The Aberystwith Observer

LONDON CORRESPONDENCE. We deem it risrht, to state we do not at all times identify ourselves with our Correspondent's opinions. The celebration of Twelfth Night" appears somewhat to dwindle in popularity as the years go on, but certain features which attend it in London, social as well as ecclesiastical, will con- tinue to prevent the old festival from being for- gotten. For it is upon the Feast of the Epiphany that the Queen's gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh are offered at the altar of the Chapel Royal, St. James's. This is always a solemn and somewhat striking ceremony. The Bishop of London, as Dean of the Chapels Royal, takes the leading part in the service, and at a stated point, after being conducted by a verger from his own pew to the altar, that official retires and conducts from the Royal pew two officers of the household, representing her Majesty, who, clad in full uniform, proceed up the aisle and, kneeling at the altar rails, present the Queen's gifts in small red bags to the bishop. As many persons as can get into the small chapel are customarily present on these occasions, and they cannot fail to be charmed with the excellent singing of the choir. There is an element of old-fashionedness about the whole surroundings, whether of church music or furniture, for no startling innovations are even to be looked for at a chapel royal. One of the characteristic features of a London day was to be noted by any visitor to St. James's for the Epiphany celebration, and that was the playing of the band in the courtyard of the palace, which was just concluding as the service was about to begin. This musical exer- cise takes place every morning at ten o'clock, and even in unpropitious weather seldom fails to draw a crowd of listeners. No one can quite realise what a number of people reside in London who have nothing definite to do until they go to St. James's Palace a few mornings, and witness the throng which listens to the band. All sorts and conditions are to be found among the crowd and while many of the persons who com- pose it look as if they ought to be at work but do not know where to obtain it, there are a number of others who equally ought to be em- ployed but obviously have no intention of putting themselves cut of the way in search of re- munerative toil. The same sort of thing is to be noted at various other points in the capital where similar gatherings congregate London-bridge, for instance, is never without its crowds of idlers lounging over the parapet, watching the coming and going of the steamers, and obviously purposeless of aim or intent. And in any of our streets, if there is a dog fight or a quarrel between a couple of women, to say nothing of a fire, a crowd seems to spring out of the earth ready to remain any length of time in order to see the finish of the business. Where they come from and what they do for a living is a puzzle. There they are, and there they will always be-that is the only conclusion to which the observer can come. Those who stroll by the Palace of Westminster just now will see that an important addition to the historic hall is proceeding rapidly towards completion. When the old law courts, super- seded by the Palace of Justice in the Strand, were demolished, it was felt that something would have to be put in their place, for their removal exposed to view one wall of Westminster Hall in a very naked and unpicturesque fashion. As is the case in all matters architectural, a dispute as to what was the right thing to put there raged fast and furious for a considerable period but at length it was resolved by the Chief Com- missioner of Works to accept the plans of Mr. John Pearson for erecting cloisters on the site, and it is these which have now progressed so far that the roofing is nearly completed. What will be the use of them when they are ready for oc- cupation is not exactly known, but there are various ways in which they can be put to advantage and in any case, they are so designed that they will not detract from, but rather add to, the beauty of the finest architectural pile which London possesses. Not only children who live in the metropolis, but a great number of those who, at one time or another, have come up from the country, will be mournfully interested in the fact that "Punch," the oldest lion in the Zoo- logical Gardens—and believed, in fact, to be the oldest in Europe — is believed to be dying. He was a noble old fellow, for not only was his head so handsomely shaped as to be a model for sculptor or painter, but he was gentle to a high degree, and he had won the affection of his keeper to an extent which was positively touching. It was with a voice almost broken by tenderness that the keeper told an inquirer a few days ago that all that could be done for the poor animal had been done that they could not give him any medicine, and that he refused to touch even the daintiest food. And so Punch" had to lie on his straw bed, unable to move, and waiting patiently for the end to which old age was surely bringing him. All those who ever saw him in his full time of health and grandeur will agree in regretting that the close of the fine old animal's life has apparently now so nearly come. There was a time when the London appren- tices might almost have been called a power in the land, and in many a romance they have figured with their cry of clubs as the de- fenders of their own privileges and the general liberty of the citizens. But for a considerable period the apprenticeship sytem has been a dwindling one, and in the opinion of many skilled persons this will account for some of the loss of England's manufacturing supremacy. Whether this be so or not, a determined effort has lately been made to revive the system, and, in order to encourage it, an Apprentices' Exhi- bition has just been held at the People's Palace, in the East of London. From the time of its opening by the Prince of Wales to its closing a few days ago, this wras a great success, and it should do much to stimulate the energies of the apprentices themselves. So striking were its effects that the suggestion has already been made to hold similar exhibitions in our largest industrial centres, and if this be carried out, good would be practically certain to result. There is much demand in these days for technical education, and, in the opinion of many, the best form in which this can be administered is by actual service at the bench or in the workshop. And it is just such actual service which the apprenticeship system supplies. The complete destruction by fire of two English theatres within a week has once more drawn attention to the extreme insecurity of this species of property, even when it is officially described to be composed of "fire-proof" materials. It most happily was the case that in each instance the audience had left the building before the conflagration occurred, and the imagination fails to picture the horrors we have been spared by that fact. As was shown most lamentably at Exeter last September, an audience which has lost its presence of mind is almost certainly doomed to destruction; and what large assembly of human beings can be ex- pected to preserve that presence of mind in face of what may seem certain death in the most fearful of all its forms ? Perhaps the only lesson taught by the latest fires is that gas is absolutely dangerous in theatres, and that the electric light will have to be made compulsory. It is not only that gas creates peril by its flame, but that the heat it evolves dries the surrounding woodwork almost to tinder point, and that, therefore, any chance spark is liable to produce a blaze. It is now evident that all talk of "fire-proof" con- struction is worse than useless; it is dangerous because so illusory; and the only thing to be done is to minimise the danger as far as pos- sible by strict attention to the lighting arrange- ments. Absolute safety will never be able to be guaranteed, but experience should teach us how near to it we can approach, and we should profit accordingly. The Times has lately been celebrating its centenary, and a provincial paper has thought that it could not do better than show its readers that it had lived even longer than the leading journal. It has accordingly done so in practical fashion by issuing a fac simile of its issue of a date in January, 1788, and no one can see it without feeling interested in the comparison it affords between both newspapers and news of then and now. Among the intelligence it con- tains is set forth The Flame of Liberty blazes in every part of France." From Vienna we learn that the greatest Preparations for War against the Turks are going on and Every new Occurrence indicated the unsettled State of the Dutch;" while one of the advertisements refers to a Society for the Purpose of effecting the Abolition of the Slave Trade." There is one point of resemblance between 1788 and 1888, however, which will come home to the heart of every trader the credit system was obviously as obnoxious then as now and the sympathy of many people to-day will go out to the long-since departed newspaper proprietor who announced regarding his advertisements that ready money is expected with all." A number of proprietors would like to say that to-day, if they could feel sure of being able to stand by the declaration. A. F. R.

THE GREAT FAILURE IN PARIS. With reference to the great failure on the Paris Bourse, the Paris correspondent of the Standard says M. Kaltenbach's failure to meet his engagements caused much excitement, His liabilities were esti- mated at over 15,000,000fr., and it was rumoured that many of the important firms of the coulisse, and even some of the agents de change were so heavily hit that it was impossible to say whether there would not be numerous failures. As is almost invari- ably the case the ffrst reports were an exaggera- tion of the truth. The deficit is, the correspondent is informed by an important firm of the coulisse, about 9,750,000fr. M. Kaltenbach had been speculating during some months for the fall in Rio Tinto Shares, and also in the shares of the Panama and Suez Canals. He did not confine his transactions to the Paris Bourse, but also operated on the London Stock Exchange, where he paid his differences last settling day. It was stated that he had only a few months ago a fortune of something like 50,000,000 francs, and that he has lost the whole of it by these speculations and by speculations in copper, of which he was a seller for a large amount. The consequence of the failure would have been greater if the leading members of the coulisse had not gone to the principal buyers of Rio Tinto Shares, who responded to this step by placing at the disposal of the coulisse 40,000 Rio Tinto Shares, at the price of 550 francs. A GIANT BOURSE GAMBLER. The City correspondent of the Standard says: Kaltenbach seems to have been a giant among Bourse gamblers. Credulous people assert that last year, or at some recent date he was worth £500,000, and that now he has not only lost all that, but is nearly as much to the bad.' We do not believe these figures. Although it is probable enough that the differences in his favour were at one time very large, just as they are now heavy against him, it is most unlikely that he had ever at his command a free fortune the tenth part of that stated. But that he was a giant speculator is proved by the fact that about £750,000 Egyptian United Stock alone was thrown on the market here to-day by his brokers, and he was a large speculator for the rise also in Suez Canal Shares, besides having a heavy account open for the fall in Rio Tinto Shares, and minor gambles in other Stocks. His failure involves quite a number of arbitragists here in losses more or less severe, but no one among them is expected to fail. In Paris the sensation and fright produced by the smash was so great that the coulisse, or outside brokers, shut up shop and stopped business for the day. What the after effects of the failure will be there is not yet known, but here it has left the market distinctlv healthier." According to the City correspondent of the Daily News M. Kaltenbach seems to have been a Bear of 45,000 Rio Tinto shares, a Bull of various foreign bonds, and a speculator in almost everything, not ex- cluding coffee. He is said to have paid £ 240,000 in differences last month, and to be further indebted for 10,000,000fr. He made a fortune in Singapore some years ago, but the copper combination overpowered his resources. The offer of a small percentage to general creditors is talked of.

THE FAMILY PHYSICIAN OF THE FUTURE. The course of development which lies before the general practitioner is a problem which (says the Lancet) can hardly fail to interest the majority of his neighbours, both within and without the pale of his pro- fession, almost as much as himself. Is he to remain as heretofore the man of wide intellignce and of many resources, or is he doomed to labour in a sphere narrowed on every side by the encroachments of specialism, the scene of his former victories divided, subdivided, and allotted to men of one idea ? To the latter suggestion we have no reply but an em- phatic negative. Similar in its purport, we are pleased to observe, is the treatment of this question by Dr. Andrew Smith in an address read before the Academy of Medicine of New York. The present comparative seclusion of medi- cine among the liberal professions he ascribes to a want of public spirit in dealing with many matters affecting the common health rather than that of the individual alone. If it would appear in its natural position as an influential reforming force, a change in this direction is necessary. It must, he assures us, concern itself with a variety of. human interests with which mere surgical skill and the chemistry of prescriptions have little to do. Generality of the broadest kind should characterise the views of its members, whose representative will be found in a family practitioner possessing an ex- tensive knowledge of the causes of disease and the means of its prevention. He is to be a custodian of the health of families, and will occupy with regard to them a position similar to that of the solicitor with re- ference to property. Itshallbehisdutytokaep an exact record of the life-history of his patients,and to guide their course in life in- accordance with the information thus acquired. The scheme is, doubtless, an attractive one: it presents alike to the practitioner and his charge a prospect of life-long mutual benefit, and it promises to science a means of accurate investigation. In discussing the merits of any such project as this, however, we must ask ourselves how far its efficient execution can be relied on; and we are bound to confess that here, it seems to us, the credit of theory has been somewhat too largely drawn upon. It is hardly to be expected that any considerable number of families will give themselves into the hand of a medical adviser to be continuously guided and con- trolled, even in the interest of their physical well being. The question of expense alone must limit the application of such a plan to the case of a relative minority rather wealthy than poor. There is about it, also, too much of the sanitarian, too little of the medical element; and we must remember that, notwithstanding the recent advances of hygiene, the power of therapeutics will not soon, if ever, cease to hold an important posi- tion. While, therefore, we respect the scientific accuracy and the preventive skill of the promised physician, we should ourselves prefer and expect to be represented by one of somewhat more practical, though allied, character. The general practitioner of the future, we consider, should still essentially re- semble his predecessors. More learned, he certainly will be, as well as more skilful in details of practice, because endowed with greater advantages of training but he will also, doubtless, like them, continue to treat the whole man by prevention and by cure, and will be limited in the exercise of his functions only by necessary considerations of time and opportunity.

WHEN may a clock be said to conceal itself?- When it gets behind time. MOST men like to see themselves in print," but women don't. They prefer silk or satin WHY should you never tell a man to take a back seat ?-Because, if you do, he'll be sure to take af-front. How is it you have so many young men call on you ?" asked a jealous girl. Because," was the re- ply, father has the gout in one foot and the rheuma. tisin in the other; besides, we don't keep a dog." ]

MR. S. PLIMSOLL ON IRISH AFFAIRS On Monday evening Mr. S. Plimsoll (formerly M.P. for Derby) addressed a meeting in the Temperance Hall, Derby, on the question of Home Rule. Mr. Plimsoll, who was most cordially received, said that he had no idea whatever, until very recently, of taking any part in the public discussion of the Home Rule question, but recently the acts of the executive Government had rapidly succeeded each other-so utterly repugnant to all one's ideas of justice-not to mention generosity or magnaminity, that he felt com- pelled to face the subject fairly and then decide upon his course. The considerations which had hitherto held him in doubt were these. It seemed to him that there would be great difficulty at the outset to frame such a measure of Home Rule as would satisfy the Irish members and at the same time have any chance of passing through the House of Com- mons. It appeared to him that to pass at all it would have to be so colourless as to leave us with the certainty to encounter further and fuller demands after a short interval. The great difficulty, too, of settling the monetary arrangements between Ireland and England he thought would be very great, such as the appointment of the National Debt, how far Ireland should be required to undertake her own defence, and, if this was not required of her, what part of the cost of the army and navy she ought to bear. Even if these initial difficulties were overcome, the poverty of Ireland would probably in a short time lead to an agitation for the reduction of any amounts which had been agreed upon-even if her inability to pay arose from an unwise fiscal policy, or a defective or possibly corrnpt administration. Nor could he ignore the consideration of the objections used by the opponents of Home Rule, as that the contemplated Irish Parliament might levy duties upon our manufacturers, as Canada and other of our colonies had done-might even, exasperated as she was, seek alliance with France to embarrass England. (Hear, hear.) Then the fact that John Bright disapproved of Home Rule was a most impor- tant consideration to him, for he remembered with gratitude the vast services he had rendered to the nation in years gone by. There was also the difficulty of Ulster, which contained a large number of Pro- testants who were adverse to the legislation. He would tell the meeting how—in his intense desire to escape from the intolerable shame which had been brought upon us all by the recent acts of the Government-he had seen his way clear to dispose of these important matters. As to the first two of these objections, he said at once that he saw no other way of getting over them than in trusting to the statesmanship of Mr. Gladstone—(ap- plause)-and they knew he would not ask their trust if he did not see his way. (Renewed applause.) As to the third objection-the possible future difficulties of Home Rule-they must trust to Providence and the future, and deal with any difficulties as they arise and on their merits. "Be just and fear not" must be their motto. With regard to the fourth objection- that Ireland might possibly levy Protective duties on manufacturers-he had no fear whatever. He would now turn to the important fact of John Bright's hos- tility to Home Rule-a fact so influential with him that more than once when he was mentally deciding for Home Rule his (Mr. Bright's) example prevented his doing so. Most assuredly it did not arise from lack of love of justice that Mr. Bright was not with Mr. Gladstone in this matter, and that he was a tower of strength to the Tories-a tower so strong that it was his conviction his secession alone from the Tories would inevitably shatter the present Government. (Applause.) If Cobden had been living, he thought from a loving study of his life that he would have been on Mr. Gladstone's side. (Cheers.) And he (Mr. Plimsoll) did not despair of seeing Mr. Bright on that side yet. (Applause.) His position must be well- nigh intolerable-he knows that Free Trade is im- measurably more important than Home Rule, for whilst we could conceivably give content to Ireland without Home Rule (especially if they could put aside their religious intolerance against Roman Catholics), Mr. Bright knew-no one better-that a return to Pro- tection as it existed up to 1849 would send enforced idleness, gnawing 'hunger, gaunt famine, fever, disease, and death into the homes of the vast majority of our people. Then again, Mr. Bright's justice-loving soul must be revolted at what was now passing in Ireland. The speaker at some length then dealt with Irish affairs, and said these persecutors were commended to the country as statesmen, while if they possessed any particle of the quality of states- manship, would they insult and oppress our fellow- subjects ? The great and glorious task was in their own hands-to redress the injustice of centuries and to strike down the tyranny of to-day—to obliterate sullen hatred, and cast even the memory of the wrongs into the abyss of forgetfulness-by granting to their brethren in Ireland that control over Irish affairs which they now had over their own. (Ap- plause.)

A HORRIBLE DEATH. Dr. Hunter Hughes has held an inquest at Pentre- felin, near Portmadoc, on the body of Robert Owen aged 83 years. The deceased lived at Mnydd Du Farm, with his son, the tenant, and was accustomed to walk round the barns and outbuildings, and then return to the house. On the day of his death, taking two grandchildren with him, he left the house and got as far as the cowhouse, when the children went back. Afterwards the boys went to see the little pigs in the back yard, and there they found their grandfather lying on the floor of the pigsty, while a sow was in the act of devouring his body. The brute was driven away, and the remains were removed to the house. The sow had eaten the deceased's face, throat, and neck. It had completely severed the head from the trunk, and with its power- ful tusks had also stripped great pieces of flesh off the body. The supposition is that the old man went to the pigsty to see the litter of pigs, and that while there the sow either attacked him, knocked him down, and then worried him to death, or else that he had a fit, and while unconscious was attacked, with the horrible results described. The brute was not known to be more vicious than other sows are when in charge of a litter. The jury found a verdict in accordance with the facts.

Mr. J. A Picton, M P., succeeds Mr. Broadhurst Oft the Royal Commission to inquire into market rights and tolls.

LORD SALISBURY AT j LIVERPOOL. Lord Salisbury, addressing a great meeting in Hengler's circus at Liverpool on Wednesday night, said it was just a year since he received the Seals from Her Majesty's hands as Foreign Secretary. He could now present his report on the year's proceedings, and he maintained that that report was favourable. The noble marquis reviewed the changes of tactics on the part of Mr. Gladstone with regard to Home Rule, and vindicated the policy which Ministers had adopted. The statements of the ex-Premier and of Mr. Shaw Lefevre in respect to Conservative opinion upon Home Rule were denied and the charge against the Government of paltering with Free Trade principles was answered in some detail. Mr. Gladstone, the Premier went on to say:—He spoke about it at Dover, and lie not only said all kinds of things about me, but he said that Lord Hartington and Mr. Goschen were not to be trusted in the matter of free trade. That did seem to me the most grotesque misstatement which it was possible for a man to make, and to show the poverty of the resources which were still at his disposal for the purpose of his party. (Cheers.) There is a character in Pilgrim's Progress who is called Mr. Facing-both-ways. (Laughter.) Since the time of that eminent man there is nobody who has had to solve the problem which my friend has just put. (Laughter.) To go back to Free Trade. Mr. Glad- stone was pleased to say that my statements were very unclear and difficult to understand, and lie coupled with that a compliment to my intellect which im- plied that I was very insincere. Mr. Gladstone's com- pliments usually have a back-handed blow of that kind. (Laughter.) I am afraid that on the question of clearness of explanation my ideas are not exactly similar to Mr. Gladstone's. (A voice: I hope not.") But at least I know that when he clearly explains his future policy in respect to Ireland it costs me several hours of hard study, and I end with a bad headache. (Laughter.) I wish to say a few words to illustrate and enforce the statement to which lie took exception. The statement was that I objected to Protection, but that I did not on that account approve of all the fiscal arrangements and all the fiscal doctrines to which Mr. Gladstone had given his sanction. I believe that many fiscal doctrines injurious in their character, and not only consonant with free trade, but absolutely opposed to it, are sheltered under its broad mantle, and you are required to believe them. (Cheers.) Let ire give you one or two illustrations. Mr. Forwood—(cheers)—alluded in terms of just praise to the efforts of my friend Baron Henry de Worms—(cheers) -in favour of abolishing bounties upon sugar. (Loud cheers.) Now that is one very good case in point. What does bounty on sugar do ? It favours the con- sumer-undoubtedly it does-and what I may call your free trader presumes that everything that favours the consumer, whether it be legitimate or whether it be not, must be sanctioned by the doctrine of free trade and so you see people writing in the newspapers that because it is good for the consumer it ought to be encouraged. They do not see that advantages to the consumer secured by illegiti- mate means are only transitory in their character, and that when they have served the purpose of destroy- ing the industry against which they have been levelled the advantage to the consumer will cease. (Cheers.) Let me take another matter-the duties upon articles of luxury-articles such as silks and laces, and wines, and so on. (Hear, hear.) It is of course very desirable to admit them free if you had no taxes, but the question is which bears heaviest on the springs of industry-a tax which afflicted the man who used lace and silk and wine, or a tax which afflicts the ordinary income-tax payer ? (Hear, hear.) Why, it is obvious that you might stop the whole consumption of laces and silks and wine without inflicting a very deep wound on the well- being of the country, but the weight which the income- tax places on the springs of prosperity and of industry is very serious indeed. (Hear, hear.) I must correct this by saying that I am discussing now an abstract point. Do not imagine that I am giving you what is called an advance copy of Mr. Goschen's Budget. (Laughter and cheers.) I think that many of the steps Mr. Gladstone induced us to take were unwise steps but you very often cannot retrace your steps, even when the direc- tion in which they were originally taken was one which you ought not to have adopted and therefore there are many reasons which will prevent our return to a sound position which would not have been strong enough to have induced us originally to abandon it. Now, let me give you another point. I speak in regard to railway rates, Railway rates, as you know, are so adjusted in this country that it is often cheaper to send a thing from New York through Liverpool to London than from Manchester to Birmingham. The result is that the foreigner gets an artificial protection imposed by our laws. The con- sumer undoubtedly benefits for the moment, but the effect is to deprive native industry of the ad- vantages it would otherwise enjoy, and where that industry is destroyed we will find that consumer and producer on English soil are bound up in a common loss. (Cheers.) Let me take one other instance, in which I think you in this district feel some interest. I mean the question of limited liability com- panies. The principle of limited liability companies is exceedingly sound, enabling the small capitalists to unite together in order to do what before only large capitalists could do. It was very sound as long as only small capitalists were there, but when it be- came extended from small capitalists to people who subscribed their-unbounded expectations—(cheers)— then the result was no longer beneficial. No doubt for the moment it might lower prices, and so benefit the consumer but what it did was to introduce falseness and hollowness into trade, to lower wages, to compete with sound manufactures and undertakings, and gradually to produce severe depression in the industry to which it was attached. (Hear, hear.) It is another case to warn you that you should not be deluded by the mere fact that the consumer is advantaged into thinking that, simply because he gains, therefore the arrangements under which he gains must be sound. You must look beyond, and ask first what sort of consumer Le is—whether he is a luxury consumer or a consumer of necessaries, and then whether the arrangements under which he gains is one which, under sound principles, can be approved, and which is, therefore, likely to endure. (Hear, hear.) I am afraid you will think that I have gone some way in exposing Mr. Gladstone's kind comments upon my speech, but unfortunately, as we sit in different Houses, this is the only opportunity that I have. (Cries of Go on," and Give it him hot and cheers.) Lord Salisbury claimed that in regard to Ireland public opinion had rallied to the cause of law and order, and argued that consolidation rather than separation, was alone the remedy for the evils under which both Ireland and England suffered. Vacillation had been England's great crime against Ireland in the past. It was our half-hold of Ireland that had done all the mischief. There was no coercion in the present Government of Ireland; all they desired was to enforce the Sixth and Eighth Commandments. No Government, concluded the noble Marquis, can succeed, no Government can last— I do not care by what theories it is sustained or on what reasoning it is based-unless it shows that it can govern, that it can form a distinct theory of Government, can act with consistency of purpose, and maintain its resolution to th3 end. (Hear, hear). It is now for you to say whether you have that tenacity and that resolution. If you have it not, it will be announcing to the world that the qualities by which your Empire is built up are no longer there to sustain it, and that it is at the mercy of the first acci- dent that will throw it down. But I am convinced that this is not the truth, and that in spite of the con- sistent prophecies that we hear around us that the resolution to enforce the law must disappear the day of the first contested election—I am convinced that those who speak this language misread the true character, the true firmness of purpose of the democracy of England. (Cheers.) At all events, be sure that the dearest interests of your sister country and the great Empire which has come down to you from your fathers depend upon your resolution and tenacity in the present instance. Be worthy of those from whom you have inherited this great trust, and show to posterity that it was not any fall, but rather a rise, rather a great advance in the destinies of Eng- land, that trusted the sacred trust of the integrity of the Empire and the prosperity of the vast institutions it contains to one of the most democratic Constitu- tions which the world has yet seen. (Cheers, during which the noble Lord resumed his seat, having spoken an hour).

A TEACHER took an apple from a boy during school hours. After a while the teacher ate up the apple, while the pupils were busy with their sums. The lad, noticing this, began to cough. What is the matter with you ?" inquired the dominie. Oh, please, sir, the apple has gone down the wrong way." IF I cannot have the fat of the land, I can take a little lean," said a phliosophical tramp, as he leaned against a lamp-post.

FROM THE "COMICS." [FROM PUNCH."] LONDON IDYLS.—Algernon (the Heir): "Awfully kind of Mrs. Masham to give u s a lift. But it was rather a squeeze, eh ?" Jack the Detrimental (his Yomiger Brother Yes, by the way, talking of squeezes, it struck me very forcibly, driving along, that you'd got hold of one of Miss Laura Masham's hands!" Algernon: "Well, you meddling young idiot! what if I had Jack:" Oh, nothing. Only Pd got hold of the Other, you know TEMPORA MUTANTUR."—" Why change the head ?" asked the Times, in its startling issue on the Cen- tenary Festival Day, Monday, January 2, quoting from the Times (of Times past), or Daily Universal Register, January 1, 1788. Quite so Why change the head" now ? Only, if a title be required, why not' Buckle's History of Civilization 7" A PERFECT CURE.—An impulsive gentleman, who was accustomed on frequent occasions to utter a big, big D," determined to break himself of the habit. He reduced the big D to a little one, and for I don't care one 'D—— he substituted "I don't care one' penny,i.e., "rd." HOW TO GET OUT OF IT. The following hints may be found useful to any shy and self-conscious person who, finding himself at the present festive season involved in a jovial family gathering that is expressing its hilarity by an indis- criminate recourse to the modern surprise" cracker, is determined to escape the temporary humiliation of arraying himself in the paper adornment it contains -Go through your dinner with a frown of melancholy anticipation. When the crackers are at length pro- duced, decline to pull one. If forced to, instantly hand over the contents to your fair neighbour who holds the other end. If these happen to be either a comic pig's head or a roomy bishop's mitre, and she asks you just to try them on, smile benignly on her, and say you couldn't think of robbing a lady." If addressed by your hostess with, "X ow, Mr. Smith, you really must wear something pretend not to hear her, and tell somebody opposite, pointedly, how much you prefer a good old-fashioned Christmas If the son of the house tries to bonnet you with a Turkish cocked hat, playfully pinch his legs and adroitly tearing the offending head-gear in half, laughingly observe that you're sure it wouldn't have fitted you." On the fun getting fast and furious, and everybody but yourself assuming some form of ornamentation, en- deavour to damp it, by audibly remarking to your next-door neighbour that you can't conceive how a set of middle-aged people can make such idiots of themselves." If, notwithstanding this, your host determines to force your hand, and says, Come, Smith, put om something. Why, you're the only one of us who isn't bonneted!" get up then and there, and, giving him a bit of your mind, leave the house with an indignant flourish. [FROM "FUN."] COMMUNICATED BY A CABBY. — Envious Masher: Bai Jove what an awfully swagger moustache you've cultivated, Bob, since I saw you last. Why, it's quite long enough to bite now Self-satisfied Masher Yaas—er—that's just what the deah girls tell me but—haw! —strange to say they don't seem at all frightened of it. A good many bare-faced puppies ought to be muzzled, though BILKINS informs us that a tolerably cheap supper for ten may be easily obtained by meandering round the outside of any market you please, and investing in a prime boned turkey. How do you manage to get your daughters off your hands so easily and so well, Mrs. Worldleigh? warbled Mrs. Simper. By using plenty of soap," replied Mrs. W. THE editor of an American journal recently re* ceived his seventh horsewhipping. Each thrashing has been inflicted by an irate daughter of Eve. Per- haps he'll leave them alone at last. A PARISIAN masher recently ducked a little duck of a girl in the ornamental fountain of the Place du Chalet. The lady had" played ducks and drakes with his money, and then called him a giddy, foolish young gosling. HERE'S a chance for enterprising young men!- The Governor of Culiacan, Mexico, has offered a reward of 10,000 dollars for the head of a bandit named Eraclis, Bernai." The man who secures that head will also pick up a number of good tales warranted to stretch easily, you bet f A PROUD Parisian tradesman recently assaulted a customer savagely because lie persisted in wearing his hat while purchasing several articles in the shop. The marchand must have been mad as a hatter or a March hare at the time. Seasonable festivity, how- ever, may have had something to do with this hattery-battery. If this Parisian idiot visited the west coast of Africa, in all probability lie would be highly indignant and enraged were the natives to assault him on his declining to meander about mit nodtliins on" according to the custom of the country. "YOUR nose is getting really too rosy, Beverly," said the fond girl as she met her lover on New Year's Day. This is unkind, Hortensia," replied the youth; you know how I flush with delight whenever we meet." Then she murmured something about" raw meat" that lie didn't quite catch. It was vulgar of her, wasn't it ? t [FROM JUDY."] YET ANOTHER SILENT SORROW.—She You were sitting down, you say, when I arrived. Didn't you find it very cold ?" He: Well, I found it rather more hard than cold. I had slipped on the ice." A TART ANSWER.—" Wouldn't you take me for a nobleman ?" asked an inflated masher of a girl he had been ogling at a five o'clock tea. Yes, certainly, for the Earl of Stare," she replied, promptly. SERVE HiM RiGHT.—The comic editor who sent back his tailor's bill marked Declined; handwriting illegible," got a county court summons. ODD THOUGHTS FOR ODD FOLKS. By Our Odd Man Out. Here is an odd thought for this cold weather So much the more do you make up your fire, so much the more does it become coaled. A-ha. It is odd that a bad hat when taken to a small and early will sometimes come out as good as new. Does it necessarily follow that you should have dates at your fingers' ends," as the saying is, inas- much as they grow on palms ? Every marriage must begin with a union, but it does not follow that all marriages should end in one. The first rule in arithmetic of a thrifty man is addi- tion, but that of a spendthrift is-division. It is not proper for a good boy to read an autobiography. A pretty young lady may be said, as the slang say- ing goes, to be up to the knocker," when she is really something to a-dore. Odd, is it not, that the honour of knighthood should turn a Christian name into a Sir name ? A barrister need not be on terms of friendship with the prisoner lie is defending because he has a brief acquaintance with him. Although swear words should never be used in polite society, yet even a lady may be allowed to say, Oh, blow the fire [FROM "FUNNY FOLKS."] THE Echo had an article the other day headed,. Winter Trips," and there wasn't a word in it about coming to grief through a slide, or an accumulation of frozen snow on one's boot heel SCIENCE STRUCK SPORTIVF.-The holiday lectures, adapted to a juvenile auditory, which are being given at the Royal Institution by Sir Robert Ball, Royal Astronomer of Ireland, are said to be particularly light and sportive in tone-in fact, it is quite a game of Ball that the youngsters are invited to join in. PIGWIDGEON'S PUZZLE. —" I've got a splendid conundrum to ask you, Fogg," cried Pigwidgeon, elatedly. Why is there a danger of the Lord Mayor of Dublin--now he's got into prison-being mistaken for the Boston Slogger ? Pooh sneered Fogg; as if any ass couldn't guess that thing. Because he's a J. L. Sullivan—a Jail Sullivan, to be sure!" Pigwidgeon simmered down. SPlUNG TIllIE-Leap Year. A DEED OF SETTLEMENT.—The subsidence of houses in the Cheshire brine districts. A NEW weekly entitled Trafalgar Square, made its bow on Saturday. Of course there was a Nelson Column in it. The principal members of the staff hail from Scotland Yard. The news matter is mostly made up of Socials, and the correspondence is done by Specials. AN EVERY-DAY ANOMALY-Working one's self to death for the sake of a living.