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YANKEE YARNS.

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YANKEE YARNS. Too-ToOTLIC.-This is the way a New York weekly journal describes a newly-arrived aesthetic lecturer-" He stands six foot two in his stockings, has a pair of shoulders like a prize-fighter, wears his hair like a Crow Indian, emulates Signor Marra, the photographic colourist, in the lowness of his shirt-collar, and suggests rather the solid Muldoon of the nineteenth century than a pen- sive and frenetic Florentine of the fourteenth." A GOOD IDEA. A member of the race of Moses who keeps a hand-me-down store on Main street, near the depot, wears a gorgeous diamond pin in his shirt front. Last Tuesday a Christian gentleman went into the stores and made a small purchase. He noticed the pin, he admired it, and he ex- pressed his admiration. That is a very costly pin you wear," he remarked. "Yah, dot ish von tine pin ?"' Do you know what I should do if I owned such a pin ?" Veeping Rachels, vot you does if you owns dot pin, eh ?" I'd wear a clean shirt so that it might have a better setting." And the believer in the Trinity just reached the door in time to avoid the scissors, which Mr Moses threw at him. THE COMIC SIDE OF POLYGAMY. There is a comic as well as a pathetic side to Mormon polygamy. Among the Mormon women in Utah was one who accepted in full faith the polgyamic revelation. She had found in poly- gamy an ample compensation in the supposed right of the first wife to choose her husband's succeeding wives. This was her argumentâ"If the first wife selects the other wives, it has the effect of showing them that the husband thinks much of her judgment, and is willing to abide by it, and that they will have to do the same. This is, of course, as it should be. But, if she lets her husband choose his own wife, he is almost certain to take a fancy to some one whom the first wife does not like at all, and consequently her autho- rity is undermined. The first wife ought to have all the power in her own hands" The sequel of this lady's story is extremely ludicrous. After she had chosen two other wives for her husband, he was so perverse as to choose a fourth for himself, the fourth being not at all to her liking, as she her- self admitted. This is her own account of the matterâ" I tell you,' said I,' I'm quite disgusted with you-a man with three wives-and me one of themâto go talking twaddle to a clattering hussey like that,with her cat s eyes and red hair Gold- en hair, my dear,' he said Charlotte's hair is golden.' I say red-it's straight, staring red- red as red can be, I told him and then we had a regular fight over it. I don't mean that we came to blows, but we had some hot words; and he went out and left us two alone. Then that young hussy was impudent; and I don't know how it was, but somehow, when we lett off our conversa- tion, I fouud some of Charlotte's red hair between my fingers and there, she said innocently, hold- ing OUG quite a good sized tuft of auburn hairâ there-I put it to you, Sister Stonehouse-is that red, or is it not?" FILIAL DEVOTION. Not long ago a young man married and started for California with his wife. On leaving the old home his father bade him good-bye and gave him the parental blessing. My son," said the aged sire, shaking with emotion, "remember these words if you never see me again, Never go into a place where you would not take your wife." The couple settled in Mariposa County, and within a year the old man went out to them. He proposed a bear hunt, and they were fortunate enough to track a grizzly to his lair among some of the boul- ders in the chaparral. As the two approached, the bear roused up and sent forth a growl of defiance which shook the trees. Go in there and kill 'im said the old man excitedly. The son held back, further acquaintance with the bear seeming in some respect undesirable. Count me out," he said. "Have I crossed the seas and settled in America to raise a coward ?" shouted the father, brandishing his gun. "I but recollect your ad- vice when I left home." was the reply. How can I forget your sage precepts ? Didn't you tell me never to go into a place where I couldn't take my wife? Now how would Sal look in there with that bear?" The old man clasped his dutiful son to his bosom, and, as the bear issued forth, ex- claimed, Speaking of Sally, let us hasten home our prolonged absence might cause her iieeedles:, alarm." in about, fifteen minutes they had reached the ranch, the old man a little ahead, and the distance was about four miles. A NEAl SHAVE. 11 what 1 am about to relate," writes a travel- ler, happened in a rough mining town in Colorado. There was a grand ball at the ranch of Whisky Jack, a well-known character in the 4 diggings'an(I the (lite of the district responded to the call in full force. The party was held in a rickety old barn belonging to the host, and, with a few red strips of flannel, a grotesque accumula- tion of mountain roses, and a row of dripping candles, the appointments of the place were per- fect. My first partner in the giddy dance was the wife of the man who killed the village postmas- ter because he refused him a letter she was fat, fair, and forty, and danced with the grace ot a cow. My next partner was the daughter of this charming pair, a young girl just bursting into the loveliness of womanhood she was badly freckled, and sported a wart on her nose. My next part.-d ner was a blooming grass widow, a fresh arrival; and then I rested. I began to comment on new fzice5 in the room. My companion in this plea- sant pastime was a heavy-bearded miner, uncouth, roughly dressed, tobacco-slobbered, and very pro- fane. This was our first meeting, and I hoped it would be the last. There goes a hard-looking case,' I whispered, as the wife of the man who killed the postmaster sailed by; 'she's a Vad'un'. 'Yas,'replied the man, 'I'd hate to have the crit- ter stop on me. What an elegant target she would make for a poor inarksinan l' 'Yes,' I said, and turned my eyes 00 a tall raw-boned creature sailing towards us, supported by a little man with sandy whiskers and red-top boots. Here comes the boss.' 'How?' 'The boss, I say ain't she-a lovely phimpanzee?' A what ? Chimpanzee He glared ait me a moment and then reached for his revolver. 'What is a Chim- panzee?' he growled fiercely, his red eyes. grow- ing large. I saw that I had made some mistake, and hastened to explain. Whyâwhy>' I stam- mered, backing off, 'a chimpanzee is a lovely creature found in Africaânothing so gorgeously beautiful as a chimpanzee That is the highest compliment a lady can receivo.' 'Oh!'and the man looked relieved. 'Yas, I think so myself stranger she is a lovely chimpanzee. She's my wife.' I HAD TO WATCH HER. An old man and his wife were waiKing aiong the street. The wife persisted in looking back every time she passed a woman. What makes you carry ou that way ?" asked the old fellow. 1 reckon I want to see Dan'l." But you don't hafter act like a cow that's bothered with boss flies. Folks'll think you never was in town before." Well, now, jes' shet your mouth. I come here to see. You're allus a fussin' an a fussiD*, and nobody can't have no peace with you. If I want to see how a woman's dress sets it ain't none o' your business, so there." Wall, if you must set1 how all the dresses set, let's stand here till everybody grits dun goin' by. It's distressin' to me to see you twist your neck round that way." Dan'l, for the goodness sake, hush. Folks will think that we live like cats an' dogs. I do think a man is the beatenes' thing 1 ever saw. Fuss, fuss, from mornin' till night. Now, look at you, what air you gazin' at ?" } Lookin' at a set o' harness hangin' up thar. Folks will think you are crazy if you carry on that way." Don't mind me," said the old man. An' don't you mind me," replied his wife. I have to mind you when you twist your neck and hold your head to one side like a goose. You're in danger o' hurtin yourself, It's business with me, for I am lookin' out for a set o' harness." ,f Meeting a fashionable dressed lady, the w1 looked baok. but striking an uneven place on sidewalk, fell sprawling on the ground. mov. Thar exclaimed the old man, withoot mak- ing an effort to assist her. Oh, the Lord fetches everything 'round all right! My goodness said the old Woman* ar-ising I with difficulty, it mighty nigh killed me- "Of course it did, an' it sarves you exactly right. Reckon you'll know how to actj10^' 3 ding it. Gape an' gaze; gape an' gaze all "me, it is a wonder that you ham t Dee" Klilea, "Dan'l, for the Lord's sake, don't scold. You, don't do nothin' but fuss an* fuss all the ti1??- The old man did not reply- He was a" a saddle hanging out in front of a shop. Stepping on a piece of orange peel, his heels flaw lp and he came down with an awful thump. Good gracious, are you hurt, Dan'l The old man groaned, and scuffling to his feet said: Hurt? that's a putty question to ask a dead man. Wall, this the last time you ever come to town with me. You keep a body watchin you so close hp ?<V5 h.,w 1:" wi* Dan'l don't Come on. Lot's git them mules an' git outeu here. I never saw sich a woman :n my life."

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