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SMILERS. I

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SMILERS. I —Men of letters-Printers and sign-painters. -People who give themselves away are often dear at the price. —One of the most fascinating of occupations is watching other people work but only a foreman can laaKc it pay. Thev say Robinson has water on the brain." Where" did he get it ? "What, the water?" "No, [1,0 brain." -Teacher: For what was George "Washington noted? pick Hicks: He told the truth when questioned about his family tree. —Young Author But don't you think my humour is delicateOld Critic: Oh, very Why don't you t-ike a tonic for it ? —First Passenger: Do you know what time it is ? Second l'assenger (consulting his watch): Yes (and resumes his paper.) -She: nd you will always love me—all the livelong a..IV JYe Ye-es. I think so. You'll give me a chance *? to Vtop for meals, I suppose ? —Air Gotham Here, sir, is some whisky which I liiul in my cellar for twenty years." Colonel Ti:lilltU"k: eU, well! How did it get lost ?" publishers would make a good thing of it if they wonld print novels for young ladies with the last chapter following immediately upon the preface. -Cholly: Wheah do you get shaved? Chappie: Will vou sweali nevah to give me away if I tell you a seewet' Cholly: I sweah. Chappie: Well, I don't get shaved at ail. —"What I like about Charlie," said Ethel, is his I,iT,,tlne,, to animals. Why, last week. when he took 111t' to the menagerie, he gave a whole peanut to one Of the elephants." —••And John—what is he doing ?" asked Mrs nill'ini-'slv. He is studying pharmacy now." "Well, tile idt?it! NVilo'd 'it' thought that John would ever t-jok to farmin' —•• She is very beautiful, I understand." "Heavenly." And her father V One of the most genial and kiiullv of men." "And her mother ?" "Adelightful hdv," And her chaperon ?" Out of sight." J anl no particular friend of the Italians but I do draw the line at one thing." And what is that -• Whv. this report of the railroad accident. It says, Three men killed, and twenty-seven Italians." Morris: So you have lost your new girl ?" Mrs Benedict: 1: c::> i when she broke Charlie's pet coffee cup and gave Iiiiii a, new one with Love the Giver on it, I thought it was time to let her go." -1Iother: I d just like to know who this young man is you have engaged yourself to ? Daughter Oh, he ellniel; of a splendid family. Does his family object to the match ? Y-e-s. Then I guess he's all right. -Prisoner: I don't think there will be any need of addressing the jury. Lawyer: Why not ? Prisoner: My insanity will be instantly plain to them when they see that I have retained you to conduct my C LAO. —Friend: I saw some of your jokes in a book." Humorist (flattered): Ah, what book was that ?" Friend: I forget the name. It was a book published •I hundred years ago. I saw it in a. second-hand book store. Astorbilt (pathetically): You can't think how tnanv calls for money are made upon us poor million- aires." Young Hardup: "Poor millionaires! Ha, Is: Jay Astoi-liilt: Yo can afford to Iziugli you haven't a penny. —Gawire: Who is that fellah ovah yondah, Fwed ? H., looked fit me and then took out a note-book and wrote something." Fwed Easily explained, deah bov. That's Squib, the humorist. He writes about fur:nv things, you Iiliow." \Vinel>ddle I hear that you dictated to your new t lie-writer an impassioned love-letter to another girl? c i ldor.-sleever: Yes it was to a fictitious sweetheart. I wanted to nip in the bud any designs she might have in a matrimonial way. —Friend: Why do you get married so soon after the death of your husband ?" Widow My dear, if there was any one thing that my poor dead and gone husband insisted upon in season and out, it was that I should never put off till to-morrow what I could do to-day." -Seedy Wanderer: Needing any showers in this part of the country ? Farmer: Of course not. Can't vou see everything's drowned out ? Seedy Wanderer Imueh tJejectetlî: Yes, it looks that way. Say, can't vou give a plate of cold victuals to a poor rainmaker but of a job ? —Tramp Thankee kindly, mum I'd no hope of gettin' sich a fine supper to-day, mum. May Heaven bless ye! Housekeeper: As you've had a good supper, I think you might chop some wood ? Yes. uium but voii know the old adal-C. '-After dinner rest awhile; after supper walk a mile." I'll walk the mile first, mum. A short time ago an old negro was up before Judge Cherrv. of Dawson, charged with some trivial offence. Haven't vou a lawver, old man?" inquired the judge. No, sah." "Can't you get one?" No, sab," Don't vou want me to appoint one to defend vou No, sah, Jes' tho't I'd leltb the case to de ign'ance ob de co't." —Singleton: I'm sorry to hear that you have trouble with your wife. What's the matter Bene- dict Its her way of talking. She says the most cutting, ironical things to me on every occasion. Never misses a chance to spring something horribly sarcastic. It's dreadful, I tell you." Singleton: -• Well, you knew her long enough before you were married to learn of the trait." Bencdict:" Oh, I did but I took it for wit tlHm," A hungry wolf, slaking his thirst at a stream, ob- served a lamb similarly engaged, and deliberated what excuse he could make to devour it. Sirra 1" exclaimed lie, you are the villain who stirred up the mud and fouled this stream two years ago to-day, and must pay the penalty with your life." Sir," replied the lamb, I was not then born it must have been my mother, who is since dead, and as her legal per- sonal representative. I am only responsible for her damage to the extent of those assets which came to m y Lllds from her estate, and those were nil." Ig3 norant wretch!" retorted the wolf, springing upon his prey, had you studied this newly-discovered docrine of heredity, you would have known that the sins of our ancestors are invariably visited upon their descendants, and should you be allowed to form an exception, the whole theory would collapse. Why have you not read your Ibsen, child ?" So saying, he devoured the lamb. MORAL.-I-You must be a poor liar if you can make sowe excuse. 2.— The latest Society fad is a safe topic for conversation in nearly all companies. YOUNG MAN. I Merely because you: Think of her all the time- Know of no other woman half as beautiful- Call on her every dav at precisely the same time- Are jealous of every other man who even looks at her- Stick her photograph in your bureau mirror- Wear another over your heart- Buy her candy— And flowers- c t l ie..itre-  of  And take her to the theatre instead of pl,aying (Mker with the boys, as you were once wont to do- Do not imagine: That you are really in love— Because you are not. The fact is ?h?ty?u?re only flirting with her for a winter's amusement— And: That is what you will acknowledge, even insist upon, next summer. IX THE DAYS OF '49. I SDeakine about oing to church," remarked BnzZ8r one Sunday eve ?iiiii?t to Blossom, who sat with him in his room at the hotel, puts me in mind that ?el?tt?e I was in anything hke a church was when I was out in California, m the fall of 49. I ?tell when I was out in California, in the MI of ? '?D'd??h?ch?he. in the mines in those  --Well, no, not exactly churches; but every Sun- dar they held a meetin in a rough log cabin built for church purposes, and It answered, We had a new preacher tbout other Sunday, until there came a preacher who was a. preacher. 'Vhen he strnck the nEfch he fooM more like » h°r»e-«hief he d,.l a nreacher • but. for all that, he was very Chile pepper, F teU you. He arrived at the Gulch on Saturday and that e?in?e visited ?hout every cabin and saloon t-l??r?t t?mgevci-ybodyth?t he intended ^:o h?o?m?e?iee 0 at the ?customed place of worship on the morrrrnow w ,a?jTa d that he wanted 'em all to be there, S and no n« on -.e ahout it. He passed this MM IC* ?J??n?er? Do do saloon in the presence of a la.rge gan 01 ftnh? ?o?. amongst them Bully Crawfish, the terror of the camp, who took an exception, and tQ kn £ w who in said kind of up: J hought was running Bob Ingersol P acher chap thought was running the Gulch her 2ied pretty decided! v that he intend^ed fJ^Twhile he was there. BuiL called him a blank 1- '^j e same time made a move for his bowie, but he never reached it; for that move for ins ot V orop of him, and let him have preacher cl.a the bre;td.basket. The prcacher a hunk of lep a|d 0 bread-basket. The preacher He just turned on his into the street, ,;aid, Hcmell1ber, boys 1'11 expect you ^er^: icepti^ cour;e, the U, on the floor: thf- sir you should have seen that gang after the preaciir i?ft. Why, «r, they were hypnotized. You can just bet your chips that the next day the meetin" was packed. I didn't go myself, but the boys told me about Ü, and they said he was a dandy. Well sir, a few d after the preacher's first Sunday ?t the Uu1ch, while I was walking down the principal street I)v the way, was the only street the to\vn could boast of, I met the preacher out for an airm_. ,y still directly in mv a nod, when %c Stood plun:b sti1 dirctly in mv path, and, after g ar ?^^Sh glittering^yes far 1 path, asencdo. nd? said, in deep bass voice "%u7zer, you old slouch you d_idn t up meeting last Sunday. I want y? to be nJxt Sunday, and dont you forget it.' Well, you can just bet that I didn't forget Kd' I S.f uS that Sunday and every Sunday thereafter that he held onto One Sunday a fellow from 'Vhik Flat dropped In at the meeting just as the minister was ga^ng m at the meetm0 j the scivice prayers. Whenever .ego't toUiMt 0f the seivice the minister alwa\ said, yQu can just bet and give odds th^ at we al ■ > (lucVed. Well^ as I dwuacs kseady"ing, odd,,tb.Lt alw-.tys ducked. Well, as I 10m>! Havi!! thi fellow came in just as we had all dueled. Md the minister was lJeinning to gd his best licks in, wlien he t^he fcllnv from the Flat, who, ? ?d on]y by the way, haa a pretty ?od ?  h:Hl on1y .,icpp?d ? to son.e fnn VU1C(^ 3 out t the top Qf voi?-e Let ?.. you old d??Cl. word.h.d hardly left the M????? P:i?o?hot i-?r.g out, and there was a thnd, 'N one of us ?.d to loot up for the minister -LS Still piay^ an(j wc weien t takilJM nny  g Qf a few ?urJ-'tL??-? ended, and we were ?- lujsseJ. missed TOn„,mll if we ??j more ministers like that fellow in the land wicketl peop1c would be ?cc. Don't you think so?" Dob„'« SiwfhSvd him not. He w? with the god of sleep.

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