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FACTS AND FACETIJE. i If you jump at conclusions, you may take a leap in the dark. With what lass have sailors most to do?-The wind-lass. What bar is that which often opens and never shuts ?—A crowbar. Why is a retired oculist like an Inland Revenue official f—Because he is an ex-eyesman. When is a blow from a lady welcome ?—When she strikes you agreeably. The Largest Room in the World. The "room for provement." Why do the birds feel depressed early in a summer morning P-Because their little bills are all over dew. A literary man on retiring into P^ate life said that his connection with the press had thawed and resolved itself in adieu! After quoting from John Locke, that a blind man took his idea of scarlet from the sound of a trumpet, a witty fellow says that a hoop-skirt hanging out of a shop door reminds him of the peel of a belle. An unwashed newsboy being asked what made him so dirty, replied, "I was made, as they tell me, of the dust of the ground, and I reckon it is just working out." „ What fish may be said to be in their proper nlacesp—A peroh in a bird's cage; a skate in a cutler a shop • a plaice on the top of an omnibus a, sole at the bottom of your foot; whiting cleaning plate; and a mussel in a lady's neck. A little fellow of five years fell and cut his upper lip, and not only bore the operation of sewing up the wound with fortitude, bat allayed the fears of his fond mamma, that a disfiguring scar would remain, by assuring her that his moustache would cover it. Master," said the clown of a circus, what is the difference between occupation and business?" DiSeronoo ? there is none." Oh, yes there is. I'll give you an instance: Maximilian's taking posses- sion of Mexico is an occupation, isn't it ? Yes.' Well, he hasn't any business there, has he ? A clergyman being deposed from his ministry for holding certain heretical opinions, said, It should cost a hundred men their lives." This alarming speech being reported, he was taken before a magistrate and examined, when he explained himself by saying his meaning was that "he intended to practise physic. A Hint to the Ladies.—There is a new bonnet on the horizon. It is made of one large full-blown rose which lies flat on the top of the head, sown on a scarf of dew-bedropped tulle, which is crossed under the ohin, where another small rose peeps forth. The whole is called chapeau puff." In less than three weeks it will be in struggling rivalry with the Lam- balle." On the occasion of Mr. Baron Aldersoa and Mr. Justice Paterson holding the assizes at Cambridge, Mr. Gunson was appointed to preach the assize sermon, when next morning the following lines were sent to the judges judges A baron, a justice, a preacher sons three— The preacher a son of a Gun was ho The baron he is the son of a. tree; WhoBe son the justice is, I cannot well see- But read him Pater-son, and all will agree That the son of his father the justice may be." The Yankee traveller who saw the live Hoosier has again written to his mother, telling her his experience as follows" Western people are death on etiquette. You can't tell a man here that he lies without fighting. A few days ago a man was -telling two of his neigh- bours, in my hearing, a pretty large story. Says I, 'Stranger, that's a whopper.' Saya he, 'Lay there, stranger.' And in the twinging 01 an eye I found myself in the ditch, a perfect quadruped. Upon another occasion says I to a man I never saw before, as a woman passed, That isn't a specimen of your Western women, is it ?' Says he, You are afraid of fever and ague, ain't you?' 'Very much, says I. Well, replied he, that lady is my wife, and if you don't apologise in two minutes, by the honour of a. gentleman I swear that these two pistols, which he held cocked in his hands, shall cure you of that dis- order entirely.' So I knelt down and politely apolo- gised. I admire this Western country ranch; but darn me if I can stand so much etiquette, it always takes me unawares.' How they Do in Maine.—Somebody, evidently an old bachelor used to such things, thus describes how they do in Maine" Quaker young ladies in the Maine Law State, it is said, still continue to kiss the lips of the young temperance men, to sea if they have been tampering with liquor. lust imagine a beautiful young temperance woman, with all the dignity of an executive officer, and the innocence of a dove, with the charge, Mr. the ladies believe you are in the habit of tampering with liquor, and they have ap- pointed me to examine you according to our estab- lished rules; are you willing P' You nod acquies- cence. She gently steps closer to you, lays her white arm around your neck, dashes back her raven curia, raises her sylph-like form upon tip-toe, her snowy, heaving bosom against your own, and with her angelic features lit up with a smile as sweet as heaven, places her rich, rosy, pouty, sugar, molasses, lily, rose- bud, cream-tart, apple-pie, peach-pudding, apple- dumpling, gingerbread, nectar lips against yours, and (0 Jerusalem, hold us!) kisses you. Hurrah for the gals and the Maine Law, and death to all opposi- tion The following amusing article on anagrams has just appeared in the Galaxy ihewit3 and wise. asres of the olden times looked into the names of men and places for satires and for omens. Several astrono- mers have used anagrams to secure the credit of disco- veries which they did not wish to reveal. Louis XIII. retained in his service an anagrammatist named Thomas Billon, with a pension of twelve hundred livres. Calvin calls himself by the snagrammatic name of Alouinus, in the title of his Institutes printed at Strasburg. Alcuinua was the great restorer of learning in the time of Charlemagne, and substituting u for v (the letters in those days being equivalent) the name is an anagram from Calvinus. It was deemed almost a prophecy of fate when it was found that the name of Louis de Bouchet could bo transposed to est la bouche du roi" (is the mouth-piece of the king); that of Francis de Veloys to, "defagon suis royal" (of regal strain); and John Charles Stuart, the full name of James I., to "claims Arthur's seat." The fascina- ting Marie Touchet procured a liberal pension for the writer who deduced from her name, "Je charme tout" (I charm all). Queen Elizabeth once received an anonymous letter containing the following ana. gram: "Elizabeth, Regina Anglorum"—"Gloria regni salvi manebit." (The glory of the kingdom shall re- main intact.) Dr. Burney found the happy anagram, "Honor eat u. Nilo OJ (his honour is from the wile), in "Horatio Nelson." "Napoleon Bonaparte was transposed to read—"Bonarapta, ^eno, pone (rascal yield up your stolen possessions). £ k"* J* ellesley Duke of Wellington," came from the p torammat crucible, "Let the well-foiled Gaul secure thy renown;" from "Louis Napoleon Bonaparte has been drawn the warning, An open plot !_Ar Florence Nightingale n c bywords, "Flit on, cheering an?eli.tnrfl Lv Trl T ablest of the New York editors,Joshua Leavitt, D D finds in his name the good Christian sentiment, "I have a Tust lot." A number^of ingenious Latin anasrams have been made from the "United States." MU dZs stot-God stands in thee. Lule tide stas- Hence thou atandest safety. Des isle, nutat—Kmda off! It shakes (The Union. Appropriate in 1861.) Dentatus isle—He has teeth (i.e Uncle Sam has). Siste nudat be Stop stripa thee! Et ista desuni -Those things are also wanting (The Indian bonds). A te desistunt-They keep off from thee (Foreign nations). The answer to the ques- tion'FnJ ■ la, "positively." Other permutations are given thus — Astronomers — "moon starers, searching whether there are "no more stars; Lawyers-" B]y ware;" Telegraphs- great helps; Punishment-" nine thumps; Old England ^golden laud;" Matrimony—"try mon f™' ,0* mto my arm;" Paradise Lost-"reap sad J°"a>, l^radise Regained—"dead respite again;" i) rench Revolution—" violence ran forthRevolution to love ruinPenitentiary—" nay, I repent it Parishioners—" I hire parsons;" Presbyterian—" best in prayer;" Impatient—"Tim, in a pet;" Midship- man— mind his map;" Melodrama—" made moral;" ^nrgeon—" go, nurse;" Catalogue-" got a clue." There is a word which, by changing the position of a single letter, becomes its own opposite: United- untied." It is stated that a man once sent to a gir 1 whom he loved, named Magdalen, three dozen ana- grams on her name, as a token of affection. A lady nowadays would prefer almost any sort of trash, even a poem on her eyebrows, to a gift of ansgrama.