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WISE AND OTHERWISE. -J

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WISE AND OTHERWISE. -J AN ADHESIVE PROFESSION. "You may mike sport of phrenology all you please," said a fat man from Ohio, as he leaned back in his chair and twiddled L, thumbs in a Chicago hotel, but I owe all my business succc to How happens that ? inquired a hearer. A travelling lecturer visited our little town when I was a young man. and examined people's heads at a dollar apiece. I i aid a dollar and had my head felt. I don't remerr-ber all he said about me, but I recollect he said my adhesiveness was very large. I took the hint, and it made my fortune." You took the hint? I don't understand." I became a glue manufacturer," said the fat man. IN THE WRONG SHOP. I A man about 25 years of age, wearing a pair of cow. hide boots and a suit of grey jeans, entered an under- taker's establishment in Chicago a few days since, and began to inspect the goods that usually adorn such places. He stood looking as if he wanted something he could not find. At length he was greeted by the proprietor with a Goed morning, sir." Good morning1," replied the man in jeans. "Something this morning?" replied the under- takei. "Yes," he replied, without deigning any further information. Was it a near relative ? I "Yes." Your mother ? ventured the man of grave busi- ness. as a means of drawing him out. I "No." "Your sister ? No-my wife." "Indeed. It's sadâsad. Was it sudden?" "No been expecting it three or four weeks." WELL, I CAN GET YOU UP SOMETHING NICE. WHICH WILL YOU HAVEâMAHOGANY OR ROSEWOOD ? J SAY, PARDNER, HOW WOULD ROSEWOOD DO? I IT WOULD LOOK NICE. I CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING cheaper if you prefer it," replied the undertaker, slowly. T 1!' ^L0 ROSEW"°°D WILL DO. I DON'T CARE FOR EXPENSE. J I HAVE SOLD MY HOGS, AND BESIDES, KERLING HAS ALWAYS 1 BEEN A GOOD GIRL." "Wel!> rosewood, you say. With solid silver handles ?" J(' Now, look here, ain't that piling it on too thick ? » they should always go with rosewood." â 1 r^ell, all right, then. I can stand it, I guess." Lined with satin, I suppose ? f "Yes." I And plate-glass ? "Yes, let's have plate-glass. This is the first one, and I want to do the thing up brown. And varnish her up nice, too, stranger, wili you ? "Yes." Make the wheels on the darn thing shine." ^heels, exclaimed the undertaker in surprise. Who ever heard of wheels on a coffin ?" "Coffin," said the man in jeans. Who in thunder said anything about a coffin? You. Don't you want a coffin ? "No; I don't want a coffin. A baby carriage is what I want. My wife has had a baby, and I want a waggon to ride the squallin' thing in. Ain't you the man that makes 'em ? "No; you will have to go down to the first corner, and turn to your right. Second door."âAmerican Paper. When is a fish like a bird ?âWhen it takes a fly. Query. When a candidate "stands," may it be said to be bribery? j ,asked Count Mahoney if he under- stood Italian. Yes, please your majesty," said the count, if it is spoken in Irish." A pretty Winconsin school-marm, to encourage I promptness, promised to kiss the first scholar at I school, and the big boys took to roosting on the fence all night. "I am transported at having you hanging on my I said a young fellow to his betrothed." Indeed, said the fair one, we must be a pretty couple when one is transported and the other hanging." You have been arrested for stealing from a baker's cart. What have you to say in your defence ? Hibernian Nothing, sor, except that the doctor told me I must eat stale bread for me dyspepsy,so I had to stale it." Bread is the staff of life, they say; i And be it also spoken, [ It won't support a man a day Unless it first be broken. You told me, Arthur, that your doctor advised whisky- Has it done you any good ?': [ Well, I should say so. I got a barrel of it two weeks ago, and I could hardly lift it; and now I can carry it about the room." A big hulking fellow is brought up before the magis- trate for drunkenness and disturbing the peace. Your business?" demands the magistrate. "My business ? "âthen, after consideration, My wife is a charwoman." The difference between the wjrds "iristake" and "blunder" is easily explained. If a man puts v down a poor umbrella and picks up a good one, it is a r mistake if lie puts down a g*ood umbrella aud picks 4 up a poor one, it in a blunder. f "Ivebeeuon the road ten years," said the con- | ductor on a Southern railway to a passenger who t complained of the slow time, an' I know what I'm tallnng about." Ten years, eh said the passenger. What station did you yet on at ? > If you plase, are you the gintleman that wanted calling to catch the five o'clock train Sleepy traveller All right; will be down directly." Boots Don't be afther hurr'in' verself. I thought I'd { just knock yer up to tell yer it's too late Judge: "Why do you wish this witness to be hea'd ? Defendant: Because you can place entire confidence in him." Judge: For what reason ? De- fendant: Pei-ause he hasn't had time to consult a lawyer," Jmge:" That is reason enough. Let him be sworn. Put out your tongue a little farther," said a physi, cian to a fair invalid. A little farther still, if your please." "Why, doctor, do you think a woman's tongue has no end ?" said the gentle sufferer. "An end, perhaps, madam," replied the doctor; "but no cessation. First Small Boy: "What does your papa do for a living ?" Second Small Bov My papa is a great man he's a building inspector." "I'd think that would be awful dangerous, go ng around unsafe build- ings." "Oh, no; he don't go near'em till after they I fall down." Tramp: "Please, mum, don't shut the door; I am utterly destitute." Lady of the house (kindly) "What do you want?" Tramp: "Anything you please to give mum. I'll leave it to your generosity." Lady (sweetly): "Come in and I will tell the stable boy to give you a bath." A coquette came out of a perfumer's leaded with purchases. "You have renewed your provision," said a rival. Don't speak of it; I have quite ruined myself I have bought a thousand things I do not need, among others six tooth-brushes." "Ah, one for each tuoth said the other sweetly. That's a boss car," said an old man from the rural districts to his venerible spouse, at the same time pointing to an empty street-car. The old lady mounted the steps of the car, looked in searchingly, and said: Well,who'd ha' thought people would ever fix up a car so nice as that to ride hosses in ? Mr. Dean (sympathetically) "Ah, my poor fellow, your case is very sad, no doubt! But remember that the rich have their troubles. I dare say, now, you can scarcely realise what it is not to know where to find an investment which will combine adequate security with a decent interest on one's money." Herr Donner (who usually delights himself more than the audience): "Veil, Mrs. Tompkyns, zince you are zo brezzing, I vill zing; but on only these con- [ dlshuns-that you also do give us one leetle zong aftervarts." Mrs. Tompkyns: "Oh, Herr Donner, I am sure that after a song from you there will be no one to listen to me Mr. Wright went out to fish; and he became a Wright angler. He thought he would try and catch a shark and became a try angler. He laughed to think how smart he was; and he became a cute angler. But be did not see the shark with its nose under the stern of his craft; he was such an obtuse angler. Until the creature tipped over his boat; when he became a wrecked angler. A lady purchased a nice new door mat the other morning with the word Walcome stamped thereon in glowing letters, and the first to ceme along and put his number elevens on it was a tax-gatherer. "And that is silver ore, is it?" said Mrs. Snaggs, as she examined a piece of curious-looking mineral. Yes, my dear," replied the husband. "And bow do you get the silver out?" "Thev smelt it." "Well, that's queer," she added, after applying her nose to the ore. "I smelt t too, but didn't get any silver." Tramp, to gentleman in St. James's Park: "Will you kindly allow me to glance at your paper for a moment, sir ? I am anxious to see the weather predic- tions. Genman, handing him the paper: Certainly. Are you interested in the weather?' Tramp; "Yes, sir. I live principally on wind, and I want to find out what I'm to have for dinner to day." IâI think I have stumbled into the wrong office," explained a stranger who opened the door of a Cincinnati lawyer's den. Well, that depends. If you are in business and desire to fail and pay ten centa on the dollar, this is the right office." "Oh, but I'm ) *ne of the creditors of just such a man, and I wanted-" Certainly come in. IU either get your claim in tull or have the scoundrel indicted for fraud." ⢠A native of Ceylon, who had imbibed some Western ideas, butwhohad only an imperfect knowledge of the chief idioms of the English tongue, was observed pacing his verandah with a thoughtful and careworn aspect. "I am sorry that you are so downcast," observed an European neighbour. Down-cast echoed the other with indignation. "I am a gentle- man; my wife is a gentleman; how do you dare call me of low caste I e CALBUBY BRos. direct attention to the Dutch Cocoas aud their Eugli,,h iiaitati,)us, sol 1 as pure C iooa, to which abcut 4 per cent, of Aikali and other ageuts are added, to give apparent strength to the Lquor, by making it a dark colour. Thie addition may be detected by the scent when a tin is freshly opened. No Cocoa can be stronger than Cadbury's, which is guaranteed ABSOLUTELY PURE.