Hide Articles List

7 articles on this Page

Advertising

WISE AND Gl'HMtWISE.

News
Cite
Share

WISE AND Gl'HMtWISE. Little Willie: 'Say, pa, who are the deserving' poor?" Pa: "Those who don't deserve to be' poor, my son." Ho: "They say that people who marry soon grow to look alike." She: "Then you must consider my refusal as final." â¢â¢ Teacher: "Willie, what fs the first thing to do if a boy should be sunstruck? Willie:" Let him stay home from school." "There's one good thing' about a motor-car." "What's that?" "It doesn't try to run up to every water-trough it coraes to." Choilv: "I wish that I rould find something to absorb my mind." Molly: flave you thought of trying blotting-paper?" lie: "There's one thing I will say you make quite as well as your mother used to make." She: "What's that. Fred? ile: "Trouble." In what sort of meter is Scribbler's poem-. written?" "Gas meter!" "What on earth So many unnecessary feet, you know." Mother: "-Now, Willie, when I have to punish you it hurts me worse than it does you." Willie- (resentfully): "Why ain't you a-hollerin' then?" Miss Slimpurse: "Wasn't Mr. Harduppe ter- ribly embarrassed when he proposed to you?" Miss Gotrox: "Financially, perhaps; not other- wise." Grandma: "Ah, my dear, the men now are not what they were fifty years ago." Ethel: NVell, granny, you know fifty years will change- any man." The Doctor: "Your husband may recover, madam. There is no occasion to fear the worst." Sobbing Wife: "Yes, there is. I look perfectly horrid in black." Edith: "Papa is immensely pleased to hear you are a poet." Ferdy: "Is he?" Edith: "Oh, very! The last of my lovers he tried to kick was a football player." Jeweller: "This ring is five shillings more than the plain on account of the chasing." Farmer: But you won't have to chase me. I'm goin' to- pay for what I get." "Do you think that music is of any practical benefit in life?" "Well, judging from the photo- graphs of eminent violinists, it must keep the- hair from falling out! Betsy's still encouraging Mr. Howard, al- though her mother told her she must keep him at a distance." Well. she's keeping him at a dis- tance-from the other girls." Mr. Mcane: The paper says skirts are to be- worn longer than ever." Mrs. Meane: "Well, you needn't reckofl cn me wearing mine any longer. I've worn it five years." I don't believe bachelors have any hearts," she said. Why. we're just the men who do have them," he replied. "Why is that?" she- asked. Because we haven't lost them." Father of Large Family: "My dear, isn't it about time you were thinking of getting married?" Eldest Daughter: "Goodness! I haven't thought of anything else for years." Butcher: "I need a boy about your size, antJ will giro you good wages." Applicant: "Will I have a chance to rise?" Butcher: "Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning." I make it an invariable rule," said Mr. Stormington Barnes, not to talk about myself." "Indeed?" "Yes. When I was asked recently who the greatest Hamlet is I refused to answer." And what makes you think I'm a slow reader?" asked Merritt. "Because," replied Miss Snyder, I lent you a book more than a. year ago, and you don't seem to have finished it yet." Dr. Ford: "May I ask why this refusal?"" Miss Millions: "Certainly, doctor. You know my sister married a lawyer, so if I expect to get any of papa's money I must marry a lawyer- also." He: I'd consider it a great pleasure to tallc. to a woman like Miss Gassawav." She: "What! Why, she'd talk you to death." He: "I said I'd consider it a pleasure to talk to her, not to listen to her." It's bad manners to interrupt a storyâdon't you think so?" said Borum. "Urn! I dunno," said Quickly, remembering Borum's stories. Depends upon the story. Sometimes it's an. act of charity! Fuddle: "You know Stocks, don't you?" Doctor: "Yes, indeed. He: now a )atient of mine." Fuddle: "Pretty wil-eawake nan, isn't he?" Doctor: "I should say so. I'D treating him for insomnia." She: "Well, supposing she did throw you over- before you lost your money-there ale as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it." He: "I know; but that's poor consolation f<r a fellow who has lost his bait." "My daughter," remarked Mrs. Nexdoor, has developed a perfect passion or music." "Yes," returned Mrs. Peppery. "I'll warrant it isn't as strong as the passion yoor daughter- arouses in my husband." First Actor: "I thought your next tour was to have been through South Africa." Second Actor: "It was, but the compaiy struck. One of them had read that an ostich egg often weighs two or three pounds." Tramp (in the country): "Ye. I once rode a. bike, but I had to give it up." Biker: "Why?" Tramp: "Well, yer see, the otner was coming down the road behind me, an- the policeman- had a rope stretched across in font." Mrs. Youngbride: I've cone to complain of that flour you sent me." Gocer: "What waa ttre with it?" Mrs. jToungbride: "It was tough. I made a pie with it, and it was a& much as my husband could do to cut it." Did you hear Miss Fimaer ay that she had a speaking acquaintance with 1iat millionaire ?" asked Maud, scornfully. Y< replied Maud, with equal soorn. It's the first time I knew that she ever worked in a telphone exchange." Passenger (indignantly): "1y don't you run more trams on this line?" Gnductor (sarcastic- ally) "Why, to tell the tjth, I only have JB500,000 invested in the corpany, so I don't have much to say about it." Hattie: "He paid me a prety compliment. He said my movements were bir(ike." Bertha: "I saw him the day before gaziif at Mrs. Quelper's ducks. You don't suppose i was they that put the idea into his head?" Mabel (studying her lessor: "Papa, what is. the definition of volubility?* Mabel's Father: My child, volubility is a extinguishing feature of your mother when, on acdunt of urgent busi- ness affairs, I don't happen ;o reach home until after two in the morning." A, farmer's man took the illage doctor a note the other day, which, with some difficulty, spelt out: "Please send me I bottle of fizzic." "Hallo!" exclaimed the doctor. F-i-z-z-i-o jdoesn't spell physic!" Dott it?" answered the rustic. "What does it spell,then?" The doctor- gave it up. A small boy went to a iilkshop to purchase- some milk, and the propntress, handing back the coin offered her, remaked: "Johnny, take that 'alf suvrin back to J>ur mother, and tell her from me that I don't he its ring." Johnny, with an impertinent grin, replied: "Didn't ex- pect it to be a church-bell,did you? "I only know that I lo^ you!" breathes the ardent swain, reaching forthe lily-white hand of the beauteous damsel, "'hat's nothing to brag of," replies the beauteou damsel, putting her lily-white hand out of his each. Everybody in town knows that. The rtlly bright man is one who knows something tha few others know." The reading-lesson waS ibout a shipwreck. A message announcing the inking condition of the ship had been enclosed,n a bottle and flung overboard. "Now," salt the teacher, wishing to test the intelligence < his class, "wht was the letter put in a bot%?" A hand went up. "Well, Tommy?" "Bemuse there was no post- office! Reverses of fortune had compelled Miss Hvums to accept a posion in a draper's shop. "How do you like it" asked her intimate friend at the close f the first day. It's horribly humiliating." lid Miss Hyums. "One has to encage in family conversation a hundred times a day with porshs who have never been introduced to you! The half-back seize' the ball and made a superb rush down thf field. The crowd went wild, but when the clers of applause had sub- sided it was apparent iat. the ball had not been in play." Oh dea! What does he have to bring the ball back or?" asked one lady of another. "I'm surel don't know," was the reply, unless he's gfc an encore." Duzen had just retj-ned from a business trip to a little town in th^ifdlands. and he was tell- ing about the hotel tpre, which he described as. the very worst he eve'know. To ca.p his troubles. there, he awoke in te night and found the gas escaping. "But, the'" said he, "you couldn't blame the gas. I lliild have escaped myself vr there had been anottr hotel in the place." "Yes, I'm in the ecture business," said the long-haired passenger and I'm making money. I've get a scheme, I have, and it works like a charm. Big house wherever I go." A schemer" "Yes. always advertise that my lectures are especial for women under thirty yean of age and Ibn out of debt. You just ought to see the w, the people come trooping in." A marvellous nger," commented an old lady as Mademoise; Hicansing slowly droned out a love song atthe opera. Her voice ia magnificent," assetty her companion. "It is so sweet" and low "Low?" suddenly inter- rupted a rude-m9nrred person who had heard the passing comets, "Did you say lowf I'll give you to Sderstand that she is the highest-pricad attrascn on the programme."

[No title]

oriAJiiA.1 WjiiSTiJiRiN JtiAlLW*…

SHORT STOiU,

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

[No title]