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LONDON CORRESPONDENCE.

THE GREAT FAILURE IN PARIS.

THE FAMILY PHYSICIAN OF THE…

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AGRICULTURAL ITEMS.

MR. S. PLIMSOLL ON IRISH AFFAIRS

A HORRIBLE DEATH.

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LORD SALISBURY ATj LIVERPOOL.

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FROM THE "COMICS."

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FROM THE "COMICS." [FROM PUNCH."] LONDON IDYLS.—Algernon (the Heir): "Awfully kind of Mrs. Masham to give u s a lift. But it was rather a squeeze, eh ?" Jack the Detrimental (his Yomiger Brother Yes, by the way, talking of squeezes, it struck me very forcibly, driving along, that you'd got hold of one of Miss Laura Masham's hands!" Algernon: "Well, you meddling young idiot! what if I had Jack:" Oh, nothing. Only Pd got hold of the Other, you know TEMPORA MUTANTUR."—" Why change the head ?" asked the Times, in its startling issue on the Cen- tenary Festival Day, Monday, January 2, quoting from the Times (of Times past), or Daily Universal Register, January 1, 1788. Quite so Why change the head" now ? Only, if a title be required, why not' Buckle's History of Civilization 7" A PERFECT CURE.—An impulsive gentleman, who was accustomed on frequent occasions to utter a big, big D," determined to break himself of the habit. He reduced the big D to a little one, and for I don't care one 'D—— he substituted "I don't care one' penny,i.e., "rd." HOW TO GET OUT OF IT. The following hints may be found useful to any shy and self-conscious person who, finding himself at the present festive season involved in a jovial family gathering that is expressing its hilarity by an indis- criminate recourse to the modern surprise" cracker, is determined to escape the temporary humiliation of arraying himself in the paper adornment it contains -Go through your dinner with a frown of melancholy anticipation. When the crackers are at length pro- duced, decline to pull one. If forced to, instantly hand over the contents to your fair neighbour who holds the other end. If these happen to be either a comic pig's head or a roomy bishop's mitre, and she asks you just to try them on, smile benignly on her, and say you couldn't think of robbing a lady." If addressed by your hostess with, "X ow, Mr. Smith, you really must wear something pretend not to hear her, and tell somebody opposite, pointedly, how much you prefer a good old-fashioned Christmas If the son of the house tries to bonnet you with a Turkish cocked hat, playfully pinch his legs and adroitly tearing the offending head-gear in half, laughingly observe that you're sure it wouldn't have fitted you." On the fun getting fast and furious, and everybody but yourself assuming some form of ornamentation, en- deavour to damp it, by audibly remarking to your next-door neighbour that you can't conceive how a set of middle-aged people can make such idiots of themselves." If, notwithstanding this, your host determines to force your hand, and says, Come, Smith, put om something. Why, you're the only one of us who isn't bonneted!" get up then and there, and, giving him a bit of your mind, leave the house with an indignant flourish. [FROM "FUN."] COMMUNICATED BY A CABBY. — Envious Masher: Bai Jove what an awfully swagger moustache you've cultivated, Bob, since I saw you last. Why, it's quite long enough to bite now Self-satisfied Masher Yaas—er—that's just what the deah girls tell me but—haw! —strange to say they don't seem at all frightened of it. A good many bare-faced puppies ought to be muzzled, though BILKINS informs us that a tolerably cheap supper for ten may be easily obtained by meandering round the outside of any market you please, and investing in a prime boned turkey. How do you manage to get your daughters off your hands so easily and so well, Mrs. Worldleigh? warbled Mrs. Simper. By using plenty of soap," replied Mrs. W. THE editor of an American journal recently re* ceived his seventh horsewhipping. Each thrashing has been inflicted by an irate daughter of Eve. Per- haps he'll leave them alone at last. A PARISIAN masher recently ducked a little duck of a girl in the ornamental fountain of the Place du Chalet. The lady had" played ducks and drakes with his money, and then called him a giddy, foolish young gosling. HERE'S a chance for enterprising young men!- The Governor of Culiacan, Mexico, has offered a reward of 10,000 dollars for the head of a bandit named Eraclis, Bernai." The man who secures that head will also pick up a number of good tales warranted to stretch easily, you bet f A PROUD Parisian tradesman recently assaulted a customer savagely because lie persisted in wearing his hat while purchasing several articles in the shop. The marchand must have been mad as a hatter or a March hare at the time. Seasonable festivity, how- ever, may have had something to do with this hattery-battery. If this Parisian idiot visited the west coast of Africa, in all probability lie would be highly indignant and enraged were the natives to assault him on his declining to meander about mit nodtliins on" according to the custom of the country. "YOUR nose is getting really too rosy, Beverly," said the fond girl as she met her lover on New Year's Day. This is unkind, Hortensia," replied the youth; you know how I flush with delight whenever we meet." Then she murmured something about" raw meat" that lie didn't quite catch. It was vulgar of her, wasn't it ? t [FROM JUDY."] YET ANOTHER SILENT SORROW.—She You were sitting down, you say, when I arrived. Didn't you find it very cold ?" He: Well, I found it rather more hard than cold. I had slipped on the ice." A TART ANSWER.—" Wouldn't you take me for a nobleman ?" asked an inflated masher of a girl he had been ogling at a five o'clock tea. Yes, certainly, for the Earl of Stare," she replied, promptly. SERVE HiM RiGHT.—The comic editor who sent back his tailor's bill marked Declined; handwriting illegible," got a county court summons. ODD THOUGHTS FOR ODD FOLKS. By Our Odd Man Out. Here is an odd thought for this cold weather So much the more do you make up your fire, so much the more does it become coaled. A-ha. It is odd that a bad hat when taken to a small and early will sometimes come out as good as new. Does it necessarily follow that you should have dates at your fingers' ends," as the saying is, inas- much as they grow on palms ? Every marriage must begin with a union, but it does not follow that all marriages should end in one. The first rule in arithmetic of a thrifty man is addi- tion, but that of a spendthrift is-division. It is not proper for a good boy to read an autobiography. A pretty young lady may be said, as the slang say- ing goes, to be up to the knocker," when she is really something to a-dore. Odd, is it not, that the honour of knighthood should turn a Christian name into a Sir name ? A barrister need not be on terms of friendship with the prisoner lie is defending because he has a brief acquaintance with him. Although swear words should never be used in polite society, yet even a lady may be allowed to say, Oh, blow the fire [FROM "FUNNY FOLKS."] THE Echo had an article the other day headed,. Winter Trips," and there wasn't a word in it about coming to grief through a slide, or an accumulation of frozen snow on one's boot heel SCIENCE STRUCK SPORTIVF.-The holiday lectures, adapted to a juvenile auditory, which are being given at the Royal Institution by Sir Robert Ball, Royal Astronomer of Ireland, are said to be particularly light and sportive in tone-in fact, it is quite a game of Ball that the youngsters are invited to join in. PIGWIDGEON'S PUZZLE. —" I've got a splendid conundrum to ask you, Fogg," cried Pigwidgeon, elatedly. Why is there a danger of the Lord Mayor of Dublin--now he's got into prison-being mistaken for the Boston Slogger ? Pooh sneered Fogg; as if any ass couldn't guess that thing. Because he's a J. L. Sullivan—a Jail Sullivan, to be sure!" Pigwidgeon simmered down. SPlUNG TIllIE-Leap Year. A DEED OF SETTLEMENT.—The subsidence of houses in the Cheshire brine districts. A NEW weekly entitled Trafalgar Square, made its bow on Saturday. Of course there was a Nelson Column in it. The principal members of the staff hail from Scotland Yard. The news matter is mostly made up of Socials, and the correspondence is done by Specials. AN EVERY-DAY ANOMALY-Working one's self to death for the sake of a living.