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- "WIT A1\1> HUMOUR. r k

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"WIT A1\1> HUMOUR. r k "How long does it take you to do up a whita ruffled skirt Laundress: Generallv about two washings, ma'am." "How does Mrs. Gargoyle come to know so 9 much of the Gummey family affairs?" I. Gar- goyle bought Gummey's parrot." IVe give baby all sorts of things toplnv with but she won't stick to any of them." '• Did you ever try the gum-brush ? Was your ship crippled by the ¡:;torm?' asked the reporter. She was not," replied the captain, though she lost one of her hands. "To adapt oneself to circumstances," said the sage, uis the secret of happiness. Therefore the wise man learns to love his wife's dog." ils<(!n "I hear that Jimson has married a rich wife and stepped into a snug little nest oi lus own. Cynicus Yes; a hornet's nest." In mid-ocean we met a magnificent private yacht flung signals 0t distress." "Leaking?" "Oh, no, their cook wanted to leave." AA Vicar s W ife: Tommy Crowtlier, you haven't washed your face to-day.Tommy Crowther: 'Tain't Sunday! Mertie: "I am going to niarrv a man who draws beautiful pictures." Ccrtie: u That is all very well but does he draw any salarv r" )Iagistrate ¡; You say t he defendant turned and whistled to the dog. What followed ?" In- telligent Witness The dog! I wonder what induced Miss Jubb to go on the stage?" ¡; It was her parents' fault j n the first place. You see. they named her Philo- mela." '•When I came to this town eighteen years ago," said the leading citizen, "1 had only two shillings in my pocket." However," the cynic kindly added, there were other pockets." Mrs. Jnsta-ivd (in Paris) (jarcong. gareong, doti-don-don-dun-doiinez-iiioi- Oh, „ why don't you waiters understand English ? Waitee r, (politely) Why doesn't madame speak ite ''Who was that fellow that wanted to trade his kingdom for a horse ? "That's a wheel I never heard of." What is The King- dom." Jones: "Why do you call Mr. Wyzham the undertaker a wolf in sheep's clothing ? Smith He doesn't ever drive" the boys out of his recn-a.pple orchard." Wife: "How did vou dare to scold me be4 fore Mrs. Brown rHusband: "Illell, my love, you know I daren't scold you when Ave are by ourselves." "A woman," says a philosopher," is angry with a man if he is awkward in making love, but gets much more annoyed if he makes love as if he had lots of experience." Doctor: '-Now, you want to sleep always with your head to the north" Patient And do it make any difference which way I put mv feet ? f J Kent: Do you ever play tennis with your big brother ? Nelly Sometimes but I don't like to, because when a ball gets lost he sits down and smokes while I look for it." Penman Did you say that publisher's tra veller who called on you to-day was selling some of my books ? Denman;" No, I didn't say that. I said he was trying to sell them." She Oh, you needn't talk, John. You were bound to have me. You can't say I ever ran after you." He: f "Very true. madam, the mousetrap never runs after the mouse, but it grabs him all the same." "Why don't you erN- enough P 7-n said a by- stander to a little Frenchman who was being badly pounded and who kept crying Hurrah '• I gi ve a t'ousand dollar." said the little French- man, to know zat word before." Mr. Highup: "You said that thing would not cost over Mrs. Highup: "I paid exactly £10. for it > but then I paid the dress- maker 1:5. more for her promise to tell every- body that it cost 2 She: "Mr. Daubster, the artist, told me I was pretty as a picture." He: "I hope he didn't niet)n one of his own pictures." "Why is Edith crying so bitterly?" SI-ic went to a tea-party this afternoon, and nobody noticed her engagement-ring." Landlady My lodgers are all so witty." Mr. Firstfloor 'I- Ali. there is nothing like hunger to sharpen the wits Oh!" gasped Mrs. Timid, as she saw a man stealing her plate; "it\; [l burglar! At youi service, mum," politely returned the burglar. "You say they are twins, and yet one is thE years older than her sister i Yes. Y ulI set one of them is married and one is not." Medic&l Professor: In a patient, what is the first thing to find out ? Student: Find out if he can pay." I would not minfi iny wife always wanting, the last word in a fuss," said Mr. N.' Peek to i.is friend, if she wasn't so extremely anxious for the first one too." Mr. Gaswel (in an art store): Seems to me that's an awful price to pay for a.n old picture like that." Mrs. Gaswel: The picture is rather old, to be sure, but the frame is new." Customer: Have you a book entitled Short Road to Wealth ? Bookseller. Certainly and I suppose you'll want a copy of the penal code, too ? Young Mother: "What in the world makes the baby cry so?" Young Father: "I suppose he heard me say I managed to get a little sleep last night." Blinkers Hallo, Winkers, I hear you mar- ried a woman with an independent fortune." Winkers (sadly): N-o I married a fortune with an independent woman." He I love you do you love me ? Sho ( faintly): "Y -yes." He; "An! Then you'll bo mine ?"' She (firully) No. You'll be mine." Our country, sir. roared the Yankee, knows no east, no west, no north, no south Indeed said Mr. Flippie of London. "What a confoundedly ignorant country!" Caller: Don't you want to grow up to be a man ? Small Boy: "'What's the use ? All the other boys will be growed up. too, and it'll just be as hard to lick 'em as 'tis now." "Professor Brainard is the brainiest man that ever lived." Indeed You bet. Why, he can say 'I love yOU" in thirty-nine different languages—and hasn't said it in any." Mr. Foster Tightfist I say! let me have that fiver I lent you last night, will you ? Mr. Spender For Heaven's sake, have a little patience. I haven't had time to snand a CHINESE BORROWING.—Chinese butlers hava 1 way, when their own supplies fall short, of borrowing from their neighbours. At least this wa". a very common custom twenty-five years ago, and goods changed hands over the gai den-wall with astonishing celerity, the butlers meanwhile keeping a strict account.' An American lady residing in China writes- ,c At the first large dinner-party to which I was invited—I went as a bride—I found my- self eating with my own brand-new knives, forks, and spoons. I stared at them very hard; there could be no mistake, for I could see the fresh monograms. I was dread!i;]ly distressed, but did not dare to say anything. U" When I reached home I told my husband rathec tremblingly, for I was quite sure they had been stolen. To my amazement he only laughed, and said, Oh, you will get used to that soon, and when vou have too many guests, you will find that, instead of asking you to get more supplies, the butler will just borrow your neighbours' and always make up the deficIency. And so it proved. I can well remember once, when my husband had asked eight guests in to dinner only half an hour before the usual tiine-one for each of the delicious first spring snipe he had shot — that there appeared later It splendid roast leg of mutton as one of our courses. Now, I knew we had no mutton, for earlier in the day the cook had been bewailing the non-arrival of the Shanghai steamer, by which it always came. Turning to the gentleman on my left, I asked, 'Did your steamer come from Shanghai to- clav ?' Yes. Why ? I looked down to the other end of the table, where my husband was carv- ing the unexpected treasure-trove with evident enjoyment. 'Well, ours did not,' said I, 'and yet He caught sight of ^he mutton. 'Oh,* he laughed,' I suppose that is mine! No doubt yours will come to-morrow, and probably be much better so I shall be the gainer this time and enjoy it all the more.

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ST. ASAPH BOARD OF GUARDIANS.…

----CHURCH TEA PARTY AND CONCERT…

RHYL CYCLE CLUB BALL.

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RHYL..-: -

Family Notices

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THE PROPER TIME FOR A BATH.

ST. ASAPH (FLINT) RURAL DISTRICT…

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THE ALLEGED FOOTBALL FRACAS…

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TBE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT.