been one continuous flow of letters bearing testimony to the truly wonderful cures effected tj Clarke's World-famed Rjod Mixture, "the finest Blood Puri- fier that science and medical skill have brought to light." Sufferers from Scrofula, Scurvy, ■Sczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples and Sores of any kind are solicited to give it a trial to test ite value. Sold everywhere, at 2s. 9d. per bottle. beware of worthless imitations ziid luhltitu-
Social and Personal
Social and Personal INTERESTING PAKS ABOUT INTERESTING PEOPLE. A Column of Gossip and Chatter to to be Read by Our Readers Old and Young. When neither watching his horses gallop at Newmarket nor writing passionate letters about Armenia, Lord Rosebery appears to be spend- ing a goodl portion of his leisure in second- hand) book-shops. No pecuniary loss has been entailed on Mr. Rhodes by the resignation of the Cape Pre- miership. Mr. Rhodes sat in the Cabinet with- out a portfolio, and' had accordingly no office. In the Cape Constitution, unlike our own, tlie position of Premier is recognised. The Pre- miership was always held, before Mr. Rhodes's acceptance at the position, with a Cabinet office, and the Premier received an additional sum of £300 over his official salary. This sum Mr. Rhodes has never accepted, so in his case the Premiership was purely honorary. Madame Patti says that the reason that she has kept her youthful looks is because she never loses her teni/per andl keeps to regular hours. "No woman," she remarks, "can keep young who often loses her temper. When I feel that my temper is getting the better of me I always get up and leave the room. The health of the Czarewitch cannot be so serious as reports make out. News l'omes from Monte Carlo that he is learning to ride the bicycle! And this is a man. who was said the other day to be at death's door. The Queen of Spain was a constant attendant at the performances given by Su.rah Bernhardt at Madrid. Her Majesty also received lu?r privately at the palace for an hour, and then inhted her to a speoial reception. A Parisian journal announces that the ser- vices of Sir Augustus Harris ha.ve been suit- ably acknowledged by The Queen, whe hiw decided to give him a Colonial Governorship. The meaning of this might be considered un- complimentary. Our "new" girls and revolting daughters are evidently being quite outdone by tli>s maidens of Berlin. The Gretcliens and Annas of the Genucapital have taken a leaf out of the amusement book of the lively Teutonic Lmversity students, who regard it almost as their bounden duty to regularly meet together to drink beer unstintingly and sing songs at the top of tlieiir voices. The "sweet girl graduates" of Berlin have in- stituted similar festivities among themselves. But they have drawn the line at the b -er- halle. It is in their favourite bun-shop that they meet; and here, as they quaff chocolate, they sing their songs and make merry, more or less after the fashion of Carl and Hdn- rich. Rudyard Kipbng does not believe in rail- way advertising. He declares that the route along the London and South-Western Rail- way is, in consequence of the be-plasttring of stations with every piece of information in the world except the names of the stations, from end to end like an Army and Navy Store list iu a nightmare." The girls of the John Hopkins University in the States wear their gowns and mortar boards very jauntily. They did not adopt them at all until they were convinced that they would be becoming. The way the tassel is worn indicates the class. The Freshman tassel is worn in front to the fight. The Sophomore tassel is worn back to the right. The Junior has the left of the; back, and) this Senior the left of the front. Another novelist has turned playwright. Mr. C. J. Mansford', who wrote a startling series of Oriental tales, entitled "Shafts From an Eastern Quiver," has written a play, and has submitted it to the consider- ation of the Shaftesbury management. It may be remembered that the novelist, Mr. R. S. Hichens. is part author of The Wife of a Genius," the comedy which may succeed A Woman's Reason," while one of the collabor- ators upon the play. Air. F. C. Phillijps, is best known by his novel, "As in a Looking Glass." The great undertaking at Ostend which is due to the action of Colons. North will be completed in tliree years. The improvements I extend as far as Mariakerke, which is at present amid the sandy dunes. The luxurious hotel will contain live hundred rooms, there will be a theatre attached to the Casino, and there is room for 600 villa* along the coast line acquired by Colonel North and his associates. It is said that the project in- cludes a new line of steamers between London and Ostend, which it is evidently intended shall be a handy Monte Carlo. A newspaper gossip was told the other day, in all seriousness, by one w'ho declared that the news came from a visitor to Hawarden shortly before Mi". Gladstone's departure for Biamtz, that the Grand Old Man has been so immensely interested by the growth of the bicycle craze, that only his impaired sight has deterred him, he declares, from mastering the "machine" himself J The "Pelican" says: "One has heard so many ridiculous reports as to the vastness of tlif salary Miss Dorothea Baird receives for playing Trilby" so excellently at the Hay- market Theatre that I should just like to silence that lying dame, Rumour, by stating the fact that Mr. Tree 'has secured the services of the lady for a period of three years at the rate of JB500 a-year." < The young Crown Princess of Roumania, who charmed everyone during her visit to England last summer, is beautiful, apart from the compliment due to Royalty. She is the daughter and second child of tli £ Duke and Duchess of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, and was born at East well Park on October 29, 1875, when they were still known as the Dfuke and I Duchees of Edinburgh. Good Heavens, we men must be getting vainer than any vain woman! Why, there are actually fashions in braces now-a-days. "The changes," says the fashion man of 'To-day," "are necessarily more or less limited, but my readers may be interested j to know that the very latest thing is a coloured silk hraot—in a beautiful blue or deep pink. It is almost a pity they cannot be worn outside the waistcoat." 1 The Emperor of Germany is very unpopular with most of the members of our own Royal Family, writes a well-informed oorrespon- dent. The Prince of Wales and the Duke of York never speaks to him except when lit is I ibsohitely necessary. It is well-known that 1 he Princs disapproved of the attitude of the young Kaiser towards his mother, the Dowa- ger Empress. The only member of the Royal Family who is at all on friendly terms with the German Emperor is the Duke" of Coburg. '—————?———'?'——M-f——t
Advertising
>XE MOMENT, PLEASE! 1 Sufferers from Gravel, Piles, PaillS iD the Back, Dropsy, Wind and Water C.ompla.inl6, Disease* of Kidneys, Bladder, Stone, Sciatica, Kheu- aiatium, anl1 Gout. will find c. positive Cure in Hclroyd's Gravel Pills. Try a tmali Box, anil if not satisfied your money will be rctUl11ed, Pric6 Is. lid of all Chemiiste, or pest free for 12 stamps, from Halroyd's Medical Hall, deckheaton, forks, Don't bo put off. If you cannot g>>.t them, write V> the proprietor, tod ft box will be 6cut uext post. e4690 I
IScience Sittings.
I Science Sittings. I THE "OLOGIES" AND "OSOPHIES" MADE SIMPLE AND ENTER- TAINING. A "hole in the ground," 4,800ft. deep, is to be one of the attractions at the Paris Expc.sition. People will descend and ascend by elevators, of which there are to be eight, each 600ft. in extent. It is stated that Miss Helen Culver has given a million dollars to Chicago University, to be used in the biological department, and that gift will carry with it a similar gift of a million dollars conditionally offered by Mr. Rocke- feller. The average speed of the Empire State ex- press on the New York Centml Railroad is now 53 and one-third miles per hour, while the average speed of foreign expresses is given as follows:—England, 51-75 miles; Germany, 51 "25 miles; France, 49-88 miles; Belgium, ':5,04 miles; Holland, 44'3 miles; Italy, 42-34 miles; and Austra-Hungary, 41:75 miles. The Royal Society is stated hy "Nature" to have placed JE800 at the disposal of a com- mittee of experts to defray the cost of an ex- pedition to Funifuti, in the Central Pacific. The object of the expeditioa is to make deep borings in a coral atoll. Professor Soliar, F.R S., is to take charge of it. and he will be conveyed with his party from Sydney to the island by a British gunboat. Professor Dyche, of Kansas University, in- tends to nake another trip to the Airctic Ocean, following the west coast of Green- land, and then to make an attempt to reach the North Pole by sledge or boat. The pre- sent year, will, therefore, be an important one in Arctic exploration. With Nansen, Dyche, Jackson, and Andree there will be four expedi- tions in the field. Hiram S. Maxim, in "Cassier's Magazine," discusses the question of high-speed electric trails, and says :—As to the question of speed, I see no reason why we might not expect to double the speed of steam-driven trains. Ordi- nary electric trains should travel at the rate of 90 or 100 miles an hour, and express trains at, eay, 120; but, in order to do this, it would be reee.-<sary to so construct the carriages as to enable them to pajs through the air without any great resistance. The train should be pointed at both ends, and have the appearanca of being all in one piece. The greit Bruce photographic telescope for the Harvard University Observatory at Are- quipa, in Peru, will shortly be sent by sea to Molendo, and transported nearly 80 miles by rail and road to its destination. It is designed to take photographs of the night sky, and, from its great power, as well as the purity of the atmosphere at the mountain observatory, it is expected to yield important results. On the coast of Norway, at a point 132 miles north of Trondhjem, in the island of Torghatten, which is visited by tourists on their way to the North Cape, there is a natural tunnel in the gneiss rock. M. Martel, the woll-kncwn cave hunter, has visited this curiosity, and found it to measure about- 500 feet in length, 75 feet at its greatest width, and 430 feet at its north-east mouth. The tunnei has evidently been bored by the waves of the sea, the rock being friable, owing to its ctructure of irregular parallc-llpipedon?. Perhaps the motst afrdeait-, though, uncon- scious, disseminator of microbes in ordinary households is the housemaid, who vigorously stirs up the dus* when sweeping out the rooms. Ir is now generally known that. the atmos- phere is, for the most part, free from-micro- organic life, but that dust is teeming with bacteria aad other varieties of microbes. Thus, when a housemaid embarks upon a cleaning campaign, and vigorously uppiiies her broom, while swet-ping a. carpet, the dust of the room is raided into the air, and with it all the mic- robes contained therein. The air then be- comes laden with germs, and no demonstration is needed to show that this cannot be produc- tive of a hygienic state of things. A rhort ncte on an ingeniom system of purifying the atmosphere and regulating the temperature of rooms is given in this week's "N at ure." In the switchboard loom of the Chicago Telephone Company they were much troubled with dust, which seriously interfered with the electrical connections. To remove this the air is first forced through a chamber where it is thoroughly sprayed, then passed through rajndly-ro^atii.g spiral coils, which act as desic- cators, and rEmove the excess of moisture. Before being taken to the switchboard room it is passed through a chamber kept at a nearly uniform temperature by a heating appa- ratus, or by ice, as required. The tempera- ture of the Lwitchroom is said not to vary riore than two degrees in a .oonth, the access to it being through an ante-chamber. Seme interesting temperature observations have been obtained at great depths by the Calu- met and Hecia Mining Company. The highest rock temperature noticed is at 4,580 feet below the giound ievel, and was 79deg. Fahr. At a depth of 105 feet the temperature was 59deg. Fahr., so that the rate of increase is much :ô!'1aUot' than has beon observed being only lOdeg. Fahr. for every 2,237 feet of depth. At the St. Gothard Tunnel the increase was ldeg Fahr. in 60 fe:t. The sinking is to be canied on to a depth of 4,900 feet below ground level. Professor Agassiz observes, in the "American Journal of Science," that at the observed rate of increase of temperature with depth i-oted above, the temperature at a depth of nineteen miles would only be about 47Cdeg. Fahr., whereas the older ratios would give a temperature of over 2,000deg. Fahr. at this distance below the ground surface. The observations wiexe made with Negretti and Zambra recording thermometers placed in holes drilled ten feet into the rook, the opening after the insertion of the thermometer being plugged with clay. The readings were tak^n after an interval of three months. ?_a.. ?
----------.----A GREAT BABYLONIAN…
A GREAT BABYLONIAN FIND. A discovery of the greatest importance lins just been made by Father Scheil, who has for ] some time been exploring in Babylonia. In ;he Mujelibeh Mound, one of the principal heaps of ruins in the enceinte of Babylon, he has dis- covered a long inscription of Nabonidus, the last of the Babylonian Kings (B.C. 555-538), which contains a mass of historical and other data which will be of the greatest value to ( students of this important period of Babylonian liistory. The monument in question (says the "Times") is a small stella of diorite, the upper r part of which is broken, inscribed with eleven' ■oiumns of writing, and which appears to have been erected early in the King's reign. < --?-
A POINT IN LEGAL ETIQUETTE.…
A POINT IN LEGAL ETIQUETTE. < A singular difficulty, involving an interest- ing question of legal etiquette, arose (before Mr. M'Connell) at the Bolton Quarter Ses- sions on Saturday. In the. last ease called, prosecuting counsel failed to appear. Mr. ) Hall, prosecuting solicitor, then robed, andl intimati d that he would ta.ke the brief. Mr. Cottingham, defending counsel, said this was most unusual, whereupon Mr. Hall replied that he had asked the other barristers prespnt but they declined on such short noticp. He* therefore, claimed the right of audience. The Recorder did not wish to establish a. pre- Rtcortlci' did not wish to establish a preee- ?eed under the circumstances. _1 —, BHI- 11 Wi L ILLfJ!
PARSONS AND PASSES.
PARSONS AND PASSES. A certain steamship company in New York, 'n consequence of the demand for free passes Emd cheap rates from "ministerial-looking" nen, has had the following Biblical quotations printed: — .Thou hlia.lt not pass.—Numbers xx. 18. The wicked shall no more pc.ss.—Nahum i. 15. Nr-ue dull cvor pas.—Mark xiii. 30. Though they roar, yet cain they not pass.Jere- miah v. 22. So ha paid the faac ivnd went.—Jonah i. 3. Applicants for free trips are, according to the 'Christian World," shown these, selections, and 3/S a. result either give up begging or "pay the :sre and go." -?- Printed by the Proprietors, Daniel Owen and Co. (Limited), and published by them at their offices, St. Mary-street, Cardiff; at their offices, Castle Bailey street, Swansea; at the shop of Mr. Wesley Wil- liam", Bridjrend—all in the County of Glamorgan; at the "Western Mail" Offices, Newport; at the ehop of Mr. J. P. Caffrey, Monmouth, both in thft County of Monmoutb; and at the øhop of Mr. O. Daviee, LlaneiUy, in the County of Canaftrtbea. } TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 1896.
Advertising
BUSINESS ADDRESSES. ? t?''??f???-?.?!??t?}?T!]-??j]?;!??? 'ti ?[t?? LvuuLl ??- ?????? ?????u?M?inum?. v wig ? COPYRIGHT, ■ PHIL PHILLIPS R H E UMATIC CUKE, FOR KHEUMATJSM, SCIATICA. OR RHEUMATIC GOUT. SOCKS, 10s. 6D. PER PAIR. ??\ BELTS, 10s. 6D. EACH. fL%\ WRISTLETS, 5s. PAIR. THE ONLY GENUINE ||||§ || \l APPLIANCES BEAR THE STAMP, ???? v ^0^ | jf "PHIL PHILLIPS' J I RHEUMATIC CURE," /rTv AS SHOWN IN THE SKETCH. Cl# SOLE MANUFACTURER:— MR. PHIL PHILLIPS. JEWELLER, 24 ST' J^/JARY-STREET> CAEDIFF. 40875 AGENTS WANTED THROUGHOUT SOUTH WALES AND MONMOUTHSHIRE. -I PUBLIC NOTICES. GRAND fCOTBALL COMPETITION fftIZE OF X5 STERLING EVERY WEEK. HOW TO WIN IT. On SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, the fol- lowing matches will De played — CARDIFF V. DEVONPORT ALBIONS. NEWPORT V. MOSELEY. SWANSEA V. PENARTH. LLANELLY V. NEATH. HOW TO COMPETE. You must fill up the Coupon underneath as follows: — 1st.—With the Names of the Peams whom you think will win. 2nd.—With the actual number of points for and points against the teams you think will win. CONSOLATION PRIZE. A Prize of One Pound Sterling will be given bo the Competitor who, failing to win the L5 Prize, comes ncaxe-st to the correal resuit. CONDITIONS I.-Forecasts. must be made on the Coupon. 2.—As many forecasts may be sent in as lesired. 3.—All forecasts must arrive at latest by rwelve Midnight every Friday, marked 'Foot- ball Competition" on the outside, and ad- Iressed the "Evening Express," Cardiff. 4.-The result will be declared in every Mon- lav's issue of the Evening Express." 5.—Our decision is final. O tc DO M H 55 fc 55 fc s?5 5 o • I o P* — j & g 3 = i O a 2 i « O < i i 3 • 1_ co J •< g j* • CO S o H 2* { 1 i e L_ j I j ? ? ? ? ? ? ? k § MM Mi £ 3 ill: j i i £ H '■ = 1 2* & P* yA £ j I w s i I I ill ? £ I I III 5*5 H i | = I M £ « W W w >■ 2 • g « S « v» Q ? Z -4 (H oi to V I GRAND CLEARANCE SALE. IRONMONGERY AND FURNITURE. THE CHEAPEST HOUSE IN WALES ?,?? ?? E: 'X JS;N2.01i| Z § ''MILLERlSSl 0<3 00 o ? pp 00 Z '? %????? H ? ? ? ALL KINio or HOUSEHOLD BB QUISITES. PERKINS BROS. & Co 58, ST. MARY-STREET, WYNDHAM ARCADE. CAKDIF F. HOTELS. PENARTH. FT1HE QUEE>J JGESTAURANT (Adjoining Station), STANWELL ROAD. First-class Luncheon from Is. i, Tea 11 6d. High-class Cakes and Confectionery, NOTED FOR PIC-NIC CATERING. Accommodation for very large Parties. THE QUEEN RESTAURANT, PENARTH. H. R. WILLIAMS, Proprietor. WEEKLY MAIL AND NEWS OB liffi WEEK. flvICE ONE PENKT,