Abergavenny Chronicle

I CLUB WINDOW. Canada has 30,000 miles of railway, or one mile to every 210 of its population. The United States has an average of one mile tc every 400 of the population. ME. Charles lL -Schwab was in New York G; day to attend a bank directors' meeting. On Lower Broadway he wasaa't quite sure 01 the bank's number, so he asked- a mature- looking newsman: "See here, my man, I want to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give you half a dollar if you direct 4ne to it." With a grin, the imaia. replied; wAll right, come along," and he led the «teel man to a building half a felock away.. Mr. Schwab paid the promised fee, remarking, however; ""That was half a doliar easily earned," '"Sure!" responded the newsman. "But you mustn't fergit that "bank directors is paid high in Noo Yawt." # » The following -story is related by Mr. Justice Sankey concerning .a barrister friend of his. who was cross-examinrng the wife of a burglar. "Y ou are the wife of this man?" he a ik-ed. Yes." You knew he was a burglar when Ta-n "married ihim?" Yes." How came you to contract a miar- riage with such a man" '"Well," the woman explained, "I was getting old, and I had to chcoee 'between hhn and a lawyer." 11< C'ount Ton Brockdorrff-Eaiitzaa., the chief German delegate to the Peace Conference, had an ancestor who was. if not French, at least on the side of Trance. Moreover,, the portrait of his forbear actually hangs in the Chateau of Versailles. Josas de Rantzau was a Marshal of France., and received the baton in 1643 after he had Vest am eye, an arm, and a. leg1 in 'the -service of his country. The portrait represents the old-time Ran t- zaa with a wooden leg., a black patch over his eye., and a hook holding the reins of his horse.. He was a Dane by birth. j The best story told by Sir Courtena-y Ilbert, Clerk of the House of Commons, re- lates to an amusing- incident that occurred in a village church. During the morning sc-r-vicc the organist was annoyed because .t s am?no y e d b?ecaus3 the organ-blower kept working the lever noisily after he nadflnished playing. A famoua preacher had come down from Lon. don to preach. The organist scribbled a note to the blower., and sent it round by a choir boy, who, misunderstanding his in- struct!oris, put it into the hands of the preacher. The note was as follows: "Per- haps you will kindly stop when I tell you to. The people have come here to hear my inrneic, not -your noise." Sir Frank Benson 'has an enthusiasm for football as well 3Æ3 for Shakespeare, and thereby hangs a tale. One of his company falling sick when he was staging "The Merry Wives" some time back, he tele- g-rapned to a young actor, "Can you play Rugby? If so, come at once." Not being so good a Shakespearean scholar as Sir Frank, but knowing the actor-manager's weakness for football, the recipient, though Suzzled, promptly wired back, "Played ? tit-back for 'Coming by the 4.30." Lord Haglan is a capital raconteur. One of his best yarns concerns a canine wonder. Two men were discussing the sagacity of dogs. "A pal of mine, Johnson by name," said one, "had a most intelligent retriever. One night his house caught fire. All was instant confusion. Old Johnson and his wife flew for the children, and bundled them out pretty sharp. Alas! one of the children had been overlooked, but up jumped the dog, rushed into the house, and soon reap- peared with the missing child, which it de- posited on the lawn. Everyone was saved, but Rover dashed through the names again, and presently the noble animal reappeared, with the fire poLicy wrapped in a damp towel." -» • Sir John McClure, the new chairman .of the Congregational Union of England and Wales, is not only famous as Headmaster of Mill Hill School, but also because of his many-sided gifts (says the "Daily Graphic"). He came from a humble home, and has climbed the educational ladder by his own exertions. As a hobby he delights in music, and among his many degrees is that of Doctor of Music. Sir John has raised the whole character and scope of the train- \:iig at Mill Hill, which has now more scholars than at ;any period in its history. Many prominent public men gained the ground-work of their education at the Non- conformist public school, and Sir James Murray, the first editor of the Oxford Dictionary, started his work on it when he wa, one of the assistant masters at Mill IILII. Tlhe King has a Temtttkably interesting eollcction of silver rihips. It was started by the Duko of Edinburgh -when a silver model of one of his old flagships was pre- sented to !him by the dfficers who had served with him. His Royal Highness later added many models to 'the collection, which ihe ultimat,dy placed in the Royal galleries .at Windsor. After his death King George made additions 'to the collec- tion, ma.inly of modern ships of -war. President Wilson tells this -story. A country minister took to driving tandem when visiting his floek, and his -deacons objected. "But if I drove a pair of horses side by side. you would not object," pro- tested the parson. ■"Minister. said an old deacon, "if, when prating, yetu cover your face with your hands side by side, that is a reverent and proper attitude., but what would be thought if you put one hand in front of the other and extended the ifngers?" ° » Supervising eleven theatres and halls under his immediate control it a man, Richard Thornton, founder and director of the Moss Empi-rc-s, who seventy years a-o. at the age of ten, began life as a pit hoy. "I loved music, liowevc-r., he "and particularly the violin. I ultimately aban- doned the pick and shovel for the fiddle and seaside entertainments, became second violinist in an orchestra, and eventually ac- quired a theatre of my own!" In spite of his advanced years, Mr. Thornton works harder than most men. A great believer in athletics, he can run, jump, and walk with the best, his favourite relaxation being boxing. Lord Milner is the most modest and re- tiring of men. He shuns prominence "like the plague." 'So diffident is he that he has been known to hide behind a pillar at a railway terminus rather than face the 3Ipplause of the crowd gathered to give him a worthy reception, He loves the quiet life, and is far happier among his books and flowers at Sturrv Court than in West- End drawing-rooms or the limelight of politics. He plays no games; and his only outdoor recreation, beyond an occasional motor-ride, is a long solitary ramble in Kentish lanes. His only hobby, in fact, is his work, for which he is a glutton. his wor k, for which he is i glutton. Lord Birkenhead holds a distinction which is probably unique. On one occasion in Cheshire, he was supporting the electior campaign of Sir William Lever. "F. E.1 made a speech which was received with tre. mendous enthusiasm, and the audience, be. sides clappi-a. rlised cries of "Enc.ore: Encore It is? something of an honour t( be asked to repot a speech, but the oratoJ did not of the occasion.

I THE BEER SHORTAGE. THREATENED TROUBLE WITH THE WORKERS. From all over the country come reports of the great discontent among workmen through the shortage of beor. Workers' delegates from many districts have met in London to protest against the shortage of beer, and to consider what steps should be taken to compel publicans who were known to have beer in their cellars to deal alike with all classes. Several members of Labour clubs suggested that each con- sumer should help himself to what he re- quired and tender legal payment for it. The workers were not high-handed, said Mr. Walter Morgan, they respected the law, but the publicans who hoarded beer for special customers and denied it to the work- ing man were acting wrongly. The brewers were just as bad as the publicans. The higher the price of beer the more self-im- portant became the man behind the bar. (Laughter.) The barmaid followed suit. (Laughter.) The charge of 4d. for a pint of ale, or what was called ale, was preposter- ous, and showed a profit of 400 per cent. In the House of Commons Mr. Roberts, the Food Controller, said it had been de- cided to increase the barrelage from 20000,000 to 26,000,000 standard barrels, which at the present gravitv of 1040 woulld give approximately 35,000,0(H) bulk barrels. The Manchester Liberal Federation have defeated by an overwhelming majority a resolution in favour of the State assuming control of the manufacture and supply of intoxicating liquors.

I THE HUMAN MACHINE. If you were to take a four-cylinder engine from your motor-boat or your touring-car, cover it with dirt, bury it some feet below the surface of the earth, and exhume it a month later, how efficient would it be after- wards? Yet this is done seemingly with impunity by the Hindu fakirs to their very own selves. Dr. Konigberger, a physician in the Punjab, who doubted these fre- quently-repeated stories, determined to make the most rigid tests to exclude all possible fraud. One of these Brahmin fakirs allowed him- self to be buried by the doctor and his sus- picious colleagues in a well-fastened and sealed vault. The burial lasted such a long time-for forty days—that some corn planted upon the soil above the vault sprouted into bloom before the unhappy fellow was released. Then the* Hindu was freed, subjected by the doctor to restora- tives, and lived happily ever afterwards. Sir Henry Lawrence, an English scientist who assisted the German savant, substanti- ates the whole account. The chest in which the fakir was buried was firmly sealed, and when the man was brought out he was cold and apparently lifeless. The incontestable proof of the human mechanism's strength and efficiency under the worst possible conditions is to be found in the numerous non-fatal injuries and acci- dents to the heart. A boy recently stabbed in a street fray was left with the dagger run through the heart. He was taken to the hospital and the heart was stitched. He recovered. A man of sixty-five, suffering from paresis, passed a hatpin into his heart. He had some slight disturbance of his heart beat for a month, and then fully recovered. .—————- o ————.

I LOST PINS. One of the mysteries of the world is cer- tainly the pin. In astounding quantities they pour from numerous factories, princi- pally in Birmingham. One mill alone is credited with turning out nearly ten million pins a day, and no one has ever attempted the calculation of the world's output. A pin is a thing which, in the ordinary way, would iast for years, and it is a problem to account for the necessity for the making of such enormous quantities. The explanation is undoubtedly that pins are so cheap that everyone throws away or loses them as fast as they use them. Thousands and thousands of them enter the sewers of our towns, and solid masses are often found where innu- merable examples of these tiny articles have become welded together in their passage through the sewers. The output of a pin factory includes dozens of different sizes, from the tiny pins used by naturalists only a quarter of an inch long, and as fine as a hair, to giant blanket pins 4in. in length and nearly as thick as a wire nail. Hair- pins are another example of useful articles made to be lost; they follow the fate of the tommon pin, and descend in a continual shower on the paths and floors of every civilised country. All pins are made by automatic machines, which complete the transformation from wire in a single opera- tion.

A PROGRESSIVE CITY. I The city of Los Angeles is perhaps the most remarkable illustration of progressive- ness on the whole Pacific Coast. In 1880 the population was about 11,000. Ten years later it was a little over 50,000. In 1900 the num- ber was 102,479, and now it exceeds 300,000. Post Office figures illustrate this growth. From 'July, 1900, to July, 1909, the cumber of clerks grew from 90 to 307. that of branch offices from 18 to 60, that of letter-carriers from 60 to 235 Business streets have assumed a surprisingly Metropolitan aspect. The shop windows rsvai those of the largest Eastern cities 1n beauty and lavish display of wealth, and many of them, with their jewels and curios, are obviously intended for the eyes of tourists. The city has gained in beauty as much as in size, the residence streets also having assumed a new and most pleasing aspect, through the abundance of picturesque low bungalows, an adaptation. with many varieties, of the cosy homes of li-.dia Nearly every house has its lawn, with flowers of rnariv kinds, yet hardly as many as might be expected in this clime.

MURDER BY MICROBES. I A doctor has been arrested in America for a series of murders, alleged to have been committed by means of microbes. His method was to inoculate his victims with the germs of typhoid fever. The germs, however, were not ordinary ones, such as anybody might accidentally become infected with, but microbes specially selected and nourished by him to so extreme a degree of malignancy as to insure speedy death. The prospect opened up to ordinary people by this new departure in crime is not a pleasant one. For there are many microbes cultivated by bacteriologists that are far more deadly than the typhoid ones. Besides, most microbes themselves produce a whole series of little-known and exceed- ingly powerful poisons that kill and leave no trace behind. To cite but one instance. From the tetanus microbe, for instance, a poison called teta- nias is obtained which is over one hundred times more powerful than strychnine.

By an explosion on the warship Hood at Clydebank one man was killed and four seriously injured. Mr. Francis Wood, borough surveyor and engineer, of Fulham, was appointed surveyor and engineer of Blackpool at a salary of £1,000 a

I MURMANSK FIGHTING. f ADVANCE ON THE DVINA. The War Office states that on the Arên. angel front on May 19 our troops, in con- junction with the river flotilla, advanced on tho left bank of the Dvina to south of Tulgae, capturing 21 prisoners and nine machine-guns. General Ironside reports that the Russian cavalry distinguished themselves in the operation. It is believed that one of the Bolshevik gunboats was sunk in this enoounter. On the 19th"a strong patrol of our Rus- oian troops broke through the enemy's out- post line on the Yaga front on the Mala- Berosnik-Zgnatsvskaya road. They suc- ceeded in capturing two officers, 69 other ranks, and three machine-guns, while 20 oi the enemy were killed. On the Murmansk front several patrol en- counters took place on the 19th, near the railway in the neighbourhood of Iumbushki (north end of Lake Onega). Some of those were of a very determined nature, but our troops nevertheless succeeded in driving back the enemy's patrols and located their main line of defence.

I A WONDERFUL BELL. The distinguishing feature of the temples at Crota, in Japan, is the great bell which swings in a monster wooden belfry, halfway up the hillside, behind the buildings proper. This bell is a huge bronze cup, with nearly perpendicular sides and a flat crown, which, like all the other Japanese bells, is sounded by means of a huge beam, kept in place by ropes, but when occasion requires brought against the rim of the bell with great force. It requires twelve coolies to manipulate this beam. Formerly it was only rung once a year, but now it may be heard two or three times every month. This bell is one of the greatest wonders in Japan. It is eighteen feet high, nine. and one-half inches thick, nine feet in diameter, and weighs 125,000 catties, or nearly seventy- four tons. It was cast in a monster mould in the year 1633. It is computed that the amount of gold entered into its composition is 1,5001bs. avoirdupois. As the bell was cast with the rim up, this gold is all in the crown, but time has dimmed any lustre which it may have originally lent to the alloy. Only a miracle of casting could have pfided in such a magnificent tone, for if the rim of the bell is struck softly with an open palm the vibration can he heard one hundred yards. o

I MARVELI OF HYPNOTISM. An extraordinary experiment in hypno- tism over the telephone was once made in the State of Ohio. The hypnotic subjects were ordinary telephone operators, and the influence of the hypnotism reached them over the wires from a distance of some 130 miles. Six doctors checked the experiment. Fernando Lontzenheiser attempted to apply his hypnotic power in this manner from Pittsburg to Canton, and one of the opera- tors, of whom ten tried to receive the influ- ence, was entirely subjected. When the voice from Pittsburg stated categorically that his left arm was numbed, the limb thus attacked fell limp, and the doctors were able to insert pins in it without. affecting -the sensibility of the operator. "Lift your right leg," commanded the Pittsburg magician. The command was obeyed, and the six doctors could not press the limb down. However, the dramatic moment arrived when the subjected operator was informed politely but asserti vely that he was a etone. He immediately rolled off his scat, and the six doctors, trying to compress his chest, were unable to overcome the resistant surface.

I PROFITABLE LITIGATION. Among the curiosities of litigation may be cited the following case. On the boundary- line of two farms in an Austrian village there grew a large gooseberry-bush, from which the two farmers for years gathered the product. "What grows on my side is mine, and you may have the rest," was the agreement. Some time ago the neighbours had a misunderstanding, and this came to a climax when the gooseberries became ripe. A lawsuit followed, and appeals were made to higher judicial bodies. The final decision was recorded in the Austrian courts. E-,ich party is to have the right to pick the berries which grow on his side of the line, just as it was originally, but neither may destroy the bush. The costs are charged half to each litigant. Each farmer had to pay 225 krone. The yearly yield of the bush is worth about one-half krone, and the judge told the fighting farmers: "With good luck it will take you only 800 years to make the busk pay. Take good care of it."

I A CURIOUS RELIC. A curious relic with the past is to be seen in St. Bartholomew's Church, Great Grans- den, Hunts. It takes the form of a huge grappling-hook, which, in the days of primi- tive fire appliances, was used for pulling the entire thatch off the roof of a cottage in the event of fire. The shape is that of a long bar with a turned-down fork at the end, the length being sufficient for men on the ground to reach the top of the roof, and the weight so great that the strength of several men was necessary in using it. a

LAND AND THE STATE. I 'Lord Selborne, presiding at a meeting of the Central Land Owners' Association at the Surveyors' Institute, said the demand for the nationalisation of coal was only the first step towards a larger demand. They assumed that the land owners would receive the fair value of the land which was taken by the State. Anything else would be deliberate and bare-faced robbery. He thought that it would be a poor investment ,door itive-, t in?eii t for the State—quite apart from his incredu- lity as to the State being able to manage satisfactorily, or to the public advantage, all the agricultural land. A large number of persons, drawn from every political party, had during the war come to the conclusion that the policy of laissez faire in respect of the home-grown food was no longer a possible one for the State, and if a change of policy was neces- sary, it was clear that those connected with the land would have to submit to a certain measure of State control. That seemed to him, on the whole, right; but he hoped the control would not be the detailed kind that existed during the war. Land owners as a class could not be C) lIed profiteers. If the assets were allowed to disappear, it would mean less income tax and death duties.

Hackney Council's road repair work is com- puted to cost £ 79,000. On the suggestion of the Queen, the Royal Cambridge Asylum for Soldier's Widows has altered the word "Asylum" in its name to "Home." The Paris Chamber has voted X24,000 for the purpose of providing a temporary roof of corrugated iron for Rheims Cathedral. Mr. John Callie, a retired mason, has cele- brated his 102nd birthday at Hull. He is a non-smoker and practically a teetotaller.

I THE POLICE DISPUTE. SERIOUS TROUBLE THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY. l The discontent at present felt in polic( j circles has assumed a serious aspect, and 3 secret ballot which has been taken on th< question of proclaiming a national strike throughout the country shows a eolio I majority in favour of an immediate stop. page of work. Large provincial centres de- clare for instant action, and the City of London police are reported to be equallj unanimous. During the last few weeks secret con- ferences have been held between the officials I of the Police Union and the leaders of the Triple Alliance and trade union movement These discussions were conducted withoul f the knowledge of the Government and Sii Nevil Macready. The Police Union's ulti- matum to be presented to the Governmenl calls on the Government to recognise the Police Union; reinstate the dismissed con- stable Spackman (the reinstatement of men legitimately dismissed the force is not advo- cated) and. give an immediate increase ir wages The ultimatum also draws attention tc the fact that the Home Secretary has ad- mitted that the police force is inadequately paid.

CLEVER BURGLARS CAPTURED. By a combination betwtjen the London and provincial detective services Scotland- yard has succeeded in capturing the leaders of a clever gang who have been responsible for a string of burglaries. Fortunately, between = £ 30,000 and £ 40,000 worth of booty, which includes antiques, plate, and other valuables, has been re- covered. It appears some pawntickets found on two prisoners detained in the country fur- nished a clue. The tickets were traced, and one evening recently the police apprehended a well-dressed young woman in London, who gave away 6ome valuable information. A West-End flat and an East-End garden were visited, and a great quantity of stolen property was found. Simultaneously, the provincial police be- came busy, and in a very short time they were able to announce to Scotland-yard that they had recovered thousands of pounds worth of articles which had disappeared from various mansions. Fifty burglaries have up to the present been accounted for.

I "HOLD-UP" AT CORK. An extraordinary story comes from Cork, and is to the effect that the Army and Navy Pension Offices in South Mall, Cork, were forcibly entered by a body of discharged and demobilised soldiers, who ordered the secretary, Mr. Cooper, and his staff to leave, and remained in possession of the building for nearly an hour. Mr. Cooper complied with the order to leave, and one of the staff who hesitated was ejected. The police were summoned, but were powerless against the men, but on the Lord Mayor, Mr. O'Connor, reasoning with the men, they afterwards left the building and marched to the Sailors' and Soldiers' Federation rooms. It is said that their action is a protest against official treatment meted out to them, and they also claim that clerkships in this office should be filled by members, of their body. The Lord Mayor intends meet- ing a deputation of the men to go into the whole question.

I THE SHORT HOURS TANGLE. I The ballot at Newcastle of the shipbuild- I ing and engineering trades for a 44 instead of a 47-hours week has gone overwhelmingly I in favour of the former, and the unions are asking the employers for a conference on the subject.

I UNDERGROUND TIMBER. r It is not often that one hears of timber being dug out of the ground. It is, however, being done in the far east. At Annam in Tonquin an immense wood mine has been discovered. The wood was originally a pine forest, which the earth swallowed up in some cataclysm. Some of the trees are a yard in diameter. They lie in a slanting direction and in sandy soil. which covers them to a depth of about four fathoms. As the top branches are well preserved, it is thought {the geological convulsion which buried them cannot be of very great antiquity. The wood furnished by these timber mines is imperishable. i

THE NOSE OF LONG DESCENT. I Lecturing at the London Institution on I "The Senses' Newsagents of the Mind," Dr. A. Hil1 said that a little baby comes into a world which is without form, a void and an agitated chaos. It has to learn to discriminate with its senses. It can smell. see, taste, hear, and touch, but does not do so all at once. The nose had precedence of all other senses, not only from its position as the anatomical (ii) of the body, but because it is the doyen of the senses having regard to the order of its creation. Man has nearly lost his sense of smell. Comparatively few men of fifty retain their cetise of smell.

SOLDIERS' MASCOTS. I Some regiments possess curious mascots. The Royal Fusiliers for the last hundred years have kept a goat as the regimental pet, and the mascot of one of the Lanc-er regi- ments is also a goat, which they acquired some years ago in South Africa. This animal went through the Matabole War with the regiment, arid though several times under fire escaped without a scratch. The 17th Lancers—the "Death or Glory" boys—used to possess a large black bear with white markings; but she became bad tempered, and so was presented not long ago to the Dublin Zoo.

WHERE THE SEDAN CHAIR SURVIVES. I It is interesting to note that the city of Constantinople is the only one in Europe where the use of the Sedan chair still sur- vives. And here it is likely to vanish before long, for the last massacre of the Armenians very much thinned the ranks of the chair- porters. When the narrow streets of Pera and Galata become obstructed after a snow- fall. Sedan chairs are still a means of attend- ing a baIlor social gathering. They add a most picturesque feature to the streets, and are of precisely the same pattern as the specimens one meets with in museumfl or in pictures of the days of Queen Anne.

I FUN AND FANCY. Doctor: "It is nature, not I, that heals-* Patient: "Then why do you charge for it?" Miss Passay: "My fiance is so different from other men." Miss Pert: "Of course he- is, since he proposed to you!" Mrs. Murphy (shopping): "I want to see some mirrors." Shopwalker: "Hand mirrors, madameP" Mrs. Murphy: "No; some that ye can see yer face in!" Customer: "I've taken seventeen of these bottles now, and I'm feeling no better." Chemist: "But how would you feel if YOU, hadn't taken them?" She: "Why does a woman take a man's- name when she marries him He: "Why does she take everything else he's got?" "Why do you always buy your clothes on the instalment plan?" "They try to give- me stuff that will last until the instalments are all paid." "And what's the wages, mum?" "Oh, I always pay whatever a person's worth." "No, thank ye! I never work for as little as that!" Mr. Miller: "My wife is so tender-hearted,, she won't whip the cream." Mr. Smith: "That's nothing; my wife won't beat the carpets, and tears come in her eyes when the onions are skinned." Jones: "Everybody seems seeking an ex- cuse to raise the price." Brown: "You're wrong, old man. They raise it without any excuse. He: "That's a remarkably bright girl I was just talking to." She: "But isn't it rather hard to keep up with her?" He: "That's just it. I can't tell you what a. relief it was to meet you." Willie: "Dad, why is an after-dinner speech called a toast?" Dad: "Because it is usually so dry, my son." Lady (who has given a tramp a plate of scraps): "You must feel the humiliation of begging for food." Tramp: "It's not that so much, mum. What hurts me is that I'm depriving the poor, innocent fowls of a feed." Sharpe: "On his birthday before their marriage she gave him a beautiful book en- titled 'A Perfect Gentleman. Smith: "Any change after a year of married life?" Sharpe: "Yee; the next year she gave him a 'book entitled 'Wild Animals I Have Met. Mrs. Jones: "Can't stay long, Mrs. Green. I just canje to see if you wouldn't join our mission band." Mrs. Green: "Heavens, don't come to me! I can't even playa. mouth-organ!" Brown: "Stout people, they say, are- rarelv guilty of meanness or crime." Robin- son: "Well, you see, it's so difficult for them to stoop to anything low." She' "They say Mr. Destyle is financially embarrassed." He: "Well, he's horribly in debt, but it would take more than that to em barrass him." J Hearing a crash of glassware one morn- ing, Mrs. Jones called to her maid in the adjoining room: "Norah, what on earth are you doing?" "I ain't doin' nothin', mum Norah replied—"it's done." Mrs. Backwoods (as sugar is passed) "Use the tongs, William." Bill Backwoods: "Why? 'Tain't 'ot, is it?" "I often think," she said, "that women are more courageous than men." "I know they are," he replied. "Where is the man who would have the courage to pull out a mirror and do himself up before a crowd in a restaurant?" Redd: "Did you ever notice how a man emiles when he's bought a motor-car and paid for it?" Greene: "Yes. So does a man on his wedding day smile when he's paid the minister. Of course; but neither of those men are thinking of the upkeep." "I understand you want to marry my daughter. What are your prwpectse" "Not being a mind-reader, sir, I am afraid I can- not say until you tell me." Hopeful Learner: "Professor, do you think I shall ever be able to do anything with my voice?" Encouraging Teacher: "Well, it might come in very useful in case of fire or shipwreck." Photographer: "I'm very sorry, madam, but it is rather too late to photograph your little boy this evening. There is not suffi- cient light." Mamma: "Surely there ia enough light for a little child like him." Mr. B.: "How did you like my speech at the dinner last night?" Mrs. B.: "It re- minded me of the time when you courted me, my dear." Mr. B.: "How so?" Mrs. B.: "Why, I thought you never would come to the point." Hostess: "May I help you to some of the boiled rice, Mr. Smith?" Mr. Smith (vehemently): "No, thank you; no rice for me. It is associated with the worst mistake of my life." Mr. Newly-Wed: "Did you sew the button on my overcoat, dear?" Mrs. Newly-Wed: "No, darling; I couldn't find the button, so I just 6ewed up the buttonhole." Doctor: "Well, John, how are you to- day?" John: "Verra bad, verra bad. I wish Providence 'ud 'ave musey on me an' take me!" Wife: "'Ow can you expect it to if you won't take the doctor's physic!" Mrs. Snobson: "My dear, you don't really mean to say you darn your husband's hoee?" Mrs. Wright: "Of course I do. If a man foots his wife's bills, she should at least be willing to foot his stockings." "What's the matter, Ben? You're look- ing worried." "Work—nothing but work from mornin' till night!" 'Ow long have you been at it?" "I begin to-morrow!" "Did the bride's father give her awiay?'* • No; on the contrary, he told the bride- groom she would make a very economical wife." "My boy," eaid the school inspector to the itoj in the front row, "suppose your mother gave you 5s. to buy a pound of cheese at ls. 4d. per pound, and a quarter of tea at 2s. 8d., and you lost 7d. of the ehange, what would you have when you got hQme:»> "A jolly good hiding," said the boy.

a Mr. Chamberlain, replying in the House of Commons to Sir A. Fell as to whether the Government (if German compensation was paid for damage done by aircraft) would repay the whole of the premiums less expenses, said the answer was in the negative. "I have hunted ever since I was sixteen, and to hunting I owe the best of my fun and i the best of my friendships," wrote Sir Ian j Heathcoat Amory, Bt., Master, Tiverton Fox- hounds, who is resigning.