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VARIETIES. ANECDOTE OF THE DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH. This nobleman was as much distinguished for his kindness o heart as for his riches, uniting real Mobility of character to that of rank and station in the community. The following account is eopied from the Glasgow Magazine Some time ago, the Duke of Buccleugh, in one of his walks, purchased a cow from a person in the neighbourhood of Dalkeith, and left orders to send it to his place the following morning. According to agreement, the cow was sent, and the Duke, happening to be in deshabille, and walking in the avenue, spied a little fellow ineffectually attempt- ing to drive the animal forward to its destination. The boy not knowing the Duke, bawled out to him, Heh, mun, come here and gies a htiril, wil the beast.' The Duke saw the mistake and determined on having a joke with the little fellow. Pretending, therefore, not to understand him, the Duke walked on slowly, the boy stili craving his assist- ance at last he cries in a tone of apparent distres!I, Come here, mun, and help us, and as sure's onything, I'll gi'e you the half ol what I get.' This last solicitation had the desired effect; the Duke went and lent a helping hand. I And itow, said the Duke, as they trudged along, 'how much do you think you'll get for this job f' Ou, I dinna ken,' said the boy, but I'm sure o* something, for the folk up by at the house are gude to a' bodies.' As they approached the house, the Duke darted from the boy, and entered by another way. He called a servant, put a sove- reign int) his hand, saying— Give that to the boy that has brought the cow.' The Duke returned to the avenue, and was soon rejoined by the boy. Well, how much did you get V said the Duke. A shilling,' said the boy; and there's the half o't t' ye.' 'But surely you got more than a shilling V—said the Duke. No,' said the boy with the utmost earnestness as sure all death that's a' I got; and d'ye no think it's plenty?' I do not,' said the Duke,' there must be some mistake: and as I am acquainted with the Duke, if you'll return with me, I think I'll get you more.' The boy consented, back they went—the Duke rang the bell and ordered all the servants to be assembled. Now,* said the Duke to the boy, point out the person that gave you the shilling,' It was that chap there wi' the white apron,' pointing to the butler. The delinquent oonfessed, fell on his knees, and attempted an apology;; but the Duke interrupting him, indignantly Ordered him to give the boy the sovereign and quit his service instantly. Ton have lost, said the Duke, your shilling, your situation, and your character, by yeur covetousnees; learn, henceforth, that heneety is the best policy.' The boy by this time, recognised his assistant in the person of the Duke, tnd the Duke was so delighted with the sterling worth and hoagety of :he boy. that he ordered him to be sent to school, kept there, and ptovidM for, at his own expense. THE DOMESTIC OPERA.—Since the night when Ike went to the Opera he has been, as Mrs Partington says, crazy, and the kind old dame has been fearful lest he should become non pompous mentis, through his attempt at imitating the operatives.' The morning after the Opera, at the breakfast table, Ike handed over his cup, and in a soft tongue sang— 1 Will you, will you Mrs P., Help me te a cup of tea:' The old lady looked at him with surprise, his conduct was so, unusual, and for a moment she hesitated. He continue-i in a far more impassioned strain- Do not, do not keep me waiting, Do not, pray, be hesitating, j I am anxious to be drinking, .« So pour out as quick as winking.' She gave him the tea with a figh. as she saw the excitement in his face. He stirred it in silenee, and in his abstraction took three spoonftls of sugar. At last he sang again— .1 Table cloths, and cups and saucers, T Goal white bread and active jaw, tirs, Tea—gunpowder and souchong— Sweet enough, but not too strong. • What do you moan, my boy ?' said Mrs Partington tenderly., All right, steady, never elearer, i !;i Never loved a breaMtet dearer, I'm ot boaad by witch er wizsard, fio dop It hwt your pveciotte gigmrd.1 4 But, lsftc —:—' persisted the dame. Ike struck his left hand upon the table, and swung his tetife aloft in his tight, looking at a plate upon the table, idnging- What is feat to lie appearing 1 Is it mackerel or is it herring} Let me dash upon it qaick, Ne'er agpaia that flsh shall kick-- Ne'er again, though thriee as large— Charge upon them, Isaac, charge Before he had a ekance to make a dash upon the fish, lire Par- tington had dashed a tumbler ef water into his ftice to restore him to conscientiousness.' It made him catch his breath for a moment, but he didn't sing any more at the table through the opera fever still follows kii elsewhere.—Tamil? Herald. On the death of Mr Thrale, it was believed that Dr. Johnson wanted to wed his rich widow, and An Ode to Mr* Thrale, by Samuel Johnson, L.L. D., on their approaching nuptials,' was publishecTby the wags, of which the following is a specimen If e'er my fingers toueb'd the lyre In satire fierce, in pleasure lay, Shall not my Thralia's sniiles inspire ? Shall Sam refuse the sportive day t My dearett lady; view your slave; Behold him, as your very scrub, Eager to frite, asauthor grave, Or govern wall the brewing tub. To risk felicity thus rais'd, My bosom glows with amorous nre Porter no longer shall be prais'd, 'Tis I myself am Thrale's Entire. In 1750, Dr. Mill, wrote a pamphlet, entitled, To David Gar- rick, Esa, the humble petition of I, in behalf of heraelf and Sister,' the purport of which was to charge Mr G. with mispro- nouncing some words including the letter I. nafurm, wtue, &c. The following answer was returned to Dr. H. by Mr Garrick; If 'tis true, as you say, that I'Ve inj ared a letter, I'll change all my notes soon, and I hope for the better May the just rights of letter:, as well as of men, Hereafter be fix'c1 bv the tongue and ttlc pen Most devoutly I wish they may both have their due, And that I may never be mistaken for U.' The following proverbs relate to health The bèstphysicilUls are Dr. Diet, Dr. Quiet, and Dr. ferry- man.' Go to bed with the lamb, and rise with the lark.' A bit in the morning is better than nothing all day.' Change you clothes in May, and you will repent many a day.' < One hour's sleep before aiiknight is worth two hours after.' 'Feed sparingly and Cefy the phyrfpians.' Every man is either a fool or a physician after thirty years of age.' F' OP THE ROjD. The rale otf the rfed is a paiUdox quite; In riding or driving along If you keep to the left you are sure to go right, If you go to the right you go wrong. RRLE OF THE FOOTPATH The rule of the footpath is clear as the light, And none can its reason withstand; Each side of the way you must keep to the right. And give those you meet the left hand. ATTLE OF THB KAIL. The rule of the rail is—soon come or soon go, Admitting of little delay; If you go, get in quick—you're left if you're slow Get out—and get out of the way. ■ • r .1' A fellow stole Lord Chatham's gouty shoes; his servant not finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind,' said-his lordship, 'AH the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit hiTa.1 Judge Jefferies, when on the bench, told an old fellow with a Ion* beard that he supposed he had a conscience as long as hid beard. 'Doe* your lordship,' replied the old man, 'measure consciences by beards I If so, your lordship has none at all.' T»o country attorneys overtaking a wagoner on the road, and thinking to be witty upon him, asked, 'Why his fore-horse was 80 fat, and the rest so lean ?' The wagoner knowing them, an- swered-, That his .tore-horse was a lawyer, and the rest were his clients,' I. A celebrated barrister, retired from practice, was one day asked his sineere opinioa of the law. Why the fact is' rejoined he, 'if any man were to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a law-suit, he should certainly have it, lest, in defending my COAT, I should lose my WAISTCOAT also.' I Who-is that lovely girl.?' exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in eompany Vith his fhpnd, Counsellor Graharty. I Miss I Glass,' replied the barrister. Glass,' reiterated the facetious judge; by the love which man bears to woman, I should often beeome intoxicated, could I preesoueh a glass to my lip! Nelson once punished an'eXcellent seaman for being tipsy, and told him, if ever yeu eeemein such a state, I'll not only allow you to get tipsy, but find you in grog to do so. At Palermo, Nelson gave a,grand dinner, and was going into his boat more than half seas over. The jailor steered about, and reminded him of his punishment, and the promise made to him. Nelson ordered him a gallon of rum, and observed, he would not set ap himself for a pattern to be observed in future, as he was as weak as his men, and his faults were less pardonable. But, said he, turning to Lady Hamilton, Old English bark, if not kept maest, is sure to perish with the dry-rot.' A Mghlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to get shaved; The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after haying shaved him, asked the price of it. • Tippence,' said the highlander. No, no,'said the shaver, I'll give you a> penny, anaif-t.hat doesnot satisfy you, take your brooih again.* The highlander took it, and asked 4 What he had to pay.' A penny'" says Strap. I'll gie yea a baubee,' says Duncan, and if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard again. A wealthy merchant of Fenehurch-street, lamenting to a eon- fidential friend, that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded by lIaying, 'Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them, But then, his condition; how can I introduce him?' I Non-gent(,' replied his companion, 'introduce him as a liveryman of the City < of London. What is more honourable!' It chanced one gloomy day, in the month of December, that a good humoured Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a hill of exchange, for him at rather a long, though not an unusual date,; and the merchant having casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, I Tlat's true,' replied the Irish- man but then, my honey, you don't consider how short the days are at this time of year.' Doyle and Yelverton, two eminent members of the Irish bar, once quarrelled so violently, that from words they came to blows. The former, the more powerful man, (at the fists, at least,) knocked down his adversary twice, exclaiming with much vehemence, You scoundrel, I'll make you behave your- self like a gentleman.' To which Yelverton, rising, answered with eqnsl vehemence, I No never; I dety you You can't do it!' George the First, on a journey to Hanover, stopped at a village in Holland, and while the horses were getttng ready, he asked for two or three eggs, which were brought him, and charged two hundred BM-ins. 'How is this 1' said his Majesty, 'eggs must be very scarce in this place.' Pardon 'me,' said the host, 'eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scaroe.' The king imiled,«nd ordered the money to be paid. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quar- ters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. SO very unusual an attitude in an English sailor exciting his surprise and curiosity, he went and asked the man if he was ^afraid. Afraid!' answered the honest tar, I no; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money—the greatest part among the officers.' When Mr Hankev was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had, as part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, in- sisted upon seeing the master in private. This was at length acceded to; and when the banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued Sailor Mr Hankey, I've got a tickler for you—didn'tlike to expose you before the lads. Hankey: That was kind. Pray, what's this tickler ? Sailor: Never mind, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you; Itig a fifty. Han- key: Ah! that's a tickler indeed. Sailor: Don't fret; give me five pounds now, and the rest at -so much a week, and say nothing to nobody.' The late Earl of 8- kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was expert in making bulls as the most learned of his country- men. My lord having sent him one day with a present to a cer- tain judge, the judge in return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter the partridges buttering in the basket upon Ttague's back, as he was carrying them home, lie set down the basket, und opened the lid of it to quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh, the devil burn ye,' said he, I am glad you are gone.' But when he came home, and my lord had read the letter, Well, Teague,' said my lord, I find there are half- a-dozen partridges in the letter.' Arrah now, dear sir,' said Teague, I am glad you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the basket.' A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn toge- ther. The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of the bed. A traveller, in passing the room door, saw him in this situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel, who drawing his leg into bed, so disturbed his companion that he exclaimed, Arrah, lioney, heve a care of your great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv.1 The Scetchman being souud asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other com- panions, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney, who not a little surprised at finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, Deil take the daft chiel of an ostler, he's ta'en my boots off last night, and left on the spur. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a j ounft woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callande had won his son's heart. One day he requested Tom to walk with him, aad soon entered upon the subject of his marriage, and pointed but to him in glowing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, and then descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm; and expatiat'ng on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, I Tom, if you marry C-iroline Callander I'll cut you off with a shilling I' Tern eoiuld not resist the opportunity of replying, and I looking archly at his father, said, Then, sir, you must borrow it.' Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject. QUKBR EPITAPHS.—In St. Ann's Churchyard Manchester Short was my life, Longer still my rest; God call'd me home, Because He thought it best.' At Wetherden, in Suffolk, on a brass plate in the chancel. JORN DANIEL, M64.. 4 Here lye the bones now rotten |; Of one not yet forgotten; '111 For his virtue hear should dye In a worthy memory. Who from noblye gentle blood, Yeelded fruite most sweetly good; And despising worldlye pelf, Did but Heavenlye love himself.' On a small moral monument in the north aisle of Levenham charoh, in the old English character 4 Contynaull prayse these lines in brasse, Of Allayne Dyster here, A clothier vertuous, whil% he was In Lavenham many a yeare. For as in lyefe he loved best The poor to clothe and feede, So withe the riche and all the reste, He neighbourle agreed; And did appoint before he dyed, A speciall yearlie rent, Which should be every Whitsontide, Amonge the poorest spent.' Et Obitt Anno Domini 1534. On a stone in the churchyard of Moresby, near Whitehaven September 17, 1863. William the father, arid Thomas his Son, Sirnamed Brittons, lies under this ston; Seamen both, and in one ship together, This day lost, next fovnd, and so brovght hither. From the Latin set over William Longsword, natural son of King Henry II., in Salisbury Cathedral (died 1226): William Ilpyai flower of knighthood, lies beneath; the Longsword now has found a narrow sheath.' QuxzR. EPITAPHS.—Th« following was in a churchyard in Wiltshire, in a state of great dilapidation, and probably is ob- literated by this time Here I lie; no wonder I'm'dead, For the wheel of a waggon went over my head.' In the churchyard of Stdrrington: Here lies the body of Edward Hide" We laid him here because he died ■ In Little Xaston Church, on Sir H. Maynard, who died in 1610: • Who! what 1 :and whence I was ? how held in Court 1 My prince, my peers, my country can report; Ask these of me, good reader—not these stones, Thou knew my life—these do but hold my bones.' COKIOUS EPITAPH.—In Nicholas's History of Leic eatershire, is inserted the following epitaph to the memory of Theophilus Cave, who was buried in the chancel of the church of Barrow- on-Soar: 4 Here in this Grave there lies a Cave- We call a Cave a .Grave— If Cave be Grave, and Grave be Cave, • i Then reader, judge, t crave. f Whether doth Cave here lye in Grave, ■ Or Grave here lye incave If Grave in Cave h'!l'e. bury'd lye, Then Grave, where is thy victory ? Goe, reader, and report here lyes a Cave Who conquers Death, and buryes his own Cave.' — MONUMENT TO ADMIRAL SIR CHARLES NAPIBH.—We have already stated that a monument was in conrse of -erection at Portsmouth to Sir C. 2Sapier. It has now beta completed, and the following is a description of if: —The design consists of what is called a rustic basement supporting a triangular pedestal, with three narrower alternate faces. The mouldings.are solid and handsome, and frOtp the sloping cornice ria" a column of red eolonred stone, 2^ feet In diameter., oOa the capital of which stands a spirited figure of a lion in a defiant atti- tude, his paw resting on, a bombshell. The total height is about 29 feet from the ground. The carted capital is original and atltmve in design, the Napeer crest, seamen's cutlasses, and the anchor being introduced. On the lower portion of the shaft of the colutau is a cartouche enclosing a medallion in bronze, a well-studied life-like production by Phyffers, representing the gallant admiral at in the latter part of his life. The inscription on the fare of thé pedestal immediately beneath is as follows:— Charles Napier, Admiral of the Blue, K.C.B., born 1786; died 1860: "Onthe two remaining sides are other inscrip- tions; viz. To. commemorate the untiring efforts of a gallant officer and true-hearted man in advancing the welfare of the British sailor, this cotumnis erected by petty oncers, Bon-commiesionad officers, seamen, and marinesof her Majesty's navy, 1863 1 and the ancient motto of the Napier family* 'Ready, aye ready.' On the three alternate faces of the pedestal are recorded the names 'Martinique,' 'Cape St. Vincent,' and 'Acre,' each the scene of a hard-fought engagement. Con- sidering the iintited sources at command—the subscrip- tlODIf being rigidly confined to the above-named grades In the servioe'-thd memorial does honour to the sub- OtTibers and Lthbir*.vommittee. !t wiit: remind future generations of the sterling mevut which always will inspire admiration* P' ,l*M> gratitude which, though dpath intervenes, peeks to acknowledge iti in the present one. The design i« the production of Messrs. Wil«on and NicholJ, the, archlt?^ of the Chesapeake memorial on SoathMtt Common. ¡".