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Opening of Workmen'e Hall,…

All Sensible Workers Buy "rl…

The Property Market.




WISE AND OTHK-mvTPE. People who preach philosophy gr<vcm:ly have an independent income. Mind is superior to matter until prmethiDg gets the matter with the mind. Even the woman who is looking for bargains doesn't want a cheap man. Often you can sell a worthless thing easier than you can give it away. The yesterday that is past is of as little value as the to-morrow that never comes. It's strange what a lot of enjovment some people get just by spoiling other people's enjoyment. "Do you like picnics, Mr. Wallace?" "No; but I have the choice between coming and minding the baby "That Mr. Gailey must be verv poor." "Why ? "I asked him how he made his money, and he said he earned it." It is not known who discovered the art of making fire, but it is certain that woman was the first match-maker. "How is a really successful man to be distin- guished?" "By his initials. He wears them after his name instead of before." Miss Joyce: "Yes, Jack and I are to become partners for life." Miss Means: "And you will be the senior partner. lionv nice 11 Auntie: "Do you see the hair in this old brooch, Cyril ? It was your great-grandfather's." Cyril: "I say, auntie, he didn't have much W. "Well, how are things in Boston? Have they named any new pie Aristotle' yet ? B: "No but I heard a man there ask for a Plato soup." Of course it was an Irish philosopher who said: "If you would keep your head above water you must not let the grass grow under your feet." Clara: "Did you lose your presence of mind when he attempted to kiss you ? Maud "Yes, for a moment. Why, I nearly told him to stop." Her Father: "Young man, j-ou've been calling here quite frequently of late. Now what is your object?" Young Man: "To become your daughter's subject." "I've noticed one thing about widows' weeds," said his reverence. "What's that?" "They rarely interfere with the growth of orange blossoms on the same soil." Benham: "Our boy was a very pretty baby, but he gets plainer every day." .Mrs. Benham: you didn't expect him to get to look like ou all at once, did you ? Willie: "Pa, can't I have some Pa: "See here! You've got a plateful of food before you." Willie: "Yes, sir; but Pa: "Well, keep your mouth shut and eat it." Slowpay: "Doctor, I suppose you can recom- mend your tailor to me?" Doctor: "Certainly, but you will have to get someone else to recom- mend you to my tailor." Mrs. Nuritch: "I think I'll take this watch. You're sure it's made of refined gold?" Jeweller: "Certainly." Mrs. Ntiritch "Because I do detest anything that ain't refined." She: "Women may gossip sometimes, but they have better control of their tongues than men have." He: "You are right. Men have no control whatever of women's tongues." Teacher: "So I've caught you eating sweets, have I?" Sammy: "No, mum; I wasn't eating them. I was just keeping them in my mouth instead of my pockt tâthey're so sticky*! "I don't believe bachelors have any hearts," she said. "Why, we're just the men who do have them," he replied. "Why is that?" she asked. "Because we haven't lost them." Miss de Brown: "I can trace my ancestors back to the Reformation." Miss de Smith: "That's nothing; I can trace mine back years and years before they attempted to reform." The Golfer: "You must acknowledge that it requires a great deal of skill to drive a ball 100 yards-" Farmer: "Don't require half so much skill as it does to drive a pig 50 feet." Squire (who has invited tenant to lunch): "Will you have a little fowl, Mr. Stubbins?" Stubbins: "I am not over-hungry, sir, but if the fowl be a very small 'un, I dare say I can manage 'un." The Host: "Why, certainly, I'd introduce you to her like a shot, but I can't remember her name." The Guest "Her name is Miss Scythe." The Host: "Come along, then. Er- cr-by the way, what's yours ? Newlywed Why, I never thought of saving until I got married." Bachelor: "And do you now? Newlywed: "Oh, yes, indeed! I'm continually thinking how much I might save if I wasn't married." "Just one little kiss," he pleaded. "But only a little one," she said, relenting. "Of course, he replied. "How could I look for a big one from so small a mouth ?" And after that he oot as manv as he wanted. "That woman who passed must be very methodical," remarked Binks. "I heard her say, 'There's a place for everything. "Oh," replied Fox, "she was probably talking about hash. That's Mrs. Mixer, who keeps our board- ing-house "And aren't you married yet?" "No." "Well, well. I thought you were engaged to a certain young lady in Scarborough?" "No. I was engaged to an uncertain young lady in Scarborough, and that's why I'm not married." Cassidy: "I suppose ye heard the news about l'"annery." Casey: Phwat news ? Cassidy: "He was drowned this marnin' Casey: "I don't believe it. Shure, I was talkin' to him yistherd'y an' he niver sed a word about it." Mr. Spriggins (gently) "My dear, a man was shot at by a burglar, and his life was saved by a button which the bullet struck." Mrs. Spriggins: "Well, what of it?" Mr. Spriggins (meekly): "Nothing; only the button must have been on." Teacher: "Have you looked up the meaning of the word 'imbibes,' Fanny ? Fanny "Yes, ma'am." Teacher 11 11-el 1, what does it mean? Fanny: "To take in." Teacher: "Yes; now give a sentence using the word." Fanny: "My aunt imbibes boarders." The Joke Editor: "Why on earth do you bring such awful rubbish here ? There isn't a joke here that would bring a smile to the face of a laughing jackass!" The Contributor: "I beg your pardon, they've made dozens of people roar. They're remarks made by Mr. Justice Bigwig, the famous judge!" Mary had a motor-car, Propelled by gasoline, And everywhere that Mary went She rode in the machine. The motor struck a stone one day, And from its course deflected- Doctor says that Mary is As well as he expected. Tess: "Mr. Brisk is nice-looking, I admit, but he never seems to be able to say the right thing in the light place." Jess: "Oh, I don't know. He said the right thing last evening, although you may not think it was in the right place. Tess "Where was that ? Jess (displaying her ridg) "In our drawing-room." Dr. Chargem: "Your friend needs vigorous treatment; I never saw a man in such a state of mental depression. Can't you convince him that the future holds some brightness for him ? Sympathetic Friend: "That is unfortunately impossible. He has drawn his salary for three weeks ahead, and spent the money." "Doctor," said he, "I'm a victim of insomnia. I can't sleep if there's the least noise-such as a cat on the back garden wall, for instance." "This powder will be effective," replied the physician, after compounding a prescription. "VVhen do I take it, doctor?" "You don't take it. Give it to the cat in a little milk." The man who reads other people's literature and forgets to return it, happened to find his friend busy with paste and scissors. "Ha, ha said the caller, "Going to keep a scrap-book, are vou r" "Yes," was tlie unsmIllDg reply. 1 think I'll manage to keep it. Nobody evei wants to borrow scrap-books, you know." Harry's mother had found it necessary to punish him by whipping him thoroughly. His shrieks brought the ready tears to his mother's eyes, and she informed him that it hurt her just as much as it did him. "Well," he managed to say, "what's the use of making both of us feel bad then ? "Leonidas!" exclaimed Mr. Meekton's wife, on his return from a journey. "I am at a loss to understand your conduct when we parted. I said good-bye to you." "Yes, Henrietta." "Why didn't you say 'good-bye in response ? I was just about to do so, Henrietta, but I checked myself. I was afraid you would accuse me of trying to have the last word again."