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VARIETIES—GRAVE AND GAS.,

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VARIETIES—GRAVE AND GAS., Blunt men are generally sharp. A good floor manager—A broom. Only a matter of form—Tight lacing. A Connecticut revivalist is named A. Bipper. He Is said to be one. A girl never looks so killing as when she treaag on her dress.. A Question for Society ."—Are our blonde beauties the pale of society ? Promissory Notes.—Tuning the fiddles before the performance begins. Pray, madam, what makes you so sedate ? —" Oh, I have taken a sedative!" When rain falls does it ever get up again ? Of course it doea, in due (dew) time. Why do honest ducks dip their heads under water?— To liquidate their little bills. What is the best kind of shooting in winter ?—To have coals shot into your cellar. Why is a surgeon operating on a tumour like a dandy ? —Because he is cutting a swell. Why are a pin and a poker like a blind man ?—Be cause they have a head and no eyes. The Governor of Kentucky has made a six montht* old baby a colonel. Of infantry, of course. Fancy flourishes send many a letter to the dead letter office, and many a mortal to the almshouse. "Courtship is bliss," said an ardent young mnn. ••Yes, and matrimony is blister," snarled an old bachelor. Why should a clever wheelwright make a good barris- ter ?—Because he would be sure to be a capital spokes- man. A curiosity hunter would like to get some moss from the rock of a cradle, and a rafter from the roof of a mouth. What is it that is always kept perfectly dry, al- though there is a running spring in it all the time ?—A watch. Why is a colt getting broken like a young lady get- ting married ?—Because he is going through the bridle ceremony. They had a severe fall in Turks yesterday in Lon- don. Next time, won't somebody provide the poor fellows with Ottomans ? This is what a country editor perpetrates—" A flock of sheep composed of all wethers may be said to re-- ftemble our climate." If you ask the average man what time it is three seconds after he has restored his watch to his pocket he can't tell you. "He provoked me into loving him!" was a pretty girl's excuse for engaging herself to a man whom she had always professed to liate. A Whine from the East.—The claret is still flow. ing freely in the Turkish provinces, but the Porte is Very nearly exhausted. Patrick," said an old gentlemnn to his servant, "we are all creatures of fate." "Well, if it wasn't for fate how could we walk, sure ?" Talleyrand declared on one occasion that he de. spised mankind. The reason," observed Barms, is Very apparent; he has studied himself too deeply." A provincial "daily mentions an illfenud meet- ing of certain clergymen. The word intended was in- formal,"but the compositor said the copy was bad, and how should he know ? The following appears in a Kansas papef—"A mule kicked an insurance agent in this place on the tlieek the otlrer day. The agent's cheek was unin- jured, but the mule's hoof was broken." An old preacher, who had several calls to take a parish, asked his servant where lie should go, and the servant said—"Go where there is most sin, sir." And the preacher concluded that was good advice, and went where there was most muney. The Rev. Sydney Smith being asked by a lady why It was reported that there were more women in the ivorld than men, he replied, It is in conformity with the arrangements or Nature, madam; we always see more of heaven than of earth." There was a French singer with a tremendous voice who could not discover whafline ot art he was best ,tted for. He went to Cherubini, who told him to Iring. He sang, and the foundation trembled. Well," he said when he had finishe:), "illustrious master, what shall I become ?" Anauctioneev,"said Clierubini. A critic dropped into a studio in Paris one day, stopped before the portrait of a lady on the easel, and remarked:—" It is very nicely painted but why did you take such an ugly moJel ?" "It is my mother," calmly replied the artist. Oh pardon a thousand times," said the critic, in great confusion you are light; I ought to have perceived it. It resembles you Completely." An old Dublin beggar woman asked a lady the other day for a halfpenny. "I've nothing for yon," said the lady; but if you go to the soup-kitchen you'll get a pint of excellent soup." "Soup is it, ye mane?" bawled out the indignant men ticant do you call that stuff soup? Sure and I'll just tell ye how they make it; they get a quart of water, and then boil it down to a pint, to make it strong." A rich and Ingenious mechanician constructed a safe which he declared to be burglar proof. To oon- Vince the incredulous of the fact, he placed a JE500 note in his pocket, had liimsolf locked in the safe, with a liberal supply of provisions, and the key cast into the river, declaring that he would give the money to the man who unfastened the door. All the black- smiths and carpenters in the country have been borinf and blasting at that safe for a week with every kind of tool and explosive mixture known to science, and the man is there yet! He has whispered through the keyhole that lie will double Iherewaid if somo- body will only let him out. Ho has convinced every- body that it is,the safest safe ever invented. Fears are entertained that the whole concern will have to be melted down in the blast furnace before he is released, and efforts are to be made to pass in through the key- hole a fire proof jacket, to protect the inventor while the iron is melting. Lord William Lennox, a rider for a mercantile house in the City of London, was attacked, a fe v miltJh beyond Winchester, by a highwayman, who, taking hi in by surprise, robbed him of his purse and pocket book, containing cash and notes to a considerable amount. Sir," saill the rider, with grer.t presence of mil1.1, I have suffered you to take my property, and you are welcome to it. It is my master's, and the loss of it cannot do him much harm but, as it will look very cowardly in me to have been robbed without making any resistance, I should take it lindly of you just to fire a pistol through my coat." With all my heart," replied the highwayman wb^re will you have the ball ?" "Here," said the rider, "just by the side of the button." The highwayman WII" as food as h's word, but the moment he fired the rider nocked hini off his horse, and having stunned him with the blow, aided by a labourer wlw came up at the time, lodged him safely in Winchester Gaol. A lady of San Francisco (ciayg the Galifornian Scrap Book) is said to have occupied several years in hunting up and fitting together the following thirty eight lines, from thirty-eight English poets. The names of the authois aTe given against, each line :— LIFE. Why all thii toil for triumph of an hour ? Young. Life s a short summer, man a flower; Dr. Johnson. By turn we catch the vital breath and By turn we catch the vital breath and die l'ope. The cradle and the tomb, alas so nigh. Prior. To be is far better than not to be, Sewell. Though all man's life may seem a tragedy; Spenser. But light cares speak when mighty griefs are dumb, Daniel. The bottom is but shallow whence they come; Raleigh. Your fate is but the common fate of all; Longfellnc. TJnmingled joys, lure, no man b'jfa'l. Southwell. Nature to each allots his proper sphere, Gongreve. Fortune makes folly her peculiar care Churchill. Custem does not often reason overrule, Rochester. And throw a cruel sunshine on a fool. A rmstrong. Live well, however long or short permit to Heaven Milton. They who forgive most shall be most for- given. Bailey. Sin may be clasped so close we cannot see its face; Trench. Vile intercourse where virtue has not place; A omervtlle. Then keep each passion down, however dear, Thomson. Thou pendulum betwixt a smile and tear; J'yron. Her aensual snares let faithless pleasures lay, S„iollett. With craft and skill to ruin and betray. (Jrabbe. Boar not too high to fall, but stoop to rise; A r tfssinger. We masters grow of all that we despise. Cowley, Oh! then renounce that impious self- esteem; 7'at tie. Riches have wing* and grandeur is a dream. C«>per. Think not ambition wise because 'tis brave; Davcnant. The paths of glory lead but to the grave. t-ray. What is ambition? 'Tis a glorious cheat; 1 Villis. Only destruction to the brave and great. A 'Idison. "What's all the gaudy glitter of a crown ? J)ryden. The way to bliss lies not on beds of down. Vlarles. How long we live, not years but actions tell Watkivs. That man lives twice who lives the first lifo well. Ifcrrick. Make, then, while yet ye may, your God your friend. Mason. Whom Christians worship, yet not com- prehend. Ilill. The trust that's given guard, and to your- self be just; Dana. For, live how we can, yet die we must. Uncle Levi Now, Sammy, tell ma, hav-. you read the beautiful story of Joseph?" Sam: "Ob, yes, uncle." Uncle:" WeU, then, what wrong did they do when they sold their brother ?" Sam They sold him too cheap, I think." Young ladies who receive" degree of A.F. rave a decided advantage over the young gentlemen. One, who married when she took her degree, was 1II A In less than a year from her graduation. An obliging gentleman in America, who thmfcs •that personal favours do not cost much, while th,"r make friends, was applied to by a negro for a certili- oate of chartoter by which he might get a situation, tthe testimonial pmTing to be more complimentary than Scipio hiuselt expected, that worthy, 011 reco- vering from hla astonishment, exclaimed: Say, Mr. ■ ■■ won't you gib me awnething to do yourself on fet cMommsadation Y' r —

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