Skip to main content
Hide Articles List

23 articles on this Page

---VARIETIES-GRAYE AND GAY.

Detailed Lists, Results and Guides
Cite
Share

VARIETIES-GRAYE AND GAY. A shareholder.—A ploughman. Civil rights.—Obliging answer*. A crystal gliost.—A glass shade. Poverty never yet made a tyrant. Every art is improved by emulation. Elementary pages—Sheets of water. Discretion of speech is superior to eloquence. Vanity makes men ridiculous pride, odious. The nobleat deeds are those which convey property to you. He that will be angTy for everything will be angry for nothing. He that lias no silver in his purse should have silver on hiatongue. If we uae no ceremony towaids others, we shall be treated without any. Which bishop wears the largest hat?—The one with the largest head. If you would know a bad husband, look at his wife's countenance. The man who undertook to walk against Time has given np. But Time is still going ahead. Shure which is the entrauce out ?" asked an Irish- man at a railway-station the other day. What is mind ? No matter. What is matter ? Never aund. But what is mind ? Oh it's immaterial. What is the diffeience between a jeweller and a gaoler?—one sells watches and the other watcheseells. Peculating ulually begins with speculation. It is the second stage of the same complaint, and usually proves fatal. What is that has two buildings, two trees, two animals, and two fish?—The Human Body, vtz., two templea, two calves, and two soles. WhatM the earliest mention of a banking trans- action .—When Pharaoh received a check (cheque) on the Bank of the Red Sea, which was crowed by Moses and Aaron. The funniest incident that has lately transpired is the case of a doating mother, who, being satisfied that her child merited a flogging, insisted on his previously bting put under the influence of chloroform. What makes the milk so warm ?" asked a lady, the other morning, of the boy who delivered it. "I don't know, mum, I'm sure," answered the simple fellow, "unless they put hot water in it, instead of cold." A young man suffering from "hereditary gout" said he didn't mind the pain of it so much but,"said lie, the thought that some old ancestor had all the Can of acquiring this precious heirloom is what takes hold Acquaintance Table. 2 glances make 1 bow; 2 bows „ 1 how d'ye do. 6 how d'ye do'» ,,1 conversation. 4 conversations 1 acquaintance. When may a ship be said to be foolishly in love !— When she is attached to a buoy. When madly in love ?—When she is 'ankering after a herAvy swell. When ambitiously in luve ?—When she is making fora pier. "I don't miss my church so much as you suppose," laid a lady to her minister, who had called upon her during her illness; "for I make Betsy ait at the win- dow as soon as the bells begin to chime, and tell me who are going t. church and whether they have got anything new on." At a late public meeting the following dry" toast was given (the author of which got '"buttered" when he reached home):—" The press, the pulpit, and petti- eoats—the three ruling powers of the day the first spreads knowledge, the second spreads morals, and the last spread very considerably and indisputably." I haven't eaten a mouthful for two days," said a tramp, "andmy wife and three children are starving at home;" to which the philanthropist replied, "I would give you something, but I've nothing smaller than a five pound note."—"I will change it for you," laid the tramp, pulling out a well,tilled portetnonnaie. A fellow coming from the Alleghauies to New York, last winter, was atked whether it waa as cold there as in the city. He had probably been at some march of intellect school, for he glanced at the thermometer. Horribly cold," said he for they have no thermo- meters there, and, of course, it gets jud as cold as it pleases." A student was reprimanded by the professor for his lateness at morning prayerø,and excused himself on the plea that the prayers took place too late.—" How," eaid the professor, "il six o'clock too late!"—" Yes, sir," replied the student. "If you had them about four I could attend, but no man could be expected to atay up till six." A man went into a furniture room the other day, and sat down on a wooden-bottomed chair. He im- mediately arose, and danced and howled 1i1,e the wildest kind of dervish. The proprietor anxiously in- quired if he had an -ttack of any kind. "A tack!"yel!ed the man "I should say so and the confounded tbiug stood oU its Ilead tOf) A sick man was taken to a New York hospital but on looking round, he insisted on being allowed to leave at once. Why do you whh to leave?" asked one of the attendants.—" lJeeause," said he, "every man here has lost one leg, and some have lost two, and you ain't going to play that on me, not if I know myself, and I think I do." A friend was remonstrating with a vain young man on the absurdity of following foppish fashions; "they are really contemptible," said lie, and I am sure all who see you must think you ridiculous."—"I don't Talue the opiuion of the world," answered the irri- tated ^uppy, "I laugh at those who think me ridi- culous. Then you must be the merriest man alive," was the reply. "Doctor." said a waggish parishioner to a sound, yet somewhat dull pnacher, "I think I must have a pew nearer the pulpit than where I now have it." Why." Mid his minister, can't you hear well where you are?" Oh! yrl," was the reply; "but that ain't it. The fact ii, there are so many between me and the pulpit that by the time what you say gels back to where I am it is as flat as dishwater." How much better it would have been to have shaken hands and allowed that it was all a mistake ■aid a Detroit, judge. "Then the lioi. and the lamb would have lain down together, and white-robed pefOs would have fanned you with Iler wing. IInd ekvxted you with her smiles of approbation. Dut no you went to clawing and biting, and rolling in the mud—and here you are. It's five dollars a piece." A St, Louis lover gave up a m^tch with a 50,000 dollars heiress because she objected to smoking. So states an exchange. Another adds :— The nnid, ne hy the papers doth iippe ir, Whom lifty thousand dollars made so dear, To test Lothario's passion simply Kaid, "Forego the weed before we go to wed For smoke take flune I'll be that fhime's bright fan- ner To have your Anna give up your Havanna." But he, when thus sho brought him to the scratch, Lit his cig:«r and threw away the match. A young man at a social party Will urged to sing a BOiig, # He lepiiedI that he would first tell a story, and then if they peisisted in their demand, he would execute a song. "When a boy," he said, "lie took lessons in singing, ard on Sunday morning he went into his father's attic to practise by himself. When in full play lie was suddenly sent for by the old gent e man. 'This is pretty conduct,' said the father; 'pretty employment for the son of pious parents, to be sawing boards on Sunday morning, loud enough to behead by thetteighboura. Sit down and take your book." The yonnj man was excused from singing the proposed song. "GOOD wrvm." "Good wives to snails should be akin, Always their houses keep within ;— But not to carry (Faahion's hacks) All they are worth upon their backs. Good wivel, like City clocks, should be Exact, with regularity But not like City clocks, so louJ, Be heard by all the vulgar crowd. Good wivell like echo, tdiould be true, And speak but when they're spoken to ;— But not like echo, so absurd, To have for ever the last word Come here, my little man," said a reverend cate- fhist, and let me tee if you can repeat He fifth com- mandmeut." The scholar hung his head, but managed to repeat the answer very correctly. t. Now what is meant by hououring your father and moth r, my boy ?" Silence was the only reply on the part ot the scholar. "Doyoualwaysdowbat your parents bid you?" Still no reply. Come now do you always do what your father bids you?' Yea." was the rt .>dy answer. And do you do all as your mother bids y u?" Nae, na fear o' me And why not ?" Go\ ie if I was tae dae a' that she bids me she wid keep ine carryin' water a* day." Says the Brooklyn Argus'—They lid i JIOII an in- verted wash-tub (directly under a winder) dreaming wild dreams of love. With her great stmryeyes up- turned to him, she softly whispered, Wil you always, always love me, Warren?" and WMfh 11 murmured Mck- Till the sun grows cold, And the itars are old. And-" JThen he sprang tohisfeetin a wild pani and made frenzied efforts to get his face through a coating of something that seemed to have fallen from the clouds. Cleaning his eyes he shot one quick glance of hatred np to the window, made a bolt for the bat. k gate, and disappeared from the startled girl's side. Old gentle- man upstairs, murmuring to his wife, remarks, There, Malindy, I bet 500 dollars I've 1. stocked that blamed bowl of hot starch out of the winder, and upset the whole on't." The desolate maiden has n. lover now, but goes around with an unquiet glare in her downcast eye.. The modern Rochefoucauld says the average gorilla of Central Africa now points to Stanley mid his band of explorers, and pathetically reminds its grandchil- dren that it is what they may one day expect to come Man," says Victor Hugo, was the conundrum of the eighteenth century woman is the conundrum cf the nineteenth century."An American editor adds, "We can't guess her,but will never give her up. No, never. Two or three months agj a Detroitor started to build a house,and,as he had always heard his wife jaw- ing around" about the lack of cupboards in houses, he determined to give her an agreeable surprise. She went up with him a day or two ago, and he pointed out eleven different cupboards to her, and asked, •• Now what do yet -7 tIt Well," she replied, after etnoiher leoh around, if there was another cvyboard Dff the hall, I'd So willing to live and die here.

[No title]

AFFAIRS IN ASHANTEE.

DR. KENEALY, M.P., IN CHANCERY.

MR. BRIGHT AND HIS CONSTITUENTS.

MR. HOLMS ON THE ARMY.

[No title]

[No title]

SAD CASE OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.

EXTRAORDINARY CHARGE.

WHAT THE "WORLD" SAYS.

Advertising

THE JEFFERSON BORDEN.

CHURCH AND DISSENT.

[No title]

[No title]

TURKEY AND HER CHRISTIAN SUBJECTS.

THE BRITISH WORKMAN.

[No title]

[No title]

THE MERTHYR POST OFFICE

LOCAL RAILWAY TIME TABLES

[No title]