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VARIETIES-GRAVE AND GAY.

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VARIETIES-GRAVE AND GAY. The coldest led in an omnibus-the one neaifist the Pole. I- You be banged as the washerwoman said to tbe cloth en. Why should d civet cat be a good hunter ?—Bccause the never loses her scenti Make the night night, and the day day, and you will be merry and wise. Men have lost more in this woiM by hurrying than they have by waiting their regular time. Have you read my last speech ?" said a prosy fel- low to a fiiend. I hope so," was the reply. Topers should bear in mind that wlnfc they quaff from the goblet afterwards app ars in the "rrU^ When you see a man's likeness in a photographic album, it isa clear proof that lie has I!een taken in." There is naught in the world so deserving of admira- tion as the man who beais misfortune with courage. Some persons are capable of making great sacrifices, but few are capable of concealing how much the effort has cost them. A wit once asked a peasant what part he played in the great drama of life.—" I mind lI,y own business," was the reply. What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow ?-One skims the milk, and the other skims the water. A man's favourite "prejudice is the nose of his mind, which he follows into whatsoever predicament it May lead him. A Milwaukie policeman has a Newfoundland dog to protect his purse from thieves as htJ sleeps on his lonely midnight watch. A Kentucky gentleman didn't get angry until he had been called a liar" eighty-one times. The mono- tony of the thing "riled" him. There are people who think that to be grim is to be good, and that a thought, to be really whole- some, must necessarily be shaped like a coffin. Far higher is the office of the teacher, who Makes admirable men, than that of the sculptor or painter, who makes admi.-able imitations of them. A dashing and fashionable widow says she thinks Of suing some gentleman for a breach of promise, so that the world may know IIhe is in the market. A new mode of dispersing a mob has been discovered, which is said to supersede the necessity of a military force-it is. to pass round a contribution box. A manufacturer in Birmingham has succeeded ia mak- ing such an improvement in Britannia-metal goods, that it is said he is obliged to warrant them vot silver. Why do you choose to Jive n. single life ?' asked a fashionable idler of an estimable young lady. Because," she replied, I am not able to support a husband." A French paper points out how the passion for gamb- ling is shewn in Englond,so that even in wedding notices It is necessary to state that, there were no cards." A recent popular writer says that woman should be won by degrees." Certainly—win first her ears and eyes, then her heart, then her lips, and then 1 er hand. The habit of accur,d,e and of systematic: thought is invaluable. We believe it to be one of the elements vital to success, for all action has its initiative in the br: in. Take a company of boys chasing butterflies, put longtailed coats on the boys, and turn the buttcrdi-a intoguiueas.and you have a beautiful panorama of the world. A medical student wishes to know if young ladies with a mania for "shopping," but with no particular predilection for buying, may not properly be con- sidered counter-irritants Dean Swift said that the reason n certain university was a lttarned 1 lace was th it most persons took some learning there. and but few brought any away with them, and so it accumulated. A rich man one day asked a man of wit what sort of a thing opulence was. "It is a thing," replied the philosopher, "which can give a rascal the advantage over an honest man." What is the difference between a volunteer who shoots wide of the target,and a brute of a husband who blackens his wife's eyes?-The one misses his mark, and the other marks his missis. Perhaps Lord Lyndhurst owed his long life not more to his fine constitution than to his marvellous equa- nimity. One of his contmnpoiaiies said of him, He will outlive us all, for lie nc' er fre',s." Lord Notbury, riding in the coach of l,i,. friend Pur- cen, and chancing to pass a gallows, islii d, "Where Would you be. Puriell, if every man had his due ?" "Alone in my c;iri-i-ge was the rep'y. We lately met a grammarian, says a California paper, who has just made a tour through the mines, conjugating, or rather cogitating, thusPositive, mine comparative, miner; superlative, mi 1 lis Some one advised Alex. Logan, a witty Scotch advo- cate, to read a bombastic Look on a good subject:, saying, "Don't you like to expatiate in that field?" When lie replied, I cannot get over the style." The statement that "tilings might have been worse" Is universally applicable, and tlieiefore people, instead of whining over their mi.srertuit"s,should make tlip. best of them, and do their best to remedy them. Sergeant Kite, recruiting, tried to bamboozle a Jail in Northumberland with, "Coml), my lad, 3 on'II fight for your Queen, won't yon?"—" right: for t'Queen ?" answered Andrew why,. hez she fulfil out wi' any body ? A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, on a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold. The boy hesitated a little. What said the leaehcr "can- not you tell ?" Yes, yes," replied the boy, "I have it at my fingers ends." Don't prevaricate, sir," thundered a California. judge to a witness from the mines.—" Can't help it judge," answered the miner. I. Ever since I got a kick from a mule that knocked my teeth out, I prevaricate a good deal." A judge, being present at the representation of "Pizai ro," fell asleep in the midst of Holla's speech to his troops. Mortifying as this must have Leert, Sheri- dan said, with his usual good hmaour, Let him tletp; he thinks he is on the bench." Two young Iiislimen happened to get into an affray In which ore of them was knocked down. His com- rade ran up to him, and cried out "Now, then, Den- nis, if ye be dead, can't ye spake?" I'm not dead but spacheless," said the other. A couple of di.iputaIious'neighbours were conlerding as to which is the oldest bu iness in the world, when the wife of one of them, with her babe in her arms, silenced them by declaring that the oldest business ia the world is the nursery business. A certain reverend doctor, preaching a very dull ser- mon to a strange congregation, many of them walked out of the church before the sermon was half ended. Truly, said a gentleman present, "this learned doctor has made a very moving discourse." "Do you not think, my dear," said a doting mother to her husband, that our Adolphus has a great talent for saying things which nobody else .'ays and also for saying things which )1"(ly ever ought to say," was the unfeeling response. Well, Sambo, what's yer up to nowadays?"— "Oh, I is the cai p'ner and jiner."—"He I xuos yer Is. What department do you perform?"—"Wlmt de- partment? Why, I does the circular work ?"—" What's dat?"—"Why, I turns the grindstone." An idle count and an idle abbe being in company to- gether, the coun t. hearing the word abbe always bandied about, was piqued, and asked the abbe where his abbey lay. i;iess me! do you not know it?" said the abbe. It is in your neighbourhood." Mr. Smith can't see win- his wife xV,:i',l object to his staying at the club bo Lite, simply because lie said, when he came home the other night. "My dear, it's the coldest year for many nights at fifteen degrees past ten, the clock stood sixteen minutes below freeze." An alderman was heard lately getting off the for- lowing specimen of what may be called "corporation" logic:—"AD human things are Inllow. I'm a human thing; therefore, I'm hollow. It is contemptible to be hollow therefore, I'll stutt myself as full as I'm able." A certain duke had a son, a student at college, and at the distribution of the prizes, this son returned home without a single one, at which the duke was very angry. Go, sir," said he to him, "f:o to bed— go Jock yourself up in your room, and bring me the kef. It is practicable to make home so d-dl^htful ihst children shall have no disposition to wand.' from it or prefer any other place. It is posfibtet. make it so attractive that it shall not only lirmly 1",1.1 its own loved ones,but shall draw others into its ch. rful circle. What a traveller you have become '"(claimed a New Yorker on meeting a political aequ intance in Cairo.—" Well, yes and to tell the truth was the frauk reply, "lam obliged to run about, the world to keep ahead of my chancter, for the moment it overtakes me I am ruined." Ii Ab," said Mrs. Partington, "laming is a great thing I've often felt the need of it. Wh; w, uld you believe it, I'm now sixty years old, and on'y know the names of three months in the year and tL." n's spring, summer, and autumn I larnt. the names oi ihem when I was a little bit of a gal A Missouri paper says that it has been p-oposod in the Legislature of that State to pips an At punishing by fine pauper who shall inflict lilli" if upon a *own where he does not belong, and sup e ts that. in case such an Act be passed, it shall 11180 )n <vide that the salaries of the legislators will be pai out of the tevenne derived from the payment of fines levied 011 the paupers. The best temperance agent, that can be rrot isa clein and well-ventilated home. No training, l o vever skil- fully conducted, no dieting or tectotali m, however rigid or prolonged, can bring a man info) ?ood con- dition, either of body or mind, so long iis I,c is con- demned to breathe an impure atmosphere Sanitary associations do well in teaching that M life is the blood, and that without pure air, healthy blood is but a name. A lady who was reoommending a medi ine for the consumption to a gentleman, said L'm ""Xll it will belpyou; I've heard a gicat many praise it t -the skies." doubt, lie replied; "for I'll warrant it has sent many to the skies to praise it." 11 Why, Mr. B," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half a dozen huge men. "I protest you are so small I did not see you befjre.— Very likely," replied the little gentleman I'm like ft sixpence among six copper pennies, not leadily per- ceived, but worth the whole of them. A sensible, affectionate, refined, practical woman Makes a man's nature ail the stronger by making it more tender—who puts new heart into all his worthy strivings, gives dignity to his prosperity, and comfor!: to his adversity. Every ti ue life wields a still greater power when it feels a living heart drawing it with irresistible force into every "position of duty.

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A WOMAN'S STRATAGEM. I

MR. BEECHER AND MRS. MOULTON.

THE COMIC PAPERS.

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A TALE OF OLD CHINA.

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NEW BARONETS.

OPEN-AIR PREACHING.

PROPOSED CESSION OF GAMBIA.j

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THE CONFIDENCE TRICK.

WHAT THE " WORLD" SAYS.

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THE MEBTHYE POST OFFICE I

LOCAL RAILWAY TIME TABLES.