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FACTS AID FACETIAE, -+-- Conjugal Conundrum.- Which is of greater value, pr'ythae say, The bride or bridegroom ? Must the truth be told F Alas it must. The bride is given away; The bridegroom's often regularly sold. A crusty old bachelor says that Adam's wife was called Eve because, when she appeared, man's day of happiness was drawing to a close. Jones, directing Brown's attention to the fla.shy equipage of a noted corn doctor, was answered by his friend that it was an illustrated edition of Banyan's "Progress." You walk more erect than usual, my friend." Yes, I have been straitened by circumstances." A man's character is often treated like a grate- blackened all over first to come but the brighter after- wards. Are these pure canaries ?" asked a gentleman of a bird-dealer, with whom he was negotiating for a gift for his fair." Yes, sir," said the bird-dealer, con- fidently I raised them 'ere birds from canary-seed." A young lady, while on her way to be married, was run over and killed. A confirmed old maid savagely comments She avoided a more lingering and horrible destiny." May is considered an unfortunate marry ing month- A girl, on being asked to unite herself in the silken tie, tenderly hinted that May was an unlucky month for marrying. Well, make it June, then," honestly replied the swain, anxious to accommodate. The damsel paused a moment, hesitated, cast down her eyes, and with a mod eat blush said, "Wouldn't April do as well ? A West end music-seller wai lately overpowered by a fastidious young lady who wanted to pnrchasa "Mr. Hood's—a—song of the-a gentleman's under- garment An Irishman, on being told to grease the wagon, returned in an hour afterwards, and said, I've greased every part of the wagon but them sticks the ivheels hang on! At a revival not long since, an old lady prayed fer- vently "for the joung lambs of the flock." A "lady in black," not to be outdone by her sister, responded, and blandly asked who was to pray for the old ewea r" This set the congregation in a roar. The gentleman who borrowed an oyster-knife with which to open an aocount at a bankers, is anxious to meet with a patent corksorew to draw a cheque. A countryman visiting Dartmoor observed that a gang of men (convicts) were working on the moor, each wearing a bail and chain. He asked one of them why that ball was chained to his leg P "To keep people from stealing it," was the reply; there are so many thieves about here." There are ties which never should be severed," as an ill-used wife said when she found her brute of a husband hanging in a hayloft. The people live uncommon long in Vermont. Thsra are two men there EO old that thr-y have quite for- gotten tvho they are, and there is nobody alive who can remember it for them. They are fond of titles in the east. Among his other high-sounding titles, the King of Ava has that of" Lord of Twenty-four Umbrellas." This looks as though he had prepared for a long ?"eign! An old lady in a steamboat asked the man who came to collect the fare if there was any danger of being blown up, as the steam made such a horrid noiee. Not the least," said the sharp collector, unless you refuse to pay your fare Ode to Dunkellin.- ^Fer s7"s'riaTTy" no~{ ellin*" What mischief you've maaagad to do, For the cabinet's out, And I fear there's no doubt We'll be ruled by the Derbyite crew r Dunkellin, Danlialiin, Oh why this rebellin' Against the old friends of your aire ? A wretched seceder, With Grosvenor for leader, And cunning low pulling the wire! What nonsense your prating Of renting and rating, And value of houses and land! You proud young patricians Are seldom logicians, But talk—when you don't understand. Your talent you've shown in Reform Bill postponing, But Dizzy will ride on the atom- Old ties you may sever, Bat yet you will never Arrest the sura course of Reform. Each jubilant Tory Is^now in his glory, You've gladdened the heart of the foe And vengeance so pleasant Reigns sweetly at present In the breast of the renegade Lowa* And Elcho and Horaman r (That bilious and cross man) Exalt at the loss of the bill; Themselves able deeming By plotting and scheming To fetter the popular will. In vain their declaiming, And ministers blaming For talking of burning, their boats;" Era the triumph much longer, A measure far stronger May be thrust down Adullamito throats —From the Owl." An old Scotch clergyman, who had an old tailor for his man, was ana day riding home from a neighbouring parish, where he had been assisting in the celebration of the Saorament. "John," cried he, how does it come, do you think, that my young brother there should have such great assemblages of people hearing him, when I, for instance, although preaching the same sermons I ever preached, am losing my hearers daily?" "Bless ye, sir," answered his sage valet, "it's just wi' you as it's wi' mysell. I sew just as weel as ever I did; yet that puir elf —— has taen my business maist clean awa'. It's no' the sewing that'll do, sir; it's the new cut; it's just the new out." The common phrase, Give the devil his due," was turned very wittily by a membar of the bar of North Carolina on three of his legal brethren. Daring the trial of a cause, "Hillman, Daws, and Swain" (all distinguished lawyers), handed to John Dodge, the Clerk of the Supreme Court, the following epitaph Here lies John Dodge, who dodged all good, And never dodged an evil; And after dodging all he could, He could not dodge the devil! II Mr. Dodge immediately sent back to the gentleman tha annexed impromptu reply: Here lies a Hillman and a Swain! Their lot le-t no man choose They lived in sin and died in pain, And the devil got hia dues (Dews.)" Around the stern of the Great Eastern, to prevent the telegraph cable from fouling the screw, a frame- work of iren bars has been fixed, which, from ita resemblance to a certain article of fashionable attire, has been christened a crinoline guard." Now, crino- Jino, aa is well known, is a fabric of hair-a hair cloth; and the earliest of the present style of petticoat-sup- ports were made of that material, whence the namo. But when a demand arose for a cheaper artiole to serve the same end, the too-well-known system of steel hoops was introduced, the original name being retained, although a gross misnomer; and the result is, the application of this misnomer to a meohanioal contrivance. The "crinoline guard" is likely to be handed down to mechanical posterity, while all relating to crinoline as an article of dress will soon be forgotten. Imagine, then, the bewilderment of those who, a generation hence, want to know how the" crinoline guard" came by its absurd name S