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FACTS AND FACETI2E. The musician who can make his hearers forget time may be excused for not keeping it. A Paradox,—When a shoemaker is lag to make a boot, the first thing he uses is the last. A fashionable party is now called a daughter- cultural show." o ut When is literary work like smoke? When it comes in volumes. A gentleman who had borrowed money of all his friends, at last applied to an old Quaker, who said, Friend Fordyce, I have known several persons ruined by two dice; and I will take care not to be ruined by Four dice. Sententious Epitaph in a Rustic Cemetry: Tho rottin, not forgottin." At what time should an innkeeper visit an iron- foundry P-Wi-ien he wants.a bar-maid. Why is a cat going up three flights of stairs like a big hill ? Because she is a mount'in. Why is a piece of sterile ground like a certain toilet article P-Beoause it's bare soil (bear's oil). "John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion ?s' —"Yes, sir," said John. "Attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down, and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again." Dr. Johnson's definition of a note of admiration (!) made on the moment is very neat:— I see-I see-I know not what, I see a dash above a dot, Presenting to my contemplation A nerfect noint of admiration. M. About, in a recent publication, says of an avaricious man, that, it had been proved that, after having kindled his fire, he stuck a cork in the end of the bellows to save the little wind that was left in them." Well, uncle, do you see any particular difference in neighbour Pearoe since he joined the Church?" Oh, yes," was the reply, a great difference. Before, when he wont out into his garden on Sunday, he car- ried garden tools on his shoulder, how he carries them under his overcoat." Bitter.—It seems, from the issue of a recent trial in Paris, that a matrimonial agency which had a negress to marry on their books, used to announce the fact thus:—"A negro lady to marry, with a fortune of two millions and a half franc3." The nibbles at the black one were not many, and he who bit waa finahy bitten. A young man advertises for a place as a sales- man, and says he has had a great deal of. experience, havisg been discharged from seven situations within the year. A lady, commending the manners of a gentleman of her acquaintance, said, He is a paragram of polite. nesa," "Parallelogram, madam, you mean, said a wag, sitting next to her. "Ah, yes, .paxaueiogram, I ah iu!d have said," replied the lady. Stamped Antelopes."—A would-be gentleman, thr)' other day, called at the Post-office, and displayed his igiior&noo of natural history or the French lar.r. u i; pe or both, by re.qiwatisg to ba supplied with a stamped antelope! J There is a legend that, one day, a woma&went to Brigham Young for counsel, touching, some alleged oppression by an officer of the church. Brigham, like a true politician, assumed to know her; but, when it became necessary ta record her case, hesitated, and said, Let me see, sister, I forget your name." My name!" was the indignant reply, "why, I am your wife I" When did I marry you? The woman in- formed the "President," who referred to an account- book in his desk, and then said: Well, I believe you are right. I knew your face was familiar!" .•^ Action.—It was once ruled in an actian for lu +V i? !by a °lsr £ yman against a pamphleteer, tnat to call a lawyer a fool was actionable, because one A? a without being a bad lawyer; but that the same term applied to a clergyman wa3 not actionable, since a man might be a feol and yet a very good parson. J "4" S^arp Retort. Two lawyers, one of whom had grey hair, and the other, though just as old a man as his learned friend, had hair which looked sus- piciously black, had some altercation about some question of practice, in which the gentleman with the dark hair remarked to his opponent, at the same time looking at the barrister's grey head, "A person at your time of life, sir, ought to have had long enough experience to know what is customary in such cases." "Yes, sir," was the reply; "you may stare at my grey hair if you like. My hair will be grey as long as I live, and yours will be black as long as you dye." A young man, having entertained a tender passion for a young woman, felt such insurmountable diffidence as to prevent his ever disclosing the same to the fair empress of his heart, and resolved on an expedient which would bring the business to an issue. He went to the parish clerk, and requested that the banns of marriage might be published. When the publication was brought to the young woman's ears she was filled with astonishment, and went to him to vent her resentment. He bore the sally with fortitude, ooserving that if she did not think proper to have him, she could just go to the church and forbid the banns. After a moment's pause, she took counsel with her anger, and said, "As it has been done, it is a, pity that the fee should be thrown away! The following poem on incontrovertible facts con- tain no vowel but Or I" No monk too good to rob, or cog, or plot, No fool so gross to bolt Scosohcollops hot. Donjon tops no Oronoako rolls. Troops^' no^ ^G!i0S> floods Oporto's bowls. Box lom Sld o!i sot consort. No cool mortal011001"3?3 do flog for sport. Orthodox, jo,tid blow soft on Oxford dons, Bold Ostrogoths 0fbfeook;^™ Solomons! On London shop-fro.uillt3 no aorror show. To crocks of gold no do33 hoP"b„lo3s°ms grow. On soft cloth footstools no Ior, Long storm-tost sloops forlorn^? ^)tn brood. Hooks do not roost on spoons, ner T.on to port. Nor dog on snowdrop or on coltsfoot rcgocks snort. Nor common frog concocts long protocols. "Artemus Ward among the Fenians', witi* Showman's Observation on Life," is the title of a t2& work just introduced.. Some parts of it are very droll. The humour is not of a very subtle or large kind, but there is a frolicsome extravagance iu it which makes one laugh. It is not everjone who would venture to put together such rubbish, but then if it is rubbish it is good rubbish, instance tha following:—" It waa late when I got home. The children and my wife was all abed. But acanêHe-a candle made from taller of our own raisin'—gleamed ia Betsy's room; it gleamed for I! All was still. The sweet silvery moon was a shinin' bright, and the beautiful stars was up to their usual d(.)ins! I felt a sontymental mood so gently ora me stealin', I pawsed before Betsy's winder, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic vois, as fellers, iirpromtoo, to wit:- 1 Wake, Bessy, wake, My sweet galoot! Rise up fair lady, While I touch my hde The winder—I regret to say that the winder went up with a violent crash, and a form robed in epot- liep white exclaimed, 4 Cam into the house, you old fool. To inorrer you'll ba gom* round complainiu' ir e i- about yosr liver! I sot up nspell by the kitohen fire re-idm' Lewis Napoleon's ijife of Julius Gtesar.' What a reckless old cuss he was Yit Lewis pictura him in glowin cullers, Ciesar made it lively for the boys in Gaul, didn't he ? He slewed one million of citizens, male and female—Gauls and. Gaulusscs-and then he sold another million of 'em into slavery. Ha continnered this cheerful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he was 'sassinated in Borne by sum highl toned Roman genl'men, led on by Mr. Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his knife into him, Csesar admitted that he was gone up. His funeral was a great success, the house bein' crowded to its utmost capacity. Ten minutes after the doors were opened the ushers had to put up cards on which was printed Siiandin' Room Only.' I went to bed at last. And so,' I said, thou hast no ear for sweet melody ?' A silvery snore was my only answer. Betsy slept." Arfcemiis Ward, however, is not the,only bidder for fame in putting forth drolleries. There is a book come out called Josh Billings, His Book of Sayings." He sets at defiance all rules of spelling, and adopts a style of his own, which of course will appear childish and frivolous to those people who cannot "take a joke." Josh takes Fashion as his theme, and thus discourses upon it Fashion is a compound mixtur ov much taist and sum vanitee. The taist that is into it saives it from ridikule. Paslmn iz just az necessara tu govern men and wimmin with az sivil law; in fack, menny folks wud ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale. tu short, or a bunne-tt to obtuza. Exsen- trieity iz one thing and fashun iz another thing. Wa liamt no more rite tu lafi" at fashun than wa hav tu laff at vittels. What a man or woman eats if it iz well cooked iz all rite, and what tha ware if it iz well cooked is ditto. After fashuns have had their da then iz the time tu despize them just so it iz with vittels--cold vittels for in- stanze. Nobody iz tu blame for eld fashuns. If our grate grandmother shud meet our present mother both ov them dressed in the fashmi ov their respektif daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old fools, and we should stan by and offer tu bet on it. If evrv boddy had a fashun ov their own it wud make az mutch trubble az a shinpla,stor kurrency. Them that sett the fashun aught tu be vartnous and big minded, bekauze the morals ov a, poopla are just about az much inflooensed by fashun az tha are by religun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun tha didn't hav partiklar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov va,nitee to rejek fashun than it iz tu adopt it. Evra boddy more or lessly hankers after fashun. "Fashun makes the poor ambishus and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsome, and there iz no reason why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud make the butiful wicked. Thera has alwus bin wolfs in shesps' clothing, and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aiat enny reason why mutton arnt good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy. Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu faahun only proves its power, and yu will find that thezawhoare its slaves are ginerally free from most, ov the big sius that humin natur iz subjeo tu. The big minded and the noble adopt. faehun just az tha du enny other proper kustom, simpla bakause it iz the fashun. It is tru that sum ov the, fashuns are absurd and it is tru that sum ov the vartues are absurd also' If a fashun kant be made tu square itself tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is consait. A grate meimy foikes oed that whoopa was a failure, but tha held their own and grew nisely; tha are realy -™ a hot da. I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August, a feller wud be as cool as a dog s nose m a wire muzzle. The essa is thru."

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