Hide Articles List

8 articles on this Page

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

News
Cite
Share

AMERICAN HUMOUR. Josi. BILLINGS writes: It iz no disgraze to be mistaken, not so long az we hre wdbn to own it. It iz about az hard to alter a habit az it iz to change the size of your noze. W Oman's last argument iz tears. and they are allwavs her strongest one; when theze fail, then corns desperashun. Experience has been praized more, and listened to less, than enny other thing that I kan think ov now. Thare iz sum wisdum in guessing, after all, for it i the nearest that yu kan cum to menny things in this life. If yu don't respekt yurese t, how kan you expekt others to do it for you ? Good and evil are allways paid off, sometimes immediately, and sumtimes not until after they have rur at interest a spell. Just in proporshun that a man kan be councilled regarding hiz blunders, juss so thare iz hope for him. Hope for the futer, and regrets for the past, forms a larje share ov the world's philosophy. Just about the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz experience, Death taps him on the shoulder and requests a short interview with him on important bizziness. Good advice iz like the best medicine we hav, the most bitter to take. Habits are often az ridikilous az they are strong yu often see folks who kan't pick up a pair ov tonp without spitting on their hands fust. Very grate men are seldom fully appreshiated bi the age they liv in. It iz very hard to lose eight ov a poor relashun, but we often hav to hunt up our rich ones. MRS. DAvsoo: Oh, the awfulest thing has hap- pened ? Clara de Style, who never could deign to look at any one in trade, has just discovered that tho man she has married is a dry-goods clerk." Mrs, j D'Fashion: Horrors I should think she might ( have found him out by his talk." Mrs. D'Avnoot That's just how the poor girl was deceived. He never seemed to know anything about anything, and she supposed of course he was a millionaire's son." CULTIVATED STRASGER You advertise for a man who can speak twenty-six languages ?" Mr. Gotham: Yes, sir. The position is still open." May I ask concerning the matter of its duties ?" Certainly. I own considerable property in New York, and I want a man to collect the rents." t LITTLE Miss D'ÃYNOO; Mamma will be down soon, an' she said I might come in an' 'muse you if I'd promise not to ask any 'pertinent questions. What do you wear nose-glasses for?" Society Leader: I am near-sighted, my dear." Little Miss D'Avnoo: I know, but mamma is near-sighted, too, and she carries a lorgnette because it shows off has pretty hands. Mamma has awful pretty hands. Some folks hasn't. Is your house as nice as ours ?* Society Leader: "Our house is an older style, muab older. My father built it." Little Miss D'A "Our second maid's father used to build bouses, too. He fell off a scaffold an' got killed. Wasn't it awfult That happened in Europe. We didn't go to Europe last year. Mamma said it had got so common she'd stay here, 'cause she didn't want to get mixed up with the nobodies. We went to Saratoga and Newport and such places. Did you ?" Society Leader No-o. We went to Europe. That is a lovely picture above your head." Little Miss D'Avnoo: Yes. We haven't many pictures, but everyone is pretty. Papa says some folks buy pictures just on speclation, an' get a whole lot, eve so many, an' then,, when the artists is all dead, they make money out of the graveyard mold, 'cause the pictures go up. He says some houses look like junk* shops, an' the families sit around hoping the artisti will die. How many pictures have you ?" Society Leader: A great many." Little Miss D'Avnoo: We haven't but a few, 'cause ours is only to look at. Is that your carriage out there?" Society Leader: "Yes, it is waiting." Little Miss D'Avnoo: "I didn't know but it was one of ours. We have so many I can't keep track of 'em. Papa is awfully fond of horses, and has different horses for every carriage. He says people who keep only one pair do it out of economy-to save livery bills and street. car fare, you know. Have you many horøeø r Society Leader: "Just now we have but two; that is all we need." Little Miss D'Avnoo "Mamma it taking a good while, but she couldn't help it. She was having a new reception dress fitted, 'cause she tore her last new oce the first time she wore it. Sbtt went to a reception at someone's named Perkins- some butler's, I guess-an' she caught her dress in ft splinter of an old chair. She said the chair haa been mended, sad she was awful mad. She said folks what had broken chairs around wasn't respect- able, 'cause it showed they spent so much for the chairs in the first place they couldn't afford to buy new ones; and papa said there was a good deal of style in this city that wouldn't count for much if it wasn't for the patching. There goes Perkins. Per- kins is our butler. Perkins isn't his real name, but we call all our butlers Perkins. Do you ?" Society Leader: No." Little Miss D'Avnoo: Why not r* Society Leader: Because our name is Perkins, Tell your mother I couldn't wait." REPORTER Was that accident unavoidable ?* Railroad President: Certainly, sir. certainly. No one to blame. You see the watchman had wo cross- ings to look after half a mile apart. You cant expect a man to be in two places at once, can you ?" Jonx has wrote a sketch," said the old man, "an he's had it printed in the papers." Gomg to be a literary man, is he ?" Yes; but I reckon he's one already, for he's just drawed on me for fifty dollars." NELL: "Nothing in this conntry seems good enough for Maine. She goes to Eunp? for gloves, gowns, hats, and everything she w, ars." Belle: Yes; she even goes abroad for her health," "I DoieT Bee," said the old min why chopping wood isn't just about as good exercise and just as enjoyable as playing golf." It is the walking between strokes that makes golf so valuable as exercise," ex- plained the boy. That equalises matters and gives the legs the exercise that they need." Thus it hap- pened that the old man went out into the yard and placed sticks of wood at intervals all around it, after which he handed the boy an axe and told him to play the full course." A HEAVT man with a square jaw walked into a "bicycle exchange on Fourteenth-street the other after- j noon. The proprietor advanced to wait on him, t '4Gimme a bike,' said the square-jawed man. "To I buy ?" Yep." What make?" Any old make." I Here's our speclaltty-good machine." "All right, is it P" Good as any made." How much." Fifty." Dab a little graphite on the chain and 1 pump her up." The proprietor dabbed a little graphite on the chain and pumped her up. The square-jawed man pulled out a wad of the size of his wrist, skinned off a 50, and handed it to the proprietor. Then he ran the machine .out to the curb, got on it and rode off. When the proprietor got over being ⢠stunned he went. to three or four friends on the block to get their opinion as to whether the 50 was counterfeit or the real thing. The bill was genuine, and the proprietor has been dazed ever since. I can't understand such swift action as that in the bike business," he says. uYa, sir," resumed the Dakota man, as the crowd of agriculturists seated themselves around a little table; yes, sir, we do things on rather a sizable scale. I've seen a man on one of our big farms start out in the spring and plough a straight furrow until autumn. Then he turned around and harvested back. We have some big farms up there, gentlemen. A friend of mine owned one which he had to give a mortgage on, and I pledge you my werd the mortgage was due one end before they could get it recorded at the other. You see, it was laid off in counties. And the worst of it is, it breaks up families so. Two years ago I saw a whole family prostrated with griefâwomenyeUinqdeidren howl- ing, and dogs barking. One of t>7 h*d his camp truck packed on seven four-mnle and he was going around bidding everybody <.â¢â¢Where was he going ?" He was going across the farm to feed -the pigs," replied ⢠;v Dakota man. "Did he ever get back to his fv. y ?" "It isn't time for him yet. Up there we r-?nd young married couples out to milk the cows and tbeir children bring hems the milk."

...-LITERARY EXTRACTS. ,v,,11

THE WOMAN'S WORLD.

.AN ACTRESS WHO NEVER WEARS…

ART AND LITERATURE.

HOME HINTS.

Advertising

F U iN AxND FANCY.