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FUN AND FANCY.

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FUN AND FANCY. No true lady will bounce out of the room and slam the door after her when asked to forego her new silk M ess for a few days and let her husband settle an old cigir bill. <JRSTOMEE "See here, waiter, how many times are you going past here till you bring me the breakfast that I've ordered ?" Waiter You'll have to count it yourself, sir; I'm too busy!" I'LL know better next time," said Mrs. Ferguson, speaking of it afterwards. I told George's uncle to consider himself at home in our house." "Well?" Well, it wasn't five minutes afterwards that he began to grumble about the cooking." THE idea!" exclaimed the sensational actress, as she beat an angry tattoo on the floorwith her slipper. XViiat's the trouble ? Can't you get your divorce?" iis-ked a friend. Yes butthe lawyer has offered to secure it without publicity THE woman who tells you a secret knows in her hfnrt that you can't keep it any better than she could. IT was a case of love at first sight, was it not?" Yes at his first sight of her bank account." "YOU'VE been a fool all your life," exclaimed the excited husband. Yon seem to forget, dear, that I refused you three times before we were married," said the wife quietly. DAUGHTER "0 papa. I've got the most lovely yachting costume you ever saw." Papa (busily): "I'm glad you like it." Daughter: "it's just too lovely for anything. Now all we need is a yacht." MISTKESS "I saw two policemen sitting in the kitchen with you last night, Bridget." Bridget: '⢠Well. ma'am, yez wouldn't have an unmarried lady be sittin' with only one policeman, would yez? The other wan wuz a chaberon." MR. HARDHK.M) I have called, sir, to ask for the hand of your daughter." Old Gentleman (with emotion): "She is the only child I have, and her mother is gone." Mr. Hardhead (hastily): "Oh, that's no objection, I assure you." er TOMMY SNIGGLES: "Pa, what is a professional philanthropist? The paper calls Mr. Waxem one." Mr. Sniggles: A professional philanthropist, Tommy, is a man who persuades other people to give their money to the poor and gets 50 per cent. salary for doing it." SHE I don't understand how you men can go out every night." He Oh, that's easy. But I'll admit it puzzles me sometimes how I am going toget in." MAMMA (to Tommy): "I'm sorry you and your sister quarrelled over that orange, and that James bad to interfere. Whose part did he take ?" Tommy: "Whose part? He took the whole orange." Mus. BROWN: "That paper is a fraud." Mr. Brown: In what respect?" Mrs. Brown: "Why, here is a column about Proposals,' and it is all about building contracts and such tiresome things." LADY I wish to get a birthday present for my hmwmci." Shopman How long married ?" Lady: Ten years." Shopman All the bargains are on the right, madam." MARIE I aon't know whether I'd rather be hand- some or rich."Maude: Of course you don'c, having tried neither." THE man who woos and runs away Will never woo another day But he who kisses one girl may Be sure to kiss some more some day." PARTNER Are you aware the cashier has taken a half- interest in a yacht ?" The Confidential Adviser: ù. Perhaps we had better see he does not become a full-Ill-dged skipper." THE girl has just expressed her intention of resign- ing to be married. Well," said her employer, bitterly, if the young man needs a typewriter worse than I do, I suppose it is all right." He doesn't," she replied, promptly but he needs a housekeeper worse than you do a typewriter." MONSIEUR I>E FRANCE: "You wind up ze clock to make him go?" English Tutor: "Exactly." Mon- sieur de France: Zen what for you wind up ze business to make him stop?" On sighed the poetic lady, "had I the wings of a bird!" "Don't!" protested her husband. Don't wish for the wings of a bird. If you had them some other woman would probably be wearing them on her hat before the season is over." SHE: This is an awfully long play. Th" 118"D does not marry the heroine until the close of the fifth act. Five acts are too many." He: "But you forget that this is a modern love story, and the scene is laid in the present day. An author must make his play natural and true to life. Formerly love plays were quite short: but nowadays the men are so shy, from being hunted so much, that it takes the most attractive woman a long time to run a man down and capture him." TomlY: I'se got the toofache awfully." Visitor: You should have the tooth filled, Tommy." Tommy: I did have it filled. That's what makes it ache so." Visitor: I never heard of such a thing. Did you have it filled with gold?" Tommy: "No'm! Had it filled with sweets!" CLARA, you must dress better." Well, Harold, you told me to economise Yes, but I was mis- taken since you have been going shabby five men have refused to lend me money." MIRANDA (visiting city friends): My, here's her visitin' card." Miranda's Husband What does it say?" Miranda It says she's at home Thursdays. Wonder where she stops the rest of the time ?" MRS. PEPPER: You don't act much like it now, but when you proposed to me, you told me that you fell in love with meat first sight." Mr. Pepper And it was the truth. I certainly didn't have the gift of second sight, or I never would have done it." "No," said Mr. Cumrox, I don't think I shall ever try to run one of them orter-that is to say one of those there horseless carriages." It's not at all difficult," said his daughter. "Maybe it's not for some people. But I'd get my mind so tangled up tryin' to pronounce the thing's name that I'd be sure to let it run away with me." A CHANCE to snooze is what some lazy people con- sider a rousing good time. TOOTHSOME "But why did you want to draw me, Miss Dorothy ? Really, you flatter me!" Dorothy Our instructor told us to begin on something Bimple." I SEE villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner. May it please your honour," said the latter, that is a personal reflection." MOTHER (to Bobbie, in disgrace, returning from in- terview with father): My poor boy! Did itâhurt very much ?" Bobbie: Please, mummy, if you don't mind, we won't talk about it!" HE: If I stole 50 kisses from you, what kind of larceny would it be?" She: "I should call it grand." 1 TOM Isn't she a perfect angel ?" Dick: Well, yes and when she sat in front of me at the theatre one night I felt as if I'd like to clip her wings." A HArrr marriage," exclaimed the widow," is like a beautiful dream." "Why? Because people go into it with their eyes shut ?" asked the bachelor girl. ADALIH* When I marry I shall select a man who resembles an arc light." May Gracious! in what way?" Adaline: Not go out at night and never smoke." TOWSK The Greengages have lots of airs since they have had all that money left them." Elsie: Airs ? I should say so. Why, old Greengage has j purchased a piano-organ for his own amusement. t HUBBY Isabel, your new hat is absurd; it looks j just like a huge flower-bed." Wife: Well, you needn't get so excited, Edgar; you don t have to get up before daylight and pull weeds out of it. "WHERE," asked the female suffrage orator, would man be to-day were it not for woman ?" She paused a moment and looked around the hall. I repeat," she said, "where would man be to-day were it not for wo-an ?" "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries," answered a voice from the gallery. UNTO the maiden of my heart By mail I did propose Then waited for what might turn up- Alas! it was her nose. TnE other day a little stenographer in a down-town office begged some workaen who were putting up a new telephone not to place it so high on the w they were doing. You see," she said, I have to use it as much as any one, and I am so short that I can hardly reach it." Oh, well, miss," said the humourist in chaigs of the work, "yea cad IIIÃII yoar votes, can't yoa V

-AMERICAN HUMOUfL