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DRUSK OR DYING. t

THE COMIO PAPERS.

SPELLING BEE AT BRISTOL.

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VARIETIES—GR A VE AK"; GAY.…

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VARIETIES—GR A VE AK"; GAY. Everything great is not always good; but all good things are great. Young folks grow most when in love. It increases their sighs wondetfully. Unfriended indeed is he who has no friend bold enough to point out his faults. In the heart of every man eminently great, the lio-i and the lamb dwell together. When do the teeth usurp the tongue's preroga- tive ?—When they are chattering. He who has a good son-in-la.. lias found a child he who has a bad one has lost a daughter. The young woman who was driven to distraction," j now fears that she will have to walk back. Schoolmaster: What's the meaning of npparent, boy? Boy Your mother, sir, or the old man. A man's good fortune often turns his head his bad fortune as often averts the heads of his friends. The politician who recently fell in the estimation of the public," is now trying to cratvl up again. Not that which men do worthily, but that which they do successfully, is what history makes lnste to record. It was said of an inveterate gossip that she even trimmed her bonnet with the feathers of a flying humour." "Is that cheese rich?" asked Mr. Bloggs of his grocer.—" Yes," was the candid reply:there's mil- lions in it." I want some of that kind of sonp," said a little girl to a grocer, with which people are washed overboard at sea." What is the largest word in the English language: —Smiles because there is a mile between the fr,t and last letters, "No, ma'am," said a grocer to an applicant for credit, I don't trust anybody these days, I would not even trust my feelings." We frequently see it stated that a scheme is on foot. Wouldn't a scheme be advanced fasterif it could be got on horseback ? Foote expressed the belief that a certain miser would take the beam out of his own eye, if he knew he could sell the timber. An uncle left eleven silver spoons to his nephew in his will, adding, He knows the reason I have not left him the whole dozen." It is a rather curious paradox that when people come to what is commonly called high words, they generally use low language. A physician writes asking the renewing of a bill, and says :—" We are in a horrible crisis there is not a sick man in the district." A musical author, being asked if he had composed anything lately, replied, "My last work was a com- position with my creditors." A gentleman received a telegram from a friend, and handed it to his wife. "Dear me," she replied "howbadly Mr. Jones writes." After all," says an old doctor, "there are only two kinds of disease, the one of which you die, and the other of wbich you don't." Traveller (to landlord): "Shew me a room with a good fire in it, for I am very wet and send me in a tankard of ale, for I'm very dry." Always laugli when you can—it is a cheap medi- cine. Merriment is a philosophy not well understood. It is the sui ny side of existence. The lady who was married in a balloon in Cincinnati the other day has since shewn how it affected her by blowing up her husband sky high. "What do you think is the best size for a man?" drawled a lazy fop, who was talking to his physician. Exercise," sternly replied the doctor. Those persons who have nothing but eulogy for themselves, have generally nothing but censure and contempt for all the rest of the world. A gentleman at an hotel complaining of the difficulty of getting waited upon, the landlord replied, "Of course you must expect inn attention here." A young lady on being asked what calling she wished her sweetheart to follow, blushingly replied that she wished him to be a husbandman. To a squire who was boasting of his horse's speed, Foote, the witty comedian, replied "Pooh, my horse will stand faster than yours will gallop." A man being asked, as he lay sunning himself on the grass, what was the height of his ambition, replied, To marry a rich lady with a bad cough." A Yankee who recently returned to New York from Newfoundland, says that the fog is so thick theie that he used to drive a nail in it to hang his hat on. "I keep dreaming every night," said a young man, "that I strike my bare feet against a sharp nail. What shall I do to stop it ?"—" Sleep with your shoes on." Some one lias remarked, somewhere, that it is a lu;ic rous sight to behold a physician attending his patient's funeral it looks so like a tailor taking his work noin r. Lady Yarmouth asked Garrick one day why Love was always represented as a child. He replied, "Be cause Love never reaches the age of wisdom and exper. ence." A Yankee in a trance, who was supposed to be dead, was laid out on ice, but he awoke, and startled his watchers by yelling, "Why don't you keep up a better fire ?" A man of rank, hearing that two of his female rela- tions had quarrelled, risked, Did they call each other ugly?".—"N0."—" Well, well; I shall soon reconcile them." Dean Swift said It is with nairow souled people as it is with narrow-necked bottles; the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out.' A young doctor, on being asked to contr.bute to- wards enclosing and ornamenting a cemetery, very coolly replied that in filling it he thought he should do his part. "For want of water," said an Italian, I nm forced to drink water; if I had water, I would drink wine. He kept a vineyard, and the drought had killed his vines. Some young men in Louisville having formed an anti-lift-your-hat-to-a-woman-society, the young la-lits of the Western city propose forming an anti-bow- to-a-puppy-club. Albert Smith's literary signature, A. S. was once shewn to Douglas Jerrold, at which the wit re- marked, "Ah, that's a fellow who never tells more than two-thirds of the truth." Don't be too anxious to solve a conundrum. We know a man who got two black eyes in endeavouring to find out the difference between a man and a woman fighting in the street. This conversation was overheard in a barber's :— Barber: "Thin out. your hair a bit, sir?"—Customer: "No, never mind. My wife attends to that. But just oil it well." A convict, who wns about to be sent to the House of Correction, was told they would set him to picking oakum. Let 'em try it," said he; "I'll tear the thing to pieces The man who always tells an unvarnished tale has just been presented with lialf-a-crown by the Me.tdax. Whopper Society, it older that he may procure some needed material. "Is the shoe too small?" tenderly asked a fond swain of his sweetheart, who was moaliÎlIg about cramped toes. Oh, no The shoe is all right, hut my foot is too big, that's all." A young candidate for the legal profession was asked what lie should do first when employed to bring an action. "Ask for money on account," was the prompt reply. lie passed. A countryman, seeing a vessel very heavily laden and scarcely above the water's edge, exclaimed- Upon my word, if the sea was a little higher, the ship would go to the bottom." Erskinepuzzled the Hi ts of his acquaintance by in- sciibing on a tea chest the words Tu doces." It was some time before they found out the wit of this literal translation—" Thou tcaehest." One day, a person pointed out a man who had a profusion of rings on his fingers to a cooper. A)), master," said the artisan," it's asure sign of weakness when so many hoops are used." All flesh is grass." Two farmers near Greenbush, United St iteo, contesting the ownership of grass in a graveyard, fell to cutting each other with scythes, and one of them is now no mower. Whew we see God's hand in any passing trouble, the pain is not gone, but the bitterness is for there is positively something allied to pleasure in feeling His hand near us, even though it hold a rod. Never be ashamed of confessing your ignorance, for the wisest mall npan the earth is ignorant of many things, insomuch that what lie knows is merely nothing ill comparison with what lIe does not know. A Frenchwoman once said that she never loved any- tiling. *'You loved your children," suggested a friend. — When they were little," she replied.—"And you love diamonds,"—When they are large," she replied. The following advertisement appears in a Canadian paper:—"Will the gentleman who stole my melons last Saturday night be generous enough to return me a few of the seeds, as they rre a choice vaiiety "Isay,boy,isthatthf fire?" asked a gentleman of a ragged urchin,pointing to a dense volume of f-moke that was issuing from the windows of a warehouse.— No, sir, that is only the smoke," replied the boy. A crusty old gentleman, not liking the way his land- lady's daughter had of making free with his hair oil, filled his bottle with liquid glue, the day before a hall to which the gill was invitell-antl she stayed at home. A Yankee writer speaks of a hut so miserable that it didn't know which way to fall, and so kept standing. This is like a man that bad such a complication of dis- eases that he didn't know which to die of, and so lived on. The fate which men receive i3 oil the whole the fate which most men merit; and, though it is not al- ways ihe rule, it is for the most part true that the success which is deserved is also the success that is commanded. By love's delightful influence the attack of ill-humour is resisted, the violence of our passion is abated, all the injuries of the world are alleviated, the bitter cup of affliction is sweetened, and the sweetest; flowers are plentifully strown along the most thorny path of life. Garrick, in order to covcr his own stinginess, ii said to have spoken of his partner Lacy's love of money; :\11c1 Murphy asked, "Why on earth doesn't Garrick take the beam out of his own eye before attacking the mote in other He is not sure," re- plied Foote, of selling the timber." Take heart, all who toil—all youths in lmmble situa- tions, all in adverse circumstances, and those who libour unappreciated. If it bo but to drive the plough, strive to do it wcU if only to cut boltf, make good ones or to blow <ehe bellows, keep the iro.u hot. It is attention to business that lifts thu feet higher upon the ladder-

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